Latest developments from the Archer WhatsApp group.
Bettis: Look, this is dragging on. Can we get this done today?
Villa; It’s simple. We want either £20 million for a straight sale or you can have him for £18 but we want a buy-back clause.
Bettis: (laughs). Nice try, you do know who I am?
Villa: That clueless bloke who wastes everyone’s time who claims Sheffield United haven’t got a pot to piss in?
Bettis: But we haven’t….
Villa: We’re not a charity. Either put up or shut up
Bettis: You must think I’m stupid. You’re trying to pull one over me with this buy-back clause. I’m not falling for it.
Villa: But why not? You get Archer on the cheap and we give you money for him in a couple of years.
Bettis: Oh yeah? Well how come we never got a penny from Liverpool for Brewster then?!!!
Villa: Brewster’s shit
Hecky: Brewster’s shit.
Bettis: hmm, ok. Brewster is shit.
Villa: Exactly, whereas Archer is shit hot.
Bettis: Explain this buy-back thing to me then.
Villa: You give us £18 million for Archer and we’ll let you have him for 2 years. He’s all yours. Then after 2 years we’ll take him off you and give you £10 million.
Bettis: £10 million, you’d really do that? That could fund Hecky’s Championship promotion push….
Villa: Yep, we would. You’re so shit and going to get fewer points than Derby that we feel sorry for you.
Bettis: £18 million and £10 million buy back. Ok, done. But wait… our fax machine is bust again. Are you ok if we send our formal offer by post?
Villa: Sure
Bettis: Second class post ok?
Villa: Fine, as long as it reaches us by 31 Aug
Hecky: Steve, what the fuck are you doing? They’re trying to have our pants down and you’re falling for it. We can’t agree to this.
Bettis: Ok, ok, the deal’s off. We’ll give you £15 million for Archer. Take it or leave it.
Villa: We’ll leave it thanks. Leeds and Luton are willing to pay more.
Bettis: As if. £15 million…. or we’ll move on.
Nixon: Want me to put a story out to say The Blades want Piroe?
Bettis: Good idea but can we afford Piroe, Alan?
Nixon: Aye, I’ll say that you’ve agreed a fee with Swansea but that you’ll probably fuck abooot and not get it done before the window closes.
Bettis: Harsh, but fair
Villa: Erm, wrong WhatsApp group?
Nixon: Fuck off ya fuds or I’ll block ye.
Bettis: Ok, we’re not serious about Piroe but we are close to an agreement with another striker. Ex Premier League and England international. He makes Archer looks like Connor Salmon.
Villa: So sign him then
Bettis: We will do, but we want to give you every chance to accept our bid for Archer
Hecky: Wait, who’s this other striker?
Bettis: It’s fine Hecky, it’s fine ;-)
Hecky: Who fucking is he? I need to know?
Rocketman: Why has no one told me and Rifleman?
Rifleman: I already know:
Bettis: 8 rifles ;-)
Rocketman: 4 rifles
Villa: Bullshit. 2 rifles
Hecky: WHO…. THE… FUCK…. is he?
Bettis: You’ll never guess (giggles). Seriously, you need to have more faith in me guys
Hecky: For fucks sake, just tell us
Bettis: Ok, ok. Andy Carroll
Hecky: Andy fucking Carroll???
Villa: Laughs