Sean the Blade
Member
In a shock bid to woo fans, and an opportunity to rub shoulders with the famous and the ‘beautiful people’, Sheffield United supremo Kevin McCabe has appointed Simon Cowell to sift the wheat from the chaff at Bramall Lane. He intends to prove that Sheffield’s got (football) talent.
In a heavily sanitised and well thought out press release, designed to appeal to those who cannot think for themselves, Cowell’s publicity machine was quoted as saying that Cowell may have commented, at some point, in private or public, that “I have been in touch with M.C. Cabe and I can really see where he’s coming from. It also gives me the opportunity to off-load that shallow Geordie cow whilst manufacturing another rift in order to generate more press interest and income. If you think this will make me richer, dial 09067 123 456, if you think it will make me much, much richer dial 09067 123 456. Calls won’t make any difference to the outcome, but will cost a fucking fortune”.
During an interview with Radio Tax Haven, Sheffield Cash Rapper M.C. Cabe was asked what he thought Cowell could bring to S2 “Hey, I’m doing this for the long term future of the club. If anyone can sell young talent its Simon. Now I know some of you will question my motives, but there’s no bigger Blade than me. Simon has a long history of taking young, anonymous talent, breaking it to the world stage and then watching it slip agonisingly back to anonymity after failing to reach its potential, all falling within strict financial guidelines. This fits perfectly with our business model.”
When asked about working closely with Cheryl Cole M.C. Cabe responded “Well Cheryl has a well documented history of working with both club and international footballers. Hey! She’s a Geordie pet, and she can spot a rich vein of gold worth digging. She will be our ‘talent compass’ and as soon as she latches on to any of our players we can tap into that potential. A WAG such as Cheryl can have an enormous effect on the saleability of that player. Transfer fees can, as much as, double with the right bit of totty in tow.”
Senior players at the club offered mixed feelings about the new team behind the team, midfielder Stephen Quinn said “Well, I have me contract with Lucky Stars cereal, so me image rights is already spoken fer. Although if Simon could get a contract fer me fiery locks with Just Fer Men or summat like dat I’d be fine with it!”
Club captain Chris Morgan was a little more reticent when asked what he thought of the appointment he simply replied “Fuck off”.
Welsh starlet Ched Evans was more optimistic of success “I’ve had trouble scoring this season, so hopefully, with the arrival of Cheryl, I should be in with a chance of improving my strike rate, I can’t wait to get in the box and make a difference. I know I’ll be up there competing with the other lads for a chance to play on the turf, but I think this could be the opportunity I’ve been looking for”
“We’re in the entertainment business” continued M.C. Cabe “and our fans deserve to be entertained. I have watched Simon Cowell for many years now and it is my belief that he can bring the entertainment to Bramall Lane that the fans are desperate for. In our, so far, short relationship with Mr Cowell’s team we have learned a great deal, if you like to find out how much we’ve learned just dial 09076 20 1889. Calls from a BT land line are astronomical; call from mobiles will bankrupt you”
In a heavily sanitised and well thought out press release, designed to appeal to those who cannot think for themselves, Cowell’s publicity machine was quoted as saying that Cowell may have commented, at some point, in private or public, that “I have been in touch with M.C. Cabe and I can really see where he’s coming from. It also gives me the opportunity to off-load that shallow Geordie cow whilst manufacturing another rift in order to generate more press interest and income. If you think this will make me richer, dial 09067 123 456, if you think it will make me much, much richer dial 09067 123 456. Calls won’t make any difference to the outcome, but will cost a fucking fortune”.
During an interview with Radio Tax Haven, Sheffield Cash Rapper M.C. Cabe was asked what he thought Cowell could bring to S2 “Hey, I’m doing this for the long term future of the club. If anyone can sell young talent its Simon. Now I know some of you will question my motives, but there’s no bigger Blade than me. Simon has a long history of taking young, anonymous talent, breaking it to the world stage and then watching it slip agonisingly back to anonymity after failing to reach its potential, all falling within strict financial guidelines. This fits perfectly with our business model.”
When asked about working closely with Cheryl Cole M.C. Cabe responded “Well Cheryl has a well documented history of working with both club and international footballers. Hey! She’s a Geordie pet, and she can spot a rich vein of gold worth digging. She will be our ‘talent compass’ and as soon as she latches on to any of our players we can tap into that potential. A WAG such as Cheryl can have an enormous effect on the saleability of that player. Transfer fees can, as much as, double with the right bit of totty in tow.”
Senior players at the club offered mixed feelings about the new team behind the team, midfielder Stephen Quinn said “Well, I have me contract with Lucky Stars cereal, so me image rights is already spoken fer. Although if Simon could get a contract fer me fiery locks with Just Fer Men or summat like dat I’d be fine with it!”
Club captain Chris Morgan was a little more reticent when asked what he thought of the appointment he simply replied “Fuck off”.
Welsh starlet Ched Evans was more optimistic of success “I’ve had trouble scoring this season, so hopefully, with the arrival of Cheryl, I should be in with a chance of improving my strike rate, I can’t wait to get in the box and make a difference. I know I’ll be up there competing with the other lads for a chance to play on the turf, but I think this could be the opportunity I’ve been looking for”
“We’re in the entertainment business” continued M.C. Cabe “and our fans deserve to be entertained. I have watched Simon Cowell for many years now and it is my belief that he can bring the entertainment to Bramall Lane that the fans are desperate for. In our, so far, short relationship with Mr Cowell’s team we have learned a great deal, if you like to find out how much we’ve learned just dial 09076 20 1889. Calls from a BT land line are astronomical; call from mobiles will bankrupt you”
