Great! We're fucked then. What a joke.
Whats so difficult? We approach a club (Donny), tell them we want SoD, Ryan say they want 1 mill, we say we'll pay 30 quid, Ryan says he'll take 60 quid per year for the next 20 years, we say no, we then turn to Port Vale, Offer 100 quid for Adams which they accept. We then announce John Carver as manager.
Relax Swiss owd cock. Didn't you see the Grolsch adverts? You can't rush these things.
Here is the process that we will be going through:
This morning (20/12). Birch secreatery calls John Ryan secretary.
"Hello, could I arrage a suitable time for Mr Birch" to speak to Mr Ryan"
"Fuck off". Ryan's secreatary hangs up. *
John Ryan decides to take Chritmas period off "to be with family".
Birch gets an appointment after new year and finally speaks to Ryan.
"Look John, you can't avoid me forever. Sean is interested and we need to talk compo"
"Fuck off. You can't have him"
"Let's be realistic about this. He is bigger than your club, he's made his mind up and we can come to an agreement that suits both parties" (see Tricky Trev using his commercial skills!?)
"Ok, ok Trevor, let's talk money" (Ryan is now thingk, wow, this is what the hype is about and why Abramovich was lured to Chelsea. I am in for a tough time here) "ok, we wan't £1.5m"
"Mr McCabe can't stretch that far, but he does have a very generous offer for you. We can offer a bag of pork scratchings, a night in the hotel, a trip to Malta and Sam Ellis."
"Look, I said 1 million, don't waste my time"
"ok, ok John. We'll offer you £200k".
End of conversation. **
A meeting is then scheduled for the following week to negotiate. No agreement is made, but progress is made. ***
Ryan and Birch eventually agree a deal after several weeks. Ryan is so dazzled by Birch's commercial skills that he fuinds himself walking out ot his car with Malta tickets, a membership for the gym at BDTBL, contracts for Monty, Quinn and Ertl and 20 packets of M&M's.
An agreement is made is early January, but this time Swiss has had a heart attack, Ollessendro has fucked the slapper from the estate and Micalijo and McCabe are spotted drinking together in Champs.
What's the rush though? We are crap, we'll lose more than we win with most managers. Let's take our time and find the right one. Luckily enough Scunthorpe, Palace and Preston are so rubbish that we are probably safe even with Carver in charge. Let's face, he couldn't do a much worse job than Speed if he tried.
* At this point we may turn round and appoint Adams.
**Adams is fed up and stays at Vale. If Carver is doing well then the Blades save some money and have a new boss.
*** Doncaster come to the Lane and wipe the floor with the Blades. SOD realises how bad United really are, shits himself and decideds to stay at Donny. He watches the way the fans abuse their own team and isn't impressed at the vile atmosphere. It brings back memories of the debacle in Doncaster a few months ago and he realises he is not actually god and will struggle to turn SUFC round. O'Driscoll decides not to make a disasterous career move and keeps his promising management career alive.
