crowd banter to cheer you up

[WYorksblade]

me and a fellow blade were having a chat about the funniest thing you've heard a fellow blade shout out at the game....

without doubt the funniest we both ever heard was;

the ref was having a shocker which resulted in a bloke 2 rows down standing up and shouting 'ref i'm gonna shag your wife up the arse....no lube'!!

 

[broomhillblade]

It's the way you tell 'em....

 

[Worksop II]

a bloke 2 rows down standing up and shouting 'ref i'm gonna shag your wife up the arse....no lube'!!

Was it Ched ?

 

[Bayingblade]

When the kop first opened as an all seater, we used to sit behind 4 guys all in yellow hats and one of them was a real wag. Many may remember him as he was the first to bring a bugle to the match (years before the "England band" btw). One of his favourites was to castigate the linesman when he (in his opinion) got a decision wrong. As he blurted out the relevant abuse from somwehere around row T, questioning said linesmans integrity, ability, eyesight etc, he would pause halfway through his rant and bellow " Nah then linesman, linesman, look at me when am talkin' to de!"

 

[Coily]

Was it Ched ?

Isn't he more a 'sloppy seconds' kind of guy?

 

[dublin 10 blade]

Was it Ched ?

Thought he liked to stir the porridge !!

 

[judge]

Most of the wittiest comments were made by me but I was too drunk to remember any of them

 

[jezzablade]

We were playing shit against Plymouth (in the old third before we went down to the fourth) some bloke stood in front of us on the kop shouted - "Just cos they're in Green doesn't mean they're incredible hulks " followed by the abuse and fag smoke that was allowed in those days. It was funnier then than it sounds to me now reading it back but United were utter shite in those days before Edwards and Morris came in and made us at least capable of getting out of the fourth. There was fantastic banter on the Kop in those days as well as the thuggish your gonna get your fuckin' eds kicked in every time we went down a goal. i.e. most weeks. The songs were there the berating the ref about his lack of hair, overweight appearance, dodgy parentline etc. One blades player was spoken to by the ref he made a gesture to the kop straight after expressing that he thought the ref spent a lot of time indulging in self gratification to which the kop instantly cheered and sang the "referees a wanker".. great days.

 

[Jehovah]

A certain poster on here who of course, shall remain nameless, was stood with me at old Trafford when Graham bastarding poll, body checked Tonge leading to Arsenals winner. "You are the son of a thousand bastards!" At level 10 volume. You really had to be there to feel the venom, but still makes me laugh today.

 

[Swanseablade]

At a particularly dire Bassett match in the 90's, we endured countless balls played out from the back four and landing in the South stand - all to a serious of moans/groans from the blades.
After Beesley had done this a few times one bloke in front of us could take no more!
He shouted at max volume (& its always when the crowd goes deathly quiet innit) "for fcks sake Bees put ur boots on't reight feet!"

Not knocking Bassett & Beesley et al BTW - very happy times for me (mainly!).
UTB

 

[Russ]

About 10 seasons ago, gangway B, row about AA, seat about 70 to 80 ish, sat a bold headed guy in his 50's. Every time the ball went out of play, he'd be jumping up out of his seat, shouting "OUR BALL" no matter which player / team it came off last.

Anyway, it did get to be rather annoying as I had the mis-fortune of having my season ticket next to him.

But one match, for some reason, he did not turn up. After about 10 minutes, ball goes out for a throw in. And silence. Someone turns round from a couple of rows down, has a look around and shouts "Where the f***s Ahhh ball today!!!" Made me smile anyway.

 

[SwissBlade]

At a particularly dire Bassett match in the 90's, we endured countless balls played out from the back four and landing in the South stand - all to a serious of moans/groans from the blades.
After Beesley had done this a few times one bloke in front of us could take no more!
He shouted at max volume (& its always when the crowd goes deathly quiet innit) "for fcks sake Bees put ur boots on't reight feet!"

Not knocking Bassett & Beesley et al BTW - very happy times for me (mainly!).
UTB

Similar things on John St West, whenever Beesley cleared to row Z, a big bald bloke used to shout spoooooooooooon boooots!

Since then Beesley has been forever known as spoon boots

 

[metalblade]

Always remember a guy on the kop during one really dire united performance shouting at 150 db's UNIIIIIIIIITED, we thought he was trying to get a chant going but his UNIIIIIITED was followed slowly and deliberately by.................
YOU...............MAKE.......................... ME ...........................................SICK!!!!!
half the kop nearly pissed themselves laughing.

 

[pommpey]

QPR about ten years ago. Back then there were about six or seven young uns we used to see at most away games who stuck together. This day we were sat at the front, just behind the right hand post and next to us were the gang. A steward sat opposite them, and for some unknown reason, they labelled him 'Frankie Dettori'.

Cue ninety minutes of them singing 'Frankeh Detooooreh!' and 'Nahden Frankeh. O tha racin' terneet?' As soon as he deemed to answer, he was showered with 'Shut thi fuckin' gob!' 'Who fuckin asked thee?' and later 'Stand up, if yer hate Frankeee!' amongst other 'Frankeh Detoooreh!' nause.

He looked relieved when the final whistle went.

pommpey

 

[raul]

About 10 seasons ago, gangway B, row about AA, seat about 70 to 80 ish, sat a bold headed guy in his 50's. Every time the ball went out of play, he'd be jumping up out of his seat, shouting "OUR BALL" no matter which player / team it came off last.

Anyway, it did get to be rather annoying as I had the mis-fortune of having my season ticket next to him.

But one match, for some reason, he did not turn up. After about 10 minutes, ball goes out for a throw in. And silence. Someone turns round from a couple of rows down, has a look around and shouts "Where the f***s Ahhh ball today!!!" Made me smile anyway.

Cuba probably....

 

[blade too long]

I like the standard , never seen a salad to really fat stewards on away days been some classics over the years.
My dad used to suffer from terrace rage , Quiet as a mouse at home his alter ego would surface at games, I remember Tom Fenoughty playing on the wing , was not up for it sherking challenges , not going in at all , my dad shouting , "come and stand we me tom if tha dunt wanna get mucky"

 

[Grecian2000]

My dad used to suffer from terrace rage

Aha, now I see. Classic case of over compensation from his offspring to try and restore family credibility

 

[Kenilworth]

There was some good banter with a young (early 20s) steward at Yeovil last season but i'll be buggered if I can remember what it was. He had a silly haircut - shaved at the sides and he was carrying a bit of extra timber. He took it all in good humour but he was merciless ribbed all second half.

 

[georgebernardshaw]

We used to stand on the Kop end of the Terrace (yes, I know) - there was one bloke who always arrived late and pissed and then pushed his way towards the front. There had been a bit a fracas there during the previous home match, and a couple of plods were standing right at the back with their backs to the stand wall.

So laddo arrives with his mate, fails to see the the Sweeney, and spots a rather corpulent copper walking round the pitch. "Hey, look at that fat bastard, if he fell over, he'd rock himself to sleep getting up! - hey, what's going on, what you doing?"

 

[blade too long]

Aha, now I see. Classic case of over compensation from his offspring to try and restore family credibility

no I still vent my spleen , but keep it at the lane , , just I like to consider the bigger picture , not just our little local difficulty , we are not in our finest hour,but the winds of football change , sometimes like a whirlwind

 

[WorkingtonBlade]

We used to stand on the Kop end of the Terrace (yes, I know) - there was one bloke who always arrived late and pissed and then pushed his way towards the front. There had been a bit a fracas there during the previous home match, and a couple of plods were standing right at the back with their backs to the stand wall.

So laddo arrives with his mate, fails to see the the Sweeney, and spots a rather corpulent copper walking round the pitch. "Hey, look at that fat bastard, if he fell over, he'd rock himself to sleep getting up! - hey, what's going on, what you doing?"

I think it was at Watford a few years ago where a Blade of particularly limited intellect started a completely unprovoked lone rendition of "if you wear a yellow jacket you're a c***". Whether he didn't notice the two yellow-jacketed stewards right behind him, or whether he was just too stupid to realise they might possibly take offence, I don't know. He was about half way through the second line when they took one arm each and dragged him out of the ground.

 

[blade too long]

We used to stand on the Kop end of the Terrace (yes, I know) - there was one bloke who always arrived late and pissed and then pushed his way towards the front. There had been a bit a fracas there during the previous home match, and a couple of plods were standing right at the back with their backs to the stand wall.

So laddo arrives with his mate, fails to see the the Sweeney, and spots a rather corpulent copper walking round the pitch. "Hey, look at that fat bastard, if he fell over, he'd rock himself to sleep getting up! - hey, what's going on, what you doing?"

As I said I miss me dad

 

[Swanseablade]

There was some good banter with a young (early 20s) steward at Yeovil last season but i'll be buggered if I can remember what it was. He had a silly haircut - shaved at the sides and he was carrying a bit of extra timber. He took it all in good humour but he was merciless ribbed all second half.

Remember that it was about his "shit haircut." But the biggest jeer was when he swopped places with a reight mean bald looking steward. "We want our steward back!"

Then this year down there we had the Benny hill moment, when a blade went on the pitch and was chased out of the ground and across the playing fields. Pmsl.....

Summat about Yeovil - must be the Thatchers )

 

[cahill]

As others have posted, you had to be there. I used to stand on the terrace near the away fans behind huge fucking fences. Deathly quiet and one wag shouts with linesman 2 yard away "nah then linesman thee wife's at ooam in be wi a Wednesdayite......a black one" and response to away fans singing "you're so shit its unbelievable " one wag looks at the assembled away fans and shouts matter of factly "we can get worse than this.. dunt thee worry abaht that "

Another time on the kop and away fans are singing "your not singing any more" my mate breaks into a rendition of Mull of Kintyre

The disabled fans used to be placed in wheelchairs side of the pitch and away player carelessly blasts a ball towards them, bloke near me shouts "oy dunt thee kill arr spastics " deathly silence and then someone else shouts "there arr spastics and we love 'em"

 

[Northyorksblade]

Most terrace humour you had to be there. It often loses something in the telling. Going back to the Bury game, the chant about the Bury fan with the lampshade hat, seemed to start in the middle of the stand behind the goal, not where we were sitting, which was on the corner very near said daft looking lad. Whoever noticed had very good eye sight and a loud voice to get the whole of our fans singing about it.

 

[judge]

Reading some of these posts it seems we have more fans from the Barnsley
area with their thick as shit dialect than the pigs do

 

[broomhillblade]

I like the standard , never seen a salad to really fat stewards on away days been some classics over the years.
My dad used to suffer from terrace rage , Quiet as a mouse at home his alter ego would surface at games, I remember Tom Fenoughty playing on the wing , was not up for it sherking challenges , not going in at all , my dad shouting , "come and stand we me tom if tha dunt wanna get mucky"

I think the "Come and stand up 'ere wi' me" line must be nearly as old as football itself.

One incident which sticks in my mind was when I watched Boston United, in the heady days when they were in Division Two (before they returned to their rightful place in the Conference). Most match officials were pretty useless but one day they had Mark Halsey as referee. (I don't know whether he'd screwed up badly the previous week, and this was his punishment, or whether it was part of a plan to spread the better referees more widely). Before the match started he produced microphones and earpieces and handed a couple of sets to the bemused linesmen. Then followed a period of 'testing... testing...' At this point one wag in the crowd shouted: "Nay lad, tha'll not get any reception down 'ere.".

[Halsey gave an object lesson in how to referee a game, incidentally. He was brilliant.]

 

[blade too long]

the classic Rodney Marsh taking a corner and someone informing him the milkmans shagging his missus while hes here , or telling Alan Ball they are selling football boots with cuban heels at Dolcis

 

[Silent Blade]

I remember us singing at Mel Sterland "half of Darnall have been with your wife" at the opening minutes of the L**ds v Blades match in May 1991. He scored L**ds 1st goal which quietened us!

Also Steve Kindon coming in as sub when the Blades were winning 2-0 at home to Huddersfield in March 1981, we sang "Fat B*****d, Fat B*****d" but he responded with 2 goals and that quietened us!

 

[Slugger]

Remember a few lines of "heigh ho" the 7 dwarfs song to the vertically challenged Dennis Wise as he went to take a corner for Chelsea at Kop end