The Agana Aunt

[Steve Mackan]

I mentioned elsewhere that we’re starting a more regular fanzine in the new year. Really excited for one of the features. "The Agana Aunt" will be offering his advice to your Blaes-related problems and issues.

With that in mind, tell me an issue that you face on a matchday (or more generally) and I’ll put it to the man himself. (Although I cannot promise I’ll ask him every single one).

Mine might be...I sometimes go to the match with my mother in law and every time I do she brings along a packet of Tunnock’s Teacakes, how should I go about telling her that these are the only biscuit I do not like?

 

[Roygbiv]

Hi Tony, my parents have split and I don't know who's side to take. One of them is a Saudi Princess who I haven't heard from since 2016 and the other is a man who keeps telling me there is no better dad than him but has a history of selling all my favourite toys and not replacing them.

I just don't know which way to turn. Can you help Tony?

 

[Steve Mackan]

Hi Tony, my parents have split and I don't know who's side to take. One of them is a Saudi Princess who I haven't heard from since 2016 and the other is a man who keeps telling me there is no better dad than him but has a history of selling all my favourite toys and not replacing them.

I just don't know which way to turn. Can you help Tony?

Brilliant. That's as good a summary of current event as I have heard.

 

[Steve Mackan]

Edit: mine will be..

There's a bloke on the KOP that only shouts "do him, to him and don't foul him." How do I encourage him to widen his vocabulary.

 

[Bill Johnson]

Brilliant. That's as good a summary of current event as I have heard.

Actually Roy's a good friend of mine and that's all true.
I find your response brusque and unsympathetic at best.

 

[Steve Mackan]

Actually Roy's a good friend of mine and that's all true.
I find your response brusque and unsympathetic at best.

I've pissed off a friend of Roy's on the S24SU forum. How do I calm the situation without coming across like a wet blanket?

 

[Bill Johnson]

I've pissed off a friend of Roy's on the S24SU forum. How do I calm the situation without coming across like a wet blanket?

Ask Auntie Agana?

 

[Steve Mackan]

Ask Auntie Agana?

Precisely.

 

[coaxingstar71]

1. Who was the zone man?
2. Was Dave Bassett really a dinosaur?

 

[BigBed]

Dear Auntie Agana,

A couple of months ago, I was stood having a piss in the bathroom, which overlooks our neighbours garden, when I happened to look up and notice my neighbours 18yr old daughter, laid naked, sunbathing next to their shed!!
I rose to my tiptoes, just to make sure what I was seeing wasn't the remnants of the night before clouding my vision.
Sure enough, her oily tanned, firm young body, was glistening in the sunlight.
I almost immediately became aroused, and as I already had the old chap in hand, decided to indulge in a quick wank....
As I was enjoying my self abuse, I was startled to hear a sharp cough behind me!?, as I let go of the window, and lowered from my tiptoes, I turned to see the missus, staring at me, arms crossed, and a very stern look on her face.

Is my wife a pervert!!??
I've never known her to spy on me Wanking before, and this has had quite an affect on our sex life since.
What should I do?, I've tried to talk to her about her problem, but she won't talk to me about it!??

Please help!.

 

[The Crab]

I get sick of the guy behind me shouting "shoot" all the time.

Especially as it was 15 minutes before kick off.

 

[norfolkblade]

I get sick of the guy behind me shouting "shoot" all the time.

Especially as it was 15 minutes before kick off.

Sorry mate I just get a bit too involved while watching the warm up, I'll tone it down for you

 

[CopenhagenBlade]

I get sick of the guy behind me shouting "shoot" all the time.

Especially as it was 15 minutes before kick off.

Were you on a grassy knoll?

 

[Bill Johnson]

I get sick of the guy behind me shouting "shoot" all the time.

Especially as it was 15 minutes before kick off.

That'll be Ceasefire. Haven't you read his post?

 

[niktheblade]

Dear Agana Aunt,

I have a real problem on match days, I sometimes want a programme when I'm sat in the stands but am not sure how much they cost and if I have enough money in my pocket at the time. Would it be so hard for United to say, advertise the price by some method that lets everyone know simultaneously how much said programme was?

Yours
Mr T. Quid

 

[The Crab]

Dear Agana Aunt,

I'd like to talk to you about "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter".

You see my problem is, I can believe it's not butter, because it's shite.

 

[Pierre's PC]

Dearest Tony

My dog suffers from terrible separation anxiety on match days. I hate to see him like this as it causes us both great upset.

Do you think it would be best to wrap him in a bin bag, chuck him in the canal and get a cat instead who won't give a fuck when I walk out the door?

Looking forward to seeing your considered response.

Peep

 

[The Crab]

Dear Agana Aunt,

I noticed recently on Facebook, the council saying they are "Winter Ready". Does this mean we can look forward to the gritters coming out way too late, and there being fuck all in the grit bins again?

 

[benn5712]

Were you on a grassy knoll?

No. That was Chedwyn.

 

[Pierre's PC]

Tony,

I live far from Bramhall Road so have to watch my favourite soccer team using the interwebz. The problem is that while finding a suitable website to view the event, I find myself constantly drawn to other sites that offer an endless amount of tentacle porn.

As its NNN this is dangerous, do you have any advice?

 

[Westran]

Dear Auntie Agana,

Every match day I meet my mates at the pub for a few ales around 3 hours before kick off. This is the most enjoyable part of the day usually as, although the football is entertaining, I usually miss half of the match as I'm up and down to the toilet for most of the match and can't help but have a quick smoke (often of the green variety) whilst I'm up there.

Anyway, my mate has started working late for mid week matches and often has child care issues on a Saturday, this is ruining my enjoyment of the day and I don't really like change.

So what I want to know, is it acceptable to drink on my own before the match or should I drop this friend and go with someone else from now on?

 

[rompodebailey]

I can see this being my favourite thread from now on.

 

[niktheblade]

Dear AA,

At the end of most matches, I like to leave at around the 80 minute mark to avoid the traffic on my 3 mile journey home as our lass is reight pissed off when I'm late for me tea. Problem is, is that fellow blades are always telling me to siddarn when I stand up to leave. Usually I stand at the top of the steps till the final whistle goes then sprint down the concourse to my car.

Does this mean that i'm not a bigger Blade than the folks still sat in their seats at full time?

Yours
Alan Bellend

 

[Bladesman]

I get sick of the guy behind me shouting "shoot" all the time.

Especially as it was 15 minutes before kick off.

Anyone else notice that we were 1-0 up against Wigan before the match kicked off?

 

[BigBed]

Dearest Tony

My dog suffers from terrible separation anxiety on match days. I hate to see him like this as it causes us both great upset.

Do you think it would be best to wrap him in a bin bag, chuck him in the canal and get a cat instead who won't give a fuck when I walk out the door?

Looking forward to seeing your considered response.

Peep

You'd be able to take the cat to the match, problem solved.
Not sure if it would count in the attendance figures though??

 

[GreasyChipBeattie]

Dear Agana Aunt,
I've been mulling over this problem for a long time now.
The thing is, I just don't know how to put it into words.
Could you help me please?

 

[georgebernardshaw]

Dear Agana Aunt,

How can I persuade the peasants on here that it’s “maggots” and not “magnet”?

Yours outrageously,
Hugh Jarse (Mrs).

 

[The Crab]

Dear Aunt Agana,

A nice sounding foreign chap called "Mark" phoned me the other day, and asked if I'd had an accident in the last three years. So I said yes actually, I had. Something I thought was a fart resulted in quite a monumental follow through, heavily staining a nice pair of Debenhams trousers and leaving a large mark on my Ikea Sofa.

My question is, how much do you think I will get?

 

[metalblade]

Dear Agana Aunt
I think the woman who sits next to me is a pig fan, every match during the 2nd half she puts her hand down my trousers and screams "SHOOT" over and over.
Regards Issac Hunt

 

[georgebernardshaw]

Dear Aunt Agana,

A nice sounding foreign chap called "Mark" phoned me the other day, and asked if I'd had an accident in the last three years. So I said yes actually, I had. Something I thought was a fart resulted in quite a monumental follow through, heavily staining a nice pair of Debenhams trousers and leaving a large mark on my Ikea Sofa.

My question is, how much do you think I will get?

2 or 3 fluid ounces is my guess,
Hope this helps