The Agana Aunt

[Trigger Blade]

Dear Agana Aunt,

While searching through my step moms underwear and vibrator drawer the other day I noticed she had a ticket for the Derby on the 9th November, ( despite having less than 500 loyalty points.). The club should stop this sort of thing. Oh. Will a little bit of dried semen stop the bar code reader working?


Ian, Eckington

I asked my friend Shaun and he wasn't much help on this occasion, he phones in sometimes you know....

 

[SouthEssexBlade]

Dear Agana Aunt,

I am a very heavy drinker and each day consume about twenty pints of bitter. I enjoy this and as my wife knew of my hobby when we met, she puts up with a lot from me really, but I also do the same with her.

Last night I staggered, singing loudly O Tony, Tony, Tony Tony Tony Tony Agana up the drive and stumbled through the door, like you do, was sick on the carpet and stumbled up to bed. My wife knows I always do this.

I made love to my wife and in the middle of the night got up to go to the lavatory and accidentally urinated in my wife's wardrobe, then I trod on the cat's tail, threw it to its death out of the window then punched my wife, after which I fell downstairs, put some chips on to cook and forgot about them, falling asleep. Apparently the chip pan then caught fire and burned the house down.

Then I realised it was the wrong house. This has not happened before, but I feel it was a warning to me to change my ways. Should I become a vegetarian?

 

[Tom Bott]

Dear AA,

despite all your help over the years I fear that I may need to consume a gallon of Magnet to help me vent my spleen against dem opposition for a full 90 minutes on Friday.

Could you tell me which licensed premises sell such these days.


Brachycera maggot.

 

[SouthEssexBlade]

Dear AA

I have had a sex change using guidance from a DIY website. After sending a Western Union transfer to Asomal Ian Pyreat purportedly in Nigeria. a photocopy of two pages from Greys Anatomy, a boxcutter, a blowtorch and a mini tube of superglue arrived. I followed the instructions but next door's dog ran away with my testicles. I have changed my mind now. Can I cut that bastard dog's bollocks off and graft them into what's left of my sack, superglueing the scrotum together again?

Yours

Ivorcut Mabollokov

 

[Sean Thornton]

Dear AA

I have had a sex change using guidance from a DIY website. After sending a Western Union transfer to Asomal Ian Pyreat purportedly in Nigeria. a photocopy of two pages from Greys Anatomy, a boxcutter, a blowtorch and a mini tube of superglue arrived. I followed the instructions but next door's dog ran away with my testicles. I have changed my mind now. Can I cut that bastard dog's bollocks off and graft them into what's left of my sack, superglueing the scrotum together again?

Yours

Ivorcut Mabollokov

Dear Ivorcut,

You can, but you will no longer be allowed in the ground.

Tone.

 

[SouthEssexBlade]

Dear Agana Aunt,

I am a man who by most people's standards would be considered normal. I am in my late 50s and lead an average life, except for my hobby: baton twirling.

I have been fascinated with baton twirling since I was a boy. I never took it up, however, for fear of appearing effeminate. Now that I am a man and comfortable with my masculinity, I twirl in my home or back yard during my leisure moments. I cannot describe to you how much flak I have received about this.

While baton twirling may be an unusual hobby, I don't see what is so wrong with it. What do you think? I am unashamed, and proud to print my name.

Chris 'the Twaddle' Waddle

 

[DifferentClass]

Tony,

I find myself sexually attracted to obese Sheffield Wednesday fans.

Please help.

 

[Tynemouth Blade]

Dear Agana Aunt

My mate has just offered me a spare ticket for the Pig roast this Friday evening.
(Apparently he can't get a lift from Stannington!)
The problem is we have friends visiting this week and my girlfriend says if I take up the offer of a ticket and go to the match she'll leave me!
Can you help me with my dilema?

a confused Geordie



P.S. forget it, I've decided.
I will miss her though, she makes a lovely sandwich!

 

[Robby Blade]

Dear Agana Aunt,

I am a very heavy drinker and each day consume about twenty pints of bitter. I enjoy this and as my wife knew of my hobby when we met, she puts up with a lot from me really, but I also do the same with her.

Last night I staggered, singing loudly O Tony, Tony, Tony Tony Tony Tony Agana up the drive and stumbled through the door, like you do, was sick on the carpet and stumbled up to bed. My wife knows I always do this.

I made love to my wife and in the middle of the night got up to go to the lavatory and accidentally urinated in my wife's wardrobe, then I trod on the cat's tail, threw it to its death out of the window then punched my wife, after which I fell downstairs, put some chips on to cook and forgot about them, falling asleep. Apparently the chip pan then caught fire and burned the house down.

Then I realised it was the wrong house. This has not happened before, but I feel it was a warning to me to change my ways. Should I become a vegetarian?

Dear SEB.

I fully understand your problem as I also have exactly the same lifestyle and was worried that one day it would catch up with me.

Fortunately I discovered oven chips. These will turn to charcoal before igniting. Problem solved and can now carry on my slightly selfish lifestyle.

 

[Ainsley Harriott]

Edit: mine will be..

There's a bloke on the KOP that only shouts "do him, to him and don't foul him." How do I encourage him to widen his vocabulary.

If that’s the same bloke I know, the back few rows take the piss out of him

 

[Steve Mackan]

If that’s the same bloke I know, the back few rows take the piss out of him

I can almost guarantee it will be. He's a nightmare beyond parody.

 

[Torrix1889]

Dear Agana Aunt

I've been looking all over this forum and the many Blades pages on Facebook to try and establish whether form goes out of the window on Derby Day.....?

If is does, which window....?

Thanks

George Formby

 

[Ainsley Harriott]

I can almost guarantee it will be. He's a nightmare beyond parody.

“To ‘im
To ‘im
TO ‘IM”

He’s calmed down a bit now.

I don’t like it when he shouts ‘to ‘im ya cunt’

 

[The Crab]

Dear AA,

I have tried to attend every away match for the last few seasons, but for some reason I always end up in Wales and miss the game. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear AA,

Someone who bought a Crab Nav from me keeps blaming me for ending up in Wales when he should be at an away match, and is threatening to go legal on me.

Vern has taken Val for some Winter Sun, so I wondered if you could go round and fill him in for me? There's a drink in it for you.

 

[The Crab]

Dear AA,

Would you rather fight a Horse sized Duck, or ten Duck sized Horses?

 

[Pierre's PC]

Dear Agana Aunt

Regards

#TeamMeme

 

[Westran]

Dear Agana Aunt,

At half time at every game I take my spot in the usual spot in the concourses of the kop, all my friends stand around there and with some, it's the only time I see them.

However, there's a bloke who always comes and stands with me who I don't know and tells me about his pet monkey (no joke).

Firstly, I'm not really interested and this detracts from the time I get to spend with my friends who I only see at matches.

Secondly the chap doesn't seem like the type of person who would know how to properly care for such an exotic pet and I don't know whether I should call the RSPCA. But then I don't have his address anyway and asking them to follow 'that chavy looking lad' walking out the back of the kop could lead to some confusion.

Do you have any advice?

Regards
Marty

 

[Steve Mackan]

Dear Agana Aunt,

At half time at every game I take my spot in the usual spot in the concourses of the kop, all my friends stand around there and with some, it's the only time I see them.

However, there's a bloke who always comes and stands with me who I don't know and tells me about his pet monkey (no joke).

Firstly, I'm not really interested and this detracts from the time I get to spend with my friends who I only see at matches.

Secondly the chap doesn't seem like the type of person who would know how to properly care for such an exotic pet and I don't know whether I should call the RSPCA. But then I don't have his address anyway and asking them to follow 'that chavy looking lad' walking out the back of the kop could lead to some confusion.

Do you have any advice?

Regards
Marty

Definitely putting this one to him.

 

[Cruyff Turn]

Dear Agana Aunt

For some time now, I have had a strange desire to swing a pig, from Hyde Park Flats to Wadsley Bridge. Is this behavior considered acceptable and normal in polite society?

The last time I attempted something similar was Blowing Bubbles, but this seemed to get me in to a lot of bother with the RSPCA and the estate of the late, great Michael Jackson, so I am keen to avoid similar embarrassment.

Your advice would be invaluable

Regards

Johann C.

 

[TONY_TONY_AGANA]

Dear Agana Aunt,

I'm afraid to stand up at the game as I think people will shout 'SIDDARN' at me. What should I do?

Yours hopefully,

Tony_Tony_Agana

 

[The Crab]

Dear Agana Aunt,

I have a noisy neighbour, he likes to bellow about how much bigger his house is than mine, and how many more visitors he gets. Anyway, twice a year we have a little get together where he is at his most vociferous and he makes some quite outlandish claims. However, he has recently fallen out with his "wealthy" Thai Uncle, he's even stopped calling him "Mr" such is the depth of the argument.

So, in the lead up to our little get together on Friday evening, he is behaving a little oddly. Not the usual bellicose boasts, but very humble. He says he expects my food to be better than his, the Wine choice far superior, and has even suggested that he wouldn't be suprised if I slept with his wife (I already am but I'm hoping to save that bombshell for the next get together).

This change in behaviour is freaking me out, what do I do?

Yours,

Mike Hunt

 

[Sean Thornton]

Dear Agana Aunt,

My life is in tatters. I've lost all my money after being conned.

I didn't think I was stupid, I didn't buy magic beans, not even baby unicorns, but the promise of buying an incredible "Old Lady" - one of the seven wonders of Barnsley - intrigued me.

The stands were reputedly paved with gold, the gardens resplendent with fakeodesso, which gave those on it La Liga powers and devout followers who I was told were a right gullible but wealthy bunch who I could fleece at will, over and over again. It started so well, people fawning over me and calling me "Mr" with great respect. Now they call me a cunt when I have a ciggie outside. The untold wealth they have to buy tickets turned out to be fools gold, or JSA as they call it.

The team wasn't so much La Liga as La Ligament Damage.

The Old Lady is an old bag, held together by rust and the fact that most seats aren't sat on, easing weight on the tarpaulin holding it all up.

Even my Golden Elephants have walked out and now sit either side of Derek Dooleys statue at Bramall Lane.

My manservants Carlos and Adolf have proved to be useless and I've now contracted FFP and embargo.

I admit I wouldn't take advice but I'm now consulting someone who knows how to take us out of this division, Les Strafford.

Do you think he is the right person to help me?

Dejphon

 

[Tynemouth Blade]

Dear Agana Aunt

Regards

#TeamMeme

 

[guancheblade]

Hi Tony, my parents have split and I don't know who's side to take. One of them is a Saudi Princess who I haven't heard from since 2016 and the other is a man who keeps telling me there is no better dad than him but has a history of selling all my favourite toys and not replacing them.

I just don't know which way to turn. Can you help Tony?

My favourite forum post EVER!! Take a bow Roy