Now the dust as settled. Personally, I feel worse, the more I think about it the more I worry there is worse to come. Got more questions than answers.
To me it sounds like Hecky got a letter from a long lost Aunty saying you’ve just been left a big old house , problem is , it’s in a state of disrepair , got huge running costs and the staff ain’t been paid for months. The Butler running the place as buggered off ( Foreigner he was, and no interest at all in taking this job on) and now it’s been looked after by the Gardener. But don’t worry there are a few bits of treasure hanging about that could be of value , and round the back we have a few young Chickens and a hen house , of course you can always use the eggs to feed the staff or maybe sell off some of the young chicks to feed the staff.
Aunty is in no doubt Hecky that you are the man for the job and won’t be judged on a weekly basis , even if the house collapses or becomes unsaleable. Another thing Paul, the land it’s built on is owned by Tesco. Their plan is to build a big Fxxk off distribution centre which will totally mess things up if we ever get any visitors again.
OH, by the way, please stay away from the garage , it’s unsafe and got a great big Fxxk off hole in the roof. I was warned about this by the previous Butler but chose not to listen as I thought he had got too big for his boots so showed him the Back door.
That’s all for now Paul, must dash my flights just been called, any problems I’ve left 10p on the big mantle piece, that way you can call someone who gives a FXXK.
Your loving Aunty.
Dear Paul.
Ever so sorry to abort my last letter so quickly, I did explain about the property but didn't have time to explain about the staffing issues.
Firstly, about the 3 treasures in the house, a couple of years ago I paid over 60 million pounds for them, I recently took them to Antiques Roadshow for a valuation where the only answer I got was " Get the Fxxk arter ere" so the best advice I got was put them on Ebay on a 5 day auction and offer free P&P.
Regarding the rest of the staff ,most of them have been here since me and your Uncle Kevin got divorced, do you remember him , I literally had his pants down and he didn't take it too well so don't go asking him for advice.
You may well have to off load most of the staff because a couple of years ago I was getting 32 to 34 thousand punters a week and paying the staff handsomely, but alas the Golden Goose as flown and you may have to let some go to balance the old books.
Firstly I would let go,
Lys, the Chauffeur . 3 times he's twatted the Roller, and cook says he comes down every night raiding the fridge, that will save you 50 quid a week minimum.
David, love him and he looks after the cattle, plays a mean banjo , you'll find him down by the barn doors trying to get the cows in by hitting them on the arse with his banjo, but sadly all too often he misses.
Then there's Oliver, the carpark attendent, he was fantastic when we where getting 32000 punters, he would point them all over the place, this corner, that corner , point them anywhere and everywhere, but sadly you may not need him if the punters stop coming.
Now Enda & Jud the 2 servants ,these 2 came recommended by the previous Butler and where fantastic at the beginning, ring my bell and they would fly up and down the East & West wings, but alas I think they are missing their old boss, they just stroll down the wings now and invariably have nothing to serve when they get here.
Finally William, been here since God was a lad and deserves a statue erecting in his honour, master of ceremony, party planner, maybe a keeper just in case you have anything to celebrate in your 5 years of your upcoming management.
Good luck Paul,
Your ever loving Aunt.