pommpey
THE FUTURE ... AS IT USED TO BE
- Banned
- #1
Sorry for the delay. Just completed my skit for TheSheffUnitedWay, had my tea (a really great tagliatelle bolognaise and a cool lager, went for a shit (medium soft, good colouration, no blood or worms, decent stools, about three of them) and watched that Kevin Costner film 'Let Him Go' which was dismally predictable and shit, save for a passing performance by Lesley Mandeville and the delectable Diane Lane in full GILF mode.
Shit. Where was I?
Oh yeah. Apart from today's other great news - the utter cunts from S6 failing miserably and tortuously to stay in the Championship and the sacking of the petulant gobshite that is Angela Rayner, apparently we played Crystal Palace today to provide opposition and fixture completion for the Premier League, and welcome three points for the opposition for the twenty-eighth time this season. It's become our duty now to pitch up at games and provide the other team with a team to play against of sorts, if only to give some players an appearance fee and goal bonus. My, how they are gonna miss us soon.
The starting lineup didn't leave much to the imagination as to how the game would start, develop and finish. 'H' (hang on, do AC12 know this?) swapped out the industrious but pointless Osborn for the potential of Berge and to give him some actual game time before we jettison him for an 'undisclosed' fee disappointingly low (but brutally honest) fee.
And hey presto, not even a minute in, Eze is streaking away from Norwood and the rest of midfield toward goal (we've seen this before) to lay it off to the leaden footed Benteke to clip off George Baldock for one-nil, whilst our mercurial number 16 stands like a fucking lamp-post in the penalty area with his hand in the air, hoping the ref, the lino, VAR and the watching public will agree with him that Benteke was offside. Dream on.
We then failed (as we do, always) to make as much of a smear on Crystal Palace's paintwork. It we weren't smacking the ball impressively across the pitch to a solitary, isolated George Baldock on the far flank for him to return it back to Ramsdale via Basham and Egan, we were overpassing, overplaying and simply underperforming right where it mattered. All over the place. Palace just seemed to be taking their time to pick us off and save for a great reaction stop from Ramsdale against Benteke we could have been more goals down. Palace just looked comfortable and at ease with our uselessness. Even Norwood's free kick ended up in the Bramall Lane Lower, and we used to make big about Kozluk crossing it into the kop once. Can anyone tell me what the fuck Oliver Norwood does, apart from fuck things up down there? Can anyone tell me he is now, any better than Michael Doyle or Mark Patterson or Brian Howard, for example? Yet some still suck his dick for what he does and say he'll be good for us next season.
Second half there were marginal improvements, but it's a bit like your first tentative dry fart after a protracted bout of splattering shits. It simply tells you that the worst of it may be over. You still feel rough. And rough is how we were playing. Berge failed to do much but look like he is protecting an injury, Fleck looks like he can't fucking wait to get out, Norwood is hanging onto his sanity (simply knowing his last top flight days are soon over) and the wingbacks just went nowhere special, even when looking like they'd broken through and were able to find a head in the box. Some 17 year old strolled on, looked head and shoulders more capable than the more experienced bloke he'd replaced (and several of the expensive duds who also play in his spot) and Osborn finally did appear, if only to do his Tasmanian Devil skit.
And then we finally changed shape, ditched Bryan, brought on the penile wart that is Lundstram who later on was fried, seasoned, flipped and served on a plater by Eze, who'd been running about for an hour and ten longer than him and nimbly sprinted away to shimmy through our bereft set of failures to cap the win, courtesy of an admittedly unlucky Fleck. That will be the last goal he scores at Bramall Lane.
In all though, today was a demonstration that H does not even know how to break this team out of Wilderball and we are so easy to anticipate, force wide, outnumber, disarm and neutralise. It is 'business as usual'. Turn up. Get beat.
Ramsdale 7.5/10: Great stops first and second half. Absolutely shit distribution.
Baldock 5.5/10: Not a classic Baldock outing. Did better in the second half.
Basham 6/10: Still a minor hero and does (largely) all the right things
Egan 6/10: A busy afternoon sharing the marking of Benteke with Bryan. Again, some timely headers and tackles
Bryan 5/10: Pretty standard game. He is still a bit Championship though, isn't he?
Stevens 5/10: Only just. He's had it at Bramall Lane now. His head is gone and he's just going through the motions
Berge 4/10: I still don't really think this bloke 'gets' the pace and intensity of PL football. Mind you, neither does the rest of the fucking team, to be honest.
Norwood 4/10: Only just. Some decent-ish (but ineffective) passes aside, he was his usual weak, crap self. Their midfield might as well have been playing against me. On my own.
Fleck 5/10: SLightly more John than Jimmy, but still not a fucking sign now of JF of old. He's waiting for his taxi north to the kingdom of kilts and agony bags
McGoldrick 6/10: Still looking like the only player looking ahead a few passes and making the anticipatory moves to endanger. But as he is, he is then targetted by three or four players and closed down
Burke 3/10: Really no idea why I am giving him '3'. 27 minutes before he touched the ball (I think)
Osborn 5/10: If anything, just for 'running about' like he fucking cares that we are the laughing stock of English football, more than the pigs, in fact
Jebbison 6/10: Instantly involved, looking like he has potential and unlucky not to score
Lundstram 2/10: In fact, fuck it. Nowt out of ten. Off you go lad.
Fuck me. I have even played this game on FIFA with all the 'biases' switched off which I put in to make us play like we actually do and got a result on Legendary. That gave me some hope.
Then Eze picks the ball up in the first minute and the reality kicks in. We either hire a manager who has the guts to change things and change for the better or see Sheffield Wednesday ... ? That's us next season if we don't and by then, you never know ... Moore may have had a rearrange of his own and they might even come back up in our place. Think that's not possible? How did you feel just before Wolves's first goal at BDTBL last year? Now transpose that forward to today, where we are and how bad we are playing.
Stranger things happen.
pommpey
Shit. Where was I?
Oh yeah. Apart from today's other great news - the utter cunts from S6 failing miserably and tortuously to stay in the Championship and the sacking of the petulant gobshite that is Angela Rayner, apparently we played Crystal Palace today to provide opposition and fixture completion for the Premier League, and welcome three points for the opposition for the twenty-eighth time this season. It's become our duty now to pitch up at games and provide the other team with a team to play against of sorts, if only to give some players an appearance fee and goal bonus. My, how they are gonna miss us soon.
The starting lineup didn't leave much to the imagination as to how the game would start, develop and finish. 'H' (hang on, do AC12 know this?) swapped out the industrious but pointless Osborn for the potential of Berge and to give him some actual game time before we jettison him for an 'undisclosed' fee disappointingly low (but brutally honest) fee.
And hey presto, not even a minute in, Eze is streaking away from Norwood and the rest of midfield toward goal (we've seen this before) to lay it off to the leaden footed Benteke to clip off George Baldock for one-nil, whilst our mercurial number 16 stands like a fucking lamp-post in the penalty area with his hand in the air, hoping the ref, the lino, VAR and the watching public will agree with him that Benteke was offside. Dream on.
We then failed (as we do, always) to make as much of a smear on Crystal Palace's paintwork. It we weren't smacking the ball impressively across the pitch to a solitary, isolated George Baldock on the far flank for him to return it back to Ramsdale via Basham and Egan, we were overpassing, overplaying and simply underperforming right where it mattered. All over the place. Palace just seemed to be taking their time to pick us off and save for a great reaction stop from Ramsdale against Benteke we could have been more goals down. Palace just looked comfortable and at ease with our uselessness. Even Norwood's free kick ended up in the Bramall Lane Lower, and we used to make big about Kozluk crossing it into the kop once. Can anyone tell me what the fuck Oliver Norwood does, apart from fuck things up down there? Can anyone tell me he is now, any better than Michael Doyle or Mark Patterson or Brian Howard, for example? Yet some still suck his dick for what he does and say he'll be good for us next season.
Second half there were marginal improvements, but it's a bit like your first tentative dry fart after a protracted bout of splattering shits. It simply tells you that the worst of it may be over. You still feel rough. And rough is how we were playing. Berge failed to do much but look like he is protecting an injury, Fleck looks like he can't fucking wait to get out, Norwood is hanging onto his sanity (simply knowing his last top flight days are soon over) and the wingbacks just went nowhere special, even when looking like they'd broken through and were able to find a head in the box. Some 17 year old strolled on, looked head and shoulders more capable than the more experienced bloke he'd replaced (and several of the expensive duds who also play in his spot) and Osborn finally did appear, if only to do his Tasmanian Devil skit.
And then we finally changed shape, ditched Bryan, brought on the penile wart that is Lundstram who later on was fried, seasoned, flipped and served on a plater by Eze, who'd been running about for an hour and ten longer than him and nimbly sprinted away to shimmy through our bereft set of failures to cap the win, courtesy of an admittedly unlucky Fleck. That will be the last goal he scores at Bramall Lane.
In all though, today was a demonstration that H does not even know how to break this team out of Wilderball and we are so easy to anticipate, force wide, outnumber, disarm and neutralise. It is 'business as usual'. Turn up. Get beat.
Ramsdale 7.5/10: Great stops first and second half. Absolutely shit distribution.
Baldock 5.5/10: Not a classic Baldock outing. Did better in the second half.
Basham 6/10: Still a minor hero and does (largely) all the right things
Egan 6/10: A busy afternoon sharing the marking of Benteke with Bryan. Again, some timely headers and tackles
Bryan 5/10: Pretty standard game. He is still a bit Championship though, isn't he?
Stevens 5/10: Only just. He's had it at Bramall Lane now. His head is gone and he's just going through the motions
Berge 4/10: I still don't really think this bloke 'gets' the pace and intensity of PL football. Mind you, neither does the rest of the fucking team, to be honest.
Norwood 4/10: Only just. Some decent-ish (but ineffective) passes aside, he was his usual weak, crap self. Their midfield might as well have been playing against me. On my own.
Fleck 5/10: SLightly more John than Jimmy, but still not a fucking sign now of JF of old. He's waiting for his taxi north to the kingdom of kilts and agony bags
McGoldrick 6/10: Still looking like the only player looking ahead a few passes and making the anticipatory moves to endanger. But as he is, he is then targetted by three or four players and closed down
Burke 3/10: Really no idea why I am giving him '3'. 27 minutes before he touched the ball (I think)
Osborn 5/10: If anything, just for 'running about' like he fucking cares that we are the laughing stock of English football, more than the pigs, in fact
Jebbison 6/10: Instantly involved, looking like he has potential and unlucky not to score
Lundstram 2/10: In fact, fuck it. Nowt out of ten. Off you go lad.
Fuck me. I have even played this game on FIFA with all the 'biases' switched off which I put in to make us play like we actually do and got a result on Legendary. That gave me some hope.
Then Eze picks the ball up in the first minute and the reality kicks in. We either hire a manager who has the guts to change things and change for the better or see Sheffield Wednesday ... ? That's us next season if we don't and by then, you never know ... Moore may have had a rearrange of his own and they might even come back up in our place. Think that's not possible? How did you feel just before Wolves's first goal at BDTBL last year? Now transpose that forward to today, where we are and how bad we are playing.
Stranger things happen.
pommpey
