has anyone actually shit themselves at the lane?

[sitwell]

I had one in the woods walking the dog the other day ,following day it had gone. Did I dream it or what would have eaten that ?

 

[Grecian2000]

I had one in the woods walking the dog the other day ,following day it had gone.

Pretty sure my dog would fuck off if I'd had a shit whilst walking her too.

Last time I had to have one at a sporting event was at Queens Park the other year. Someone had left a Cumberland Sausage lookalike before me. Couldn't get rid of the fucker so added on my deposit atop.
My worst ever toilet experience was at the Reading Festival many moons ago, still makes me feel sick thinking about it.

 

[Dnblade]

Not at the Lane,but got caught short coming south on the M74 near Carlisle a couple of weeks ago..managed to make it to the stainless steel toilets,but didn't bargain for the auto flush which was set to about once per minute,and dampened more than my spirits.

 

[2ndtenorblade]

HH[/QUOTE]

10/10 for encouraging a change in the avenue of discussion...

I once had the mis-fortune to be pooped on by the old dog. I think it was some sort of dirty protest.

Gash experience, while sleeping.

.

My girlfriend’s puppy has been eating it's own shit and the vet suggested feeding it pineapple as it makes the shit taste vile which left me wondering how the vet found this out

 

[PeterNdlovu081]

After the 2-0 defeat to Wednesday in January 2008 at Hillsborough I quite comprehensively shat myself in the Currys at Furnival Gate. I then had to get the train back to Barnsley and squelch all the way home. Diarrhoea everywhere.

Pretty bad day all round.

 

[Keef Chedwyn]

Not babbed myself at the Lane but had to go in the ground early once because I panicked that it was getting a bit close for comfort. Luckily it wasn't a busy night (Weir's last game).

I did once bab myself on my way home from a night shift. Normally I'd stop in the bushes on the parkway or something but this time I thought I could make it. At the bottom of Eccy Road I remembered they were resurfacing the roads around us and I would struggle to get parked and inside in time. Thought fuck it and just did it in my pants.

 

[PeterNdlovu081]

My girlfriend’s puppy has been eating it's own shit and the vet suggested feeding it pineapple as it makes the shit taste vile which left me wondering how the vet found this out

On the upside, the puppy's joy juice will taste great though.

 

[Torrix1889]

Brilliant thread....

 

[Dnblade]

Brilliant thread....

No mate,I think you mean 'shit thread'.

 

[HuddersfieldBlade]

Had the squits at Huddersfield in the mid 90s, just made it to the loo in time

 

[silver blade]

As teenagers I remember a group of us traveling to bury on the train, we had no idea where the ground was never mind the public Loo's.
One of my mates kept saying he was desperate for a shit but we didn't take too much notice of him as we rushed in the direction of where we were told the ground was, eventually we came across a loo but he gave a sigh of relief too soon. He dropped his trousers too late, what does one do when you find a big turd in your boxers?
He stunk to high heaven, we stood behind the goal, there was a 20' no go area around him, one blade said what's that smell it smells as if someone has shit themselves, how right he was.
I won't name and shame the person as I believe he is now a school teacher.

 

[sitwell]

One of my most embarrassing experiences was again in woolley edge services. I had handled some steel which made my hands sticky and ran into the services busting for a shit just making it to the cubicle. I stood up wiped my arse and had a look at it like you do before throwing it down the bog. unfortunately it stuck slightly to my hand and went under the six inch gap between cubicles into next door. I had a glance under while pulling my trousers up and it was stuck to the sandal and foot of what I guess to be an elderly Asian gentleman. I tonned it out of the services without looking back......or washing my hands

 

[Silent Blade]

I remember coming back from the 2-1 defeat at Stoke in November 1975 and was desperate for a poo. My dad was driving the car (my Hibs supporting schoolmate was with us) looking for a public toilet (there werent many between Stoke and Dronfield). Eventually we found one in Leek. When I had gone in the toilet, it was so dark as the lights were broken so I had to feel my way to the toilet, the seat was broken and the flush wasnt working too so I had to position myself standing and slightly bend my knees to make sure that my crap would fall in the right place. It did but the next problem was that there were no toilet paper so I shouted to my dad for paper and my mate brought in the newspaper my had bought earlier in the day for me to wipe my arse.

 

[Blade]

I remember coming back from the 2-1 defeat at Stoke in November 1975 and was desperate for a poo. My dad was driving the car (my Hibs supporting schoolmate was with us) looking for a public toilet (there werent many between Stoke and Dronfield). Eventually we found one in Leek. When I had gone in the toilet, it was so dark as the lights were broken so I had to feel my way to the toilet, the seat was broken and the flush wasnt working too so I had to position myself standing and slightly bend my knees to make sure that my crap would fall in the right place. It did but the next problem was that there were no toilet paper so I shouted to my dad for paper and my mate brought in the newspaper my had bought earlier in the day for me to wipe my arse.

Why did I expect that tale to end with David pleat?

 

[Dkc]

One of my most embarrassing experiences was again in woolley edge services. I had handled some steel which made my hands sticky and ran into the services busting for a shit just making it to the cubicle. I stood up wiped my arse and had a look at it like you do before throwing it down the bog. unfortunately it stuck slightly to my hand and went under the six inch gap between cubicles into next door. I had a glance under while pulling my trousers up and it was stuck to the sandal and foot of what I guess to be an elderly Asian gentleman. I tonned it out of the services without looking back......or washing my hands

What's wrong with saying "now then mate you've got shit on your sandal?"

 

[Dkc]

I had a similarly embarrassing experience at Manchester Airport, catching a flight one morning with a severe case of diarrhea and desperate to locate a shitter. I’d already slightly sharted my underpants and dropped a pebble before I spotted a disabled toilet right by a busy waiting area. I tried the door and it was open. It was just a single unisex cubicle with supports and a cord alarm. I locked the door and just about made it to the bog, though the rim took some splatters. Then I just sat down as there was more to come.

I was letting out some serious trouser trumpet, and was sure that the waiting passengers outside would hear, or might even be able to smell, what was going on - but after the initial release I began to relax a little. I began to read my book as I tried to coax out as much as possible. Actually it wasn’t an unpleasant spot to while away time before a flight. Though to be fair the entire place must have fucking stunk

Imagine my horror upon opening the cubicle’s door to be confronted with an elderly lady in a wheelchair, together with a young female helper. They'd been waiting right outside as I farted loudly and evacuated my bowels while finishing my crime thriller. The place smelled awful and the younger lady visibly grimaced as the door fully opened. I’d tried to clean up as best as possible but was late for my flight. To my shame some evidence of my mishap remained.

“It’s all yours love” I said.

 

[Bladesman]

For the love of god JIm hurry up and appoint a new manager!

 

[Jehovah]

This is the shittiest thread I have ever read.

 

[torridon]

One of my most embarrassing experiences was again in woolley edge services. I had handled some steel which made my hands sticky and ran into the services busting for a shit just making it to the cubicle. I stood up wiped my arse and had a look at it like you do before throwing it down the bog. unfortunately it stuck slightly to my hand and went under the six inch gap between cubicles into next door. I had a glance under while pulling my trousers up and it was stuck to the sandal and foot of what I guess to be an elderly Asian gentleman. I tonned it out of the services without looking back......or washing my hands

Nearly followed through reading this, laughing my socks off, hilarious sitwell.

 

[Woodwardfan]

My daughter shit herself at Bramall Lane. We had no babysitters and I had our baby in arms on the cricket pavilion balcony when we beat Arsenal 5-0 or so. Can't tell you how difficult it is to watch United slaughter a great team with a baby in arms. Memory I'll never forget. Wife was in her usual seat, say no more!

 

[Blade56]

If it's true about John Hughes this could be the longest thread in S24SU history after his first home match.

 

[KingSlayers]

I pissed myself pre-match vs Wigan in 07, didn't think it could get much worse because I was wet and stinking and then later on jags gave away the handball and I realised how w*nk it is to be a blade.

UTB (Unfortunate for The Bladder)

 

[Dkc]

Perhaps we we need a new thread entitled "pissing your pants at the Lane."

 

[Highbury_Blade]

I'd have thought there'd be something better to use than your phone. Must have been a nightmare to clean afterwards.

Reminds me of this story from B3ta

Tenuous, but it was at work…

The other morning, I was sat on the khazi, as you do…and I’d finished my unusually efficient ‘innards evacuation’ activity…without any disastrous calamity (for a change)…so was happily finishing a game of solitaire on my phone before meandering back to work…

Suddenly, I heard the sound of the toilet block door being hoofed open, quickly followed by the urgent clatter of hurried steps…somebody obviously had a ‘mole at the counter’ in quite a dire (and potentially catastrophic) way.

The next thing I heard was the door of the trap next to me being slammed shut…then my poor ears bore witness to the frenzied sounds of dunghampers being wrenched down, followed by the gurning exasperation of a man whose spluttering ringpiece was blasting forth death-defying decibels of defecation…it was an almost virtuoso musical impersonation of the eruption of ‘Mount Vesuvius’ performed on the solo bum-trumpet.

I placed my hands firmly over my ears as I heard splats ricocheting around the battered bowl, and suffered the din of a pitiful poo-perpetrator squirming on the seat, groaning, farting and running his hands down the wall panel as he tried to hold on for dear life through the sheer violence of this excessive excrement exorcism.

At this point, (mid-whimper) I recognised the voice – It was none other than Derek, the potbellied, bullying mongoloid with a face like a freshly felched fudge funnel…

The very same Derek, in fact, who thinks he’s a fucking ‘kung fu master’ just because he’s watched the ‘Transporter’ movies, and who went out of his way (without any provocation) to try and make me look like a sirloin cuntsteak in front of the board of directors at the last meeting we attended. We don’t know each other that well, but his smarmy, nasal whine is burned into my mind.

I continued wretching quietly to myself as his sphincter-numbing slurry-fest perpetuated mercilessly next door…then to my surprise I heard some of the sweetest, most beautiful sounds you can imagine following such carnage.

I heard the sound of someone reaching for the loo-roll, closely followed by the sound of an empty tube being spun about its holder…then the sorrowful groan from a total wankspanner of a bloke being rapidly plunged into darkest despair.

I checked my watch…and realised Derek was already late for a very important meeting. Also, I could barely comprehend how uncomfortable he must have been sat atop that mound of munting mess from his mutilated mud-oven.

Disclaimer: Now please believe me, beautiful b3tards, I’m normally quite a nice, amiable guy…but I think you’ll all agree that I have had more than my fair share of crapper-related mishaps and misery…besides…this bloke is a right cunt.

So now...it was PAYBACK TIME.

I patiently waited, until with cringing inevitability, I heard Derek’s voice, trembling with shame as he was forced to humbly request the kindness of a ‘stranger’ through the brown, gassy wisps that were now slowly relieving him of his life-force by way of painful suffocation…

Derek *knocks*: ‘Scuse me mate, pass us some paper under?’

I contemplated for a moment…then spitefully confidently replied:

‘No!’

…

Derek: ’Pardon?’

Me: ‘What? – are you deaf as well as disgusting? It’s not my fault if you didn’t check for bogroll before you decided to splatter the place, and befoul the whole area with your repugnant effluence…so NO!’

Derek: ’Well, erm…what am I supposed to do?’

Me: ‘Quite frankly that’s none of my concern. Now…If you don’t mind I’ll be on my way. Enjoy.’

Derek: ‘Oh god, mate, I’m desperate! P-p-p-pleeeeease?’

Me (putting on fake ‘friendly’ tone): ‘Awww …well…’

After a dramatic pause my voice changed to a more vicious snarl as I continued:

Me: ‘Fiver’.

Derek: ‘What?’

Me: ‘You heard me. Five.English.Pounds. Consider it a fine for your lack of foresight and adequate preparation…like an ‘Idiot Tax’. Give me a fiver and I’ll see what I can do’.

Derek: ‘Fuck Off!’

Me: ‘Fair enough. Not my problem boyo. I’ll just inform the board that you won’t be attending the meeting then…(Here I start to whistle with an attempt at ‘menacing nonchalance’)

Derek: ‘Are you joking?.....Awww come on?’

Me: ‘Don’t ‘Awww come on’ with me, matey….and you’d better make your mind up quick…the price is going up…’

Derek: ‘Oh my GOD!’

After a brief pause I then heard the sound of tutting and mumbling, before a begrudged rummaging of clothes, and to my utter disbelief, a wrinkled up five pound note was coyly pushed under the side panel towards me.

He must have been really desperate.

Even though I was initially staggered at his submissive behaviour, It only served to spur me on.

Me: ‘There you go…now that wasn’t so difficult now was it?’

And with that, I tore off one single square of bogroll and slipped it back under the cubicle wall.

Derek: ‘Wha….? Is that it?’

Me: ‘Well, you didn’t stipulate exactly how much bogroll you would be requiring, did you?’

Derek: ‘*whimper* oh bloody hell…ok then …*sigh*. Could I have lots more please?’

Me (cheerily): ‘Noooo problem………that'll be another fiver’

Derek: ‘Oh for fuck’s sake!…But I haven’t got any more money’

Me: ‘Oh dear….*tuts* Oh dear oh dear…You haven’t learned a thing, have you?‘

And with that, I promptly begin to make my way out…making deliberate ‘step’ sounds towards the door…pretending to abandon Derek in his rancid honk-hovel.

Derek (with an audibly increased state of panic): ‘Oh god mate…don’t be like that…help us….please mate…..mate?......MAAAAATE!?!!”

I then heard his whimpers turned to sniffs, then mumbles of ‘oh-god-oh-god-oh-god' to himself…as he struggled to comprehend his options.

(I, meanwhile, became increasingly and joyously aware that he was just as afraid of toilet-related embarrassment as I was).

I then also realised that it actually wouldn’t be too long before someone else turned up to use the facilities...and whoever arrived would no doubt help him out, so I decided to bring my fun to an end.

As a final act, I walked back towards his cubicle and knocked on the door…

Me: ‘Alright then, cunt-face, I’ll let you off. Be more careful in future’.

With relief ebbing from his words he courteously gasped: ‘Oh, cheers pal’.

I then pushed his five pound note back under the door and said: ‘There you go…You can wipe your arse on that!’

At this point Derek let out a sigh so pathetic that it reverberated around the cold toilet tiles…and I just couldn’t stand anymore…I burst out laughing, then relented, handing him a big wadge of the precious poo-wipe-paper which he had coveted for so long.

And you know what?…deep down…I don’t think I’m really cut out for that kind of behaviour…If it hadn’t been for B3ta, I probably wouldn’t have done anything…

so I blame you lot – my conscience is clear…sort of…this time anyway.

 

[gavtheblade]

This is the shittiest thread I have ever read.

Bullshit

 

[HighfieldBlade]

He made it right to the top, but the climb was so scary that he literally shat himself when he got to the top. He was able to drop his trousers first, and in the moonlight we could all clearly see a string of turds dropping to earth from the floodlight's summit.

Thus was born the lyrics to the chant: Shit on the bastards below (below).

 

[William Large]

I had a similarly embarrassing experience at Manchester Airport, catching a flight one morning with a severe case of diarrhea and desperate to locate a shitter. I’d already slightly sharted my underpants and dropped a pebble before I spotted a disabled toilet right by a busy waiting area. I tried the door and it was open. It was just a single unisex cubicle with supports and a cord alarm. I locked the door and just about made it to the bog, though the rim took some splatters. Then I just sat down as there was more to come.

I was letting out some serious trouser trumpet, and was sure that the waiting passengers outside would hear, or might even be able to smell, what was going on - but after the initial release I began to relax a little. I began to read my book as I tried to coax out as much as possible. Actually it wasn’t an unpleasant spot to while away time before a flight. Though to be fair the entire place must have fucking stunk

Imagine my horror upon opening the cubicle’s door to be confronted with an elderly lady in a wheelchair, together with a young female helper. They'd been waiting right outside as I farted loudly and evacuated my bowels while finishing my crime thriller. The place smelled awful and the younger lady visibly grimaced as the door fully opened. I’d tried to clean up as best as possible but was late for my flight. To my shame some evidence of my mishap remained.

“It’s all yours love” I said.

Years ago when I was in the army, me and some mates went to Torquay for the weekend, travelling on the train. It was one of those smaller affairs that stops everywhere and takes forever.
In true squaddie style we got stuck into a few bags full of mcewans export and before too long were utterly wankered.
Frequent trips to the only toilet were had by us all and there weren't many others on the train. One of us came up with the idea that we should not piss down the toilet, but purposeful piss all over the seat, the floor, in the bin and then plug the sink and fill that with piss.
All was going swimmingly until I went to use it, gleefully adding to the small yellow, frothy lake sloshing around in the brimful sink and adding to the growing collection in the bin and finishing off on the toilet seat and floor.
As I opened the toilet door, I was faced with a young, really pretty, prim looking blonde feature in her early 20's.
Imagine my horror as I realised that she would now be walking into the stinking piss parlour that we had created.
Not only had we pissed all over the seat, we pissed into the bog roll holder ensuring not a dry sheet was to be had.
I tried my best to look innocent and convincing and said 'it wasn't me'. Before beating a hasty retreat back to the sanctuary of my arseholed mates.
The poor girl, I really hope she wasn't desperate for a dump, or even a piss for that matter........

 

[Highbury_Blade]

My girlfriend’s puppy has been eating it's own shit and the vet suggested feeding it pineapple as it makes the shit taste vile which left me wondering how the vet found this out

Darren ?

 

[Highbury_Blade]

Years ago when I was in the army, me and some mates went to Torquay for the weekend, travelling on the train. It was one of those smaller affairs that stops everywhere and takes forever.
In true squaddie style we got stuck into a few bags full of mcewans export and before too long were utterly wankered.
Frequent trips to the only toilet were had by us all and there weren't many others on the train. One of us came up with the idea that we should not piss down the toilet, but purposeful piss all over the seat, the floor, in the bin and then plug the sink and fill that with piss.
All was going swimmingly until I went to use it, gleefully adding to the small yellow, frothy lake sloshing around in the brimful sink and adding to the growing collection in the bin and finishing off on the toilet seat and floor.
As I opened the toilet door, I was faced with a young, really pretty, prim looking blonde feature in her early 20's.
Imagine my horror as I realised that she would now be walking into the stinking piss parlour that we had created.
Not only had we pissed all over the seat, we pissed into the bog roll holder ensuring not a dry sheet was to be had.
I tried my best to look innocent and convincing and said 'it wasn't me'. Before beating a hasty retreat back to the sanctuary of my arseholed mates.
The poor girl, I really hope she wasn't desperate for a dump, or even a piss for that matter........

You sound like a right bunch of Bantersaurus Rexes

 

[JohnDenver]

You sound like a right bunch of Bantersaurus Rexes

A polite way of describing them as an abject set of twats.