Ollessendro
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The following trio are wanted for crimes against football. The sunshine band and real ale and proper football alliance are offering a hefty reward for if any of these 3 are caught. Some heinous crimes were committed against the beautiful game in London over the weekend and these men are believed to be responsible. This is no laughing matter. Some seriously horrendous crimes were committed against the beautiful game that we love and these villains must pay.
In a statement earlier chief of both groups Ollessendro said that he will not rest until these criminals are brought to justice. A group of RAPFA and sunshine band members are out searching for Wilson, Montgomery and Taylor, led by Big Mart on horseback. A hefty sum is available for anyone who can name their whereabouts.
Taylor is charged with being spectacularly crap at football and pissing on Sheffield United’s promotion campaign. Brought on to take a penalty, he then went and completely fluffed it. This is a guy that has contributed nothing to United in his 3 years of being under contract. Looking completely out of his depth in the Championship, he then got injured and did not feature at all. He came back and put in a few inept performances in the third tier, before signing off with a shocking penalty miss. Ollessendro reminisced “I remember a game at home to Coventry when Speed was in charge. Taylor looked so out of his depth it was untrue. He got subbed off at half time and shortly afterwards got crocked. He then bled United of a wage for 18 months whilst he sat on the treatment table. He was so bad that Wilson even brought in not one, but 2 loans left backs, to ensure he didn’t get in the team. Still, the ‘penalty specialist’ made it onto the bench for the play off final and somehow ended up taking United most crucial penalty. Score and we are up. But he has never been a professional footballer and missed. True to form”. The shed builder was quoted as saying he would personally strangle Taylor with his Blades shirt if he ever saw him.
Montgomery has a long list of offences against football, but Saturday was one of his worst yet. A truly inept performance even by the maestro’s standards. He chased shadows all afternoon and did not find a red and white shirt in the whole 120 minutes. Shocking distribution and a terrible midfield performance where the game just passed him by. You’ve done your clown act too many times in a red and white shirt Monty. When Big Mart tracks you down you are heading straight to Pinchy’s basement for what will seem like drei thousand jahren.
Danny Wilson is charged with crimes against football for presiding over a cowardly, pathetic, negative and inept performance that Kevin Blackwell would have had wet dreams about. Wingers with the solitary job of tracking back, one up front, Monty and Doyle in centre mid and set up purely to nullify Rhodes (and Novak). Wilson’s hand may have been forced somewhat, but refusing to change things and stick with such negativity was painful on the eyes. The albino gorilla that founded the sunshine band was seen bleeding from the eyes and holds Wilson personally responsible. No amount of real ale was able to wash away the memory of two hours of horrendous negative football. Had Sheffield United actually bothered practicing penalties and won the shoot out, Wilson might have been pardoned. Instead he oversaw a performance that was worse to watch than Palace, Burnley and Wolves.
Any member of public that brings forward information on where these low lives may be hiding will be showered in real ale. Anyone found to be hiding these fugitives or holding back information will be forced to drink lager in a pub with judge.
