The Agana Aunt

[The Crab]

2 or 3 fluid ounces is my guess,
Hope this helps

Hugely, many thanks.

 

[Sean Thornton]

Dear Tony,

Over a number if years I've become addicted to making phone calls to put people right on certain subjects and have become famous locally. My mother says this has gone to my head when she found the bodies of 12 prostitutes in my wardrobe, but agreed to assist me in the disposal of the bodies, but that's not the main issue. Anyway, Sheffield United, how arrogant are their fans? I cry when its a "praise for the Blades" and the rage starts inside me, I lose all control, and can't stop myself saying Ched Evans, Ched Evans Ched Evans over and over again on the radio.

Do I need help?

Mick, Cab 67 Rawmarsh

 

[The Crab]

Dear Tony,

Over a number if years I've become addicted to making phone calls to put people right on certain subjects and have become famous locally. My mother says this has gone to my head when she found the bodies of 12 prostitutes in my wardrobe, but agreed to assist me in the disposal of the bodies, but that's not the main issue. Anyway, Sheffield United, how arrogant are their fans? I cry when its a "praise for the Blades" and the rage starts inside me, I lose all control, and can't stop myself saying Ched Evans, Ched Evans Ched Evans over and over again on the radio.

Do I need help?

Mick, Cab 67 Rawmarsh

Dear Mick,

I see you are a Taxi Driver? Your severe lack of the use of indicators, and random driving style would suggest you lack direction in life itself. Go out, meet women, although stop short of the murdery wardrobey bit as it's not really helpful to a long term relationship.

And stop ringing radio stations. I know you think you are some sort of Noel Coward or Orson Welles type, but really, you aren't.

 

[DanOundogg]

Dear Agana Aunt..

Why do people leave 10 mins before end of games.. especially when they got in 10 mins after kick off and went for a pint 10 mins before half time till 10 mins into second half??

 

[Steve Mackan]

Dear Agana Aunt..

Why do people leave 10 mins before end of games.. especially when they got in 10 mins after kick off and went for a pint 10 mins before half time till 10 mins into second half??

I think this might be the first, genuinely useable letter. As much as I like the others - and I do, of course - I don't think I can expect a reply if I send im one over that start like this:

Over a number if years I've become addicted to making phone calls to put people right on certain subjects and have become famous locally. My mother says this has gone to my head when she found the bodies of 12 prostitutes in my wardrobe, but agreed to assist me in the disposal of the bodies, but that's not the main issue.

 

[Sean Thornton]

Dear Agana Aunt,

While searching through my step moms underwear and vibrator drawer the other day I noticed she had a ticket for the Derby on the 9th November, ( despite having less than 500 loyalty points.). The club should stop this sort of thing. Oh. Will a little bit of dried semen stop the bar code reader working?


Ian, Eckington

 

[Iceybabey]

Hi Tony, my parents have split and I don't know who's side to take. One of them is a Saudi Princess who I haven't heard from since 2016 and the other is a man who keeps telling me there is no better dad than him but has a history of selling all my favourite toys and not replacing them.

I just don't know which way to turn. Can you help Tony?

 

[BerksBlade]

Dear Agana Aunt,
I'd like to talk to you about "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter".
You see my problem is, I can believe it's not butter, because it's shite.

If only Lydon were around to help you on this one....

 

[The Crab]

If only Lydon were around to help you on this one....

If only indeed buddy. Too many fucking people taken too soon......................

 

[shorehamview]

Dear Agana Aunt,
Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?

Cheers.

 

[Houston_Blade]

I mentioned elsewhere that we’re starting a more regular fanzine in the new year. Really excited for one of the features. "The Agana Aunt" will be offering his advice to your Blaes-related problems and issues.

With that in mind, tell me an issue that you face on a matchday (or more generally) and I’ll put it to the man himself. (Although I cannot promise I’ll ask him every single one).

Mine might be...I sometimes go to the match with my mother in law and every time I do she brings along a packet of Tunnock’s Teacakes, how should I go about telling her that these are the only biscuit I do not like?

I hope Tony tells you to stop being a twat as Tunnocks tea cakes are manna from heaven.

 

[Steve Mackan]

I hope Tony tells you to stop being a twat as Tunnocks tea cakes are manna from heaven.

They are the Monty of biscuits and even he couldn't have broken one.

 

[BerksBlade]

They are the Monty of biscuits and even he couldn't have broken one.

So what would be the TC of biscuits? Or the Jay McEveley of biscuits?

 

[Steve Mackan]

So what would be the TC of biscuits? Or the Jay McEveley of biscuits?

TC = Tunnock's bar.
McEvelely = Nice
Blades as Biscuits...now that's a thread.

 

[BerksBlade]

Blades as Biscuits...now that's a thread.

Was just thinking that myself

 

[Houston_Blade]

They are the Monty of biscuits and even he couldn't have broken one.

Have an unlike from me. I'm doubly pissed off as there were 2 tunnock's tea cakes in the fridge earlier and my kids have obviously eaten them at some point when I wasn't looking as I've just gone to have one and they're gone. There's only 1 supermarket here that sells them and it's a right trek.

 

[Silverware]

Dear Tony

As an early adopter of ‘mindfulness’, putting my feet up and drifting off during games has been the ideal antidote to the stresses of work and home.

Over the years a succession of third rate managers and inept players contributed to the therapy with little to disturb my meditative state on match days.

However the last 3 years have seen this harmony disrupted. Football worth watching, excited folk in the seats in all the seats around me, standing up throughout away games and even new songs to decipher.

Will this last or in the spirit of sharing, should I just take comfort in the thought that the anxiety-ridden folk at Hillsborough are increasingly able to take advantage of some of the under appreciated benefits of decline?

 

[Tom Bott]

Ian, Eckington

Formerly Blackpool.

 

[BonzoBlade]

Dear Agana Aunt
Please can you help with my half time trilemma?
In what order should I do fag, bog and pie/pint without having to miss any of the match?
It’s usually fag first unless it’s bog first depending on desparation level. Either way that could mean no pie left apart from the lonesome black superheated one.
What is your view with my latest plan of fag, pint downed in one, eat pie while urinating Carruthers style, another fag?
Yours
W Kerr

 

[I'll tell me dad.]

Dear Tony,
We've had an enquiry from Notts County for your services. They want the deal done before Friday if possible?

 

[Torrix1889]

Dear Agana Aunt..

Why do people leave 10 mins before end of games.. especially when they got in 10 mins after kick off and went for a pint 10 mins before half time till 10 mins into second half??

Your not anywhere near row m seat 110 in the Westfield are you?

 

[Ernest]

A long, long time ago I had a fantastic dream which involved me placing my ham javelin in the rear end of a beautiful blonde woman. I awoke to find that not only my fallace was rock solid, but so were the front of my Calvin Classics. I hid the evidence in my wardrobe, in a Spa carrier bag which was then placed in a PSP travel bag. I checked the location of the ‘goods’ daily for three years or so, until one day I found not only an empty Spa bag, but an empty PSP travel bag.

Tony, should I approach my parents and enquire about the whereabouts of the Calvin Classics?

Yours Sincerely,

Jord_Blade

 

[Deaneandagana]

Dear Tony

It’s Mark from Pitsmoor and do you know what I really like this thread - know what I mean Tony?

I really fink that this could be the future, do you get what I’m saying Tony?

And just another thing Tony, have you thought about doing a radio phone in & all these fans could listen to me talk complete bollocks every night, what do you fink Tony?

 

[raul]

Lord Palmerston once famously said “The Schleswig-Holstein question is so complicated, only three men in Europe have ever understood it. One was Prince Albert, who is dead. The second was a German professor who became mad. I am the third and I have forgotten all about it.”

How many people can make sense of our Accounts?

 

[Sean Thornton]

Lord Palmerston once famously said “The Schleswig-Holstein question is so complicated, only three men in Europe have ever understood it. One was Prince Albert, who is dead. The second was a German professor who became mad. I am the third and I have forgotten all about it.”

How many people can make sense of our Accounts?

Dear Raul,

You can make them say anything you want, though I do sense your pain.

Tone.

(Saxophone plays softly in the background)

 

[stringjunior]

Dear Agana Aunt

I feel like I'm missing something in my life. You see, for many years at family gatherings, weddings, bar mitzvas and the like I've been told, repeatedly, that when I put my left leg in, my left leg out, in, out, in, out and then shake it all about, do the hokey kokey and turn around, that this is in fact what it's all about. But surely there's more to life than this?

Can you help please?

 

[MobileBlade]

Can't believe no ones asked about cats in the attendance figures, where to get the GCB ring tone for a Nokia and the technicalities of a fax machine.

 

[Sean Thornton]

Dear Agana Aunt,

I recently discovered that if you take certain letters from the name "Sheffield W*dnesday Football Club Limited, the subliminal message "deluded c*nts" can be found. . Are there any other almost grammatically accurate descriptions of them in there?

 

[SouthEssexBlade]

Dear AA,

I have tried to attend every away match for the last few seasons, but for some reason I always end up in Wales and miss the game. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Tom Bott]

(Saxophone plays softly in the background)

While a buxom streaker gently blew the words 'you fill up my senses' in his ear.