Wife cricket

[Greasy Chap Butty]

I was looking forward to a tale of the wife sorting your balls n stump out!??

The slap of willow on leather etc

 

[Cerberus Blade]

I'm 62 for 1 and I'm not on a sticky wicket either, thankfully. I bowled her over 30 years ago and have been enforcing the follow-on ever since. It started when I caught her in the slips and then delivered a straight drive up her crease. She almost whipped my bails off that night, I can tell you!

 

[Cerberus Blade]

Seems my post of yesterday about my wife not quite getting my love for United has prompted a range of replies. Some mention numbers of ex wives and stuff like that. For this, me and my mates have a concept called Wife cricket. I thought it may interest you, it can of course, become husband cricket for The Bladettes out there.

It goes like this, your ‘score’ is a balance between your age and number of wives.

So I’m aged 52 and on the first wife. So I’m 52 for 1. My brother is aged 51 and on the second wife, so he is batting on 51 for 2. My mate Kevin has never married, so he is 53 not out. Get it?

The quest we have is to find two things. One, the highest number of wickets and also the quickest fall of wickets. Currently, round here we have Linda the brassy ex barmaid from The Phoenix pub who bats on 55 for 5. And my missus’ mate Alice was on 33 for 3 ( though to be fair, after a disastrous fall of early wickets (24 for 2) , she’s now settled down in the middle order and is batting solidly on 41 for 3). I like her fella (batsman 3), so I’m hoping she doesn’t beat Linda, in the way she was hotly tipped to do a few years ago.

So, can anyone beat the scores of Alice (rapid early wicket fall) or Linda (overall number of wickets taken)?

Ps- I have tried explaining cricketing concepts to my missus, but much like the offside trap (first attempted explanation was in Nirmals in 1989 with bits of poppadum as players and the pickle tray as the ball) I am met with stares over the top of her reading glasses...

Nirmal’s eh? Now that was a place! Excellent in its heyday but gradually got worse and even more expensive. And Nirmal herself...oh dear! What a great big barrel of ghee she was. Used to sit next to me and eat my pappadoms whilst telling me how good their restaurant was. “We are the best aren’t we?”.

Well they were the best once. But as the fading, framed, dated awards, which lined the walls attested, their heyday had passed. And no amount of self-praise, or hiking the prices of the “special” dishes, written on little blackboards on the table (with no price on them), or trying to pressure you into having things you didn’t want, could save them.

 

[nickwr37]

I was 35-1. Now 51-1 and double century chalked up. Stoic batting. But...I have a 33 year old Pole(ish) admirer currently that I go out for a drink, darts, meal with. She likes my Fire stick too. YouTube country and western lol. Option 2 is down the Algarve. I like what I want, when I want and with what lady I want. Selfish maybe. Suits me currently.

 

[Cerberus Blade]

I was 35-1. Now 51-1 and double century chalked up. Stoic batting. But...I have a 33 year old Pole(ish) admirer currently that I go out for a drink, darts, meal with. She likes my Fire stick too. YouTube country and western lol. Option 2 is down the Algarve. I like what I want, when I want and with what lady I want. Selfish maybe. Suits me currently.

You must have a very understanding 1, or a very oblivious 1?

I can relate to "I like what I want, when I want and with what lady I want". That was my mantra for years and it served me very well! But since marriage I had to sacrifice the "with what lady I want" part of it. My other half, Petunia, asked me if I'd ever been unfaithful to her? I can look her in the eye and answer truthfully, "no". And then, knowing my past track record, she asks me why? And I answer: "risk/benefit ratio". She seemed disappointed by that answer. I think she was expecting me to say, "because I love you so much".

 

[fintious maximus]

I’m on 50-2. The first wicket dropped when she decided that she preferred the crease to the stump

 

[nickwr37]

You must have a very understanding 1, or a very oblivious 1?

I can relate to "I like what I want, when I want and with what lady I want". That was my mantra for years and it served me very well! But since marriage I had to sacrifice the "with what lady I want" part of it. My other half, Petunia, asked me if I'd ever been unfaithful to her? I can look her in the eye and answer truthfully, "no". And then, knowing my past track record, she asks me why? And I answer: "risk/benefit ratio". She seemed disappointed by that answer. I think she was expecting me to say, "because I love you so much".

16 years playing the field currently. There is a big field out there too! Last innings was 2 years with a dentist. Holidays were exotic ie Santorini etc. I took her to Albuferia and she wanted to visit a strip club....I know too many people there so that wrecked that 2 years. I am perfectly happy playing the boundary runner. Now, where's my foxy young Pole that went clubbing last night! Lunch on the lawn later methinks with her. Plus she loves my cracked Firestick. Bloody country and western YouTube video's as she's glued on the sofa. I like The Gambler though. Cricket looms soon first for me. Tinnie time

 

[metalblade]

65-2 but having to dodge a lot of bouncers coming at head height lately

 

[Kozzy_is_my_Dad]

 

[Cerberus Blade]

16 years playing the field currently. There is a big field out there too! Last innings was 2 years with a dentist. Holidays were exotic ie Santorini etc. I took her to Albuferia and she wanted to visit a strip club....I know too many people there so that wrecked that 2 years. I am perfectly happy playing the boundary runner. Now, where's my foxy young Pole that went clubbing last night! Lunch on the lawn later methinks with her. Plus she loves my cracked Firestick. Bloody country and western YouTube video's as she's glued on the sofa. I like The Gambler though. Cricket looms soon first for me. Tinnie time

It sounds like the life of Riley mate! How on earth do you pull it off though? The lifestyle that is?

That sounds like the kind of complicated life I used to lead before I got married. I had three girlfriends on the go at one time and it was bloody complicated. I worked in Nottingham during the day and used to pop in and see my Egyptian waitress friend when she got up (which was about 1'o'clock in the afternoon) - and spend a few hours with her. Then I'was seeing another girl from Codnor (of all places) and she'd come up to Chesterfield and park up at J29 then we'd spend a few hours together before she had to head back south before her husband got back from the pub. And then there was my permanent girlfriend who lived in the nurses accommodation in Chesterfield.

I remember one night I'd not planned to see her - I said I was going out with my mates. Then I got a call at about 11pm from her, I'd just got back from a double-shift with the waitress in the afternoon and the girl from Codnor in the evening. She saying to me - "I miss you - come on over". And I said, "I'm a bit tired". But she insisted - so I had to go again for the 3rd time in the space of 12 hours, with 3 different girls. Pity I couldn't have scheduled them all at the same time and just had one sitting - it would have been far more time-efficient and a lot more fun!

Seriously though mate, how on earth do you manage to keep the missus happy and unsuspecting whilst you go off and do that? I think my Petunia would sense something is wrong immediately if I even tried to slip out for a couple of hours with the lass on the bacon counter at the local Co-op!

 

[nickwr37]

It sounds like the life of Riley mate! How on earth do you pull it off though? The lifestyle that is?

That sounds like the kind of complicated life I used to lead before I got married. I had three girlfriends on the go at one time and it was bloody complicated. I worked in Nottingham during the day and used to pop in and see my Egyptian waitress friend when she got up (which was about 1'o'clock in the afternoon) - and spend a few hours with her. Then I'was seeing another girl from Codnor (of all places) and she'd come up to Chesterfield and park up at J29 then we'd spend a few hours together before she had to head back south before her husband got back from the pub. And then there was my permanent girlfriend who lived in the nurses accommodation in Chesterfield.

I remember one night I'd not planned to see her - I said I was going out with my mates. Then I got a call at about 11pm from her, I'd just got back from a double-shift with the waitress in the afternoon and the girl from Codnor in the evening. She saying to me - "I miss you - come on over". And I said, "I'm a bit tired". But she insisted - so I had to go again for the 3rd time in the space of 12 hours, with 3 different girls. Pity I couldn't have scheduled them all at the same time and just had one sitting - it would have been far more time-efficient and a lot more fun!

Seriously though mate, how on earth do you manage to keep the missus happy and unsuspecting whilst you go off and do that? I think my Petunia would sense something is wrong immediately if I even tried to slip out for a couple of hours with the lass on the bacon counter at the local Co-op!

No Mrs since 2003. That's the answer. I can piss 2 off or get caught out whilst fielding as deep mid wicket by one of them. Now, I'm just warming my Pole up to come to my gaff in Goa, Majorda Beach. Great chat up line and I have photo's of the place with me there. Bonus, Poles are Roman Catholic as are Goans and straight across from the main balcony is a fantastic local church that I watched being renovated in 2005. Winner. One other problem, I like Goans and have a couple of ladies there I meet up with. Time to think about this now I've written it down...

 

[Rocketmark66]

I wonder if anyone is close to carrying their bat .
There must be someone who's been wily enough never to get caught out.

 

[torridon]

54 for 1, was looking really comfortable at 53 not out though, one lapse of concentration....

 

[Wapping Blade]

55-2 though the first innings was a short one!

 

[JohnDenver]

Given the batting averages on this thread I’m going to retrain as a divorce lawyer.

 

[Mousey]

34-1. I was moving the scoring along nicely until some sledging started in the early 30s and I crumbled for the first wicket.

 

[Sportbilly /Detroit Blade]

It sounds like the life of Riley mate! How on earth do you pull it off though? The lifestyle that is?

That sounds like the kind of complicated life I used to lead before I got married. I had three girlfriends on the go at one time and it was bloody complicated. I worked in Nottingham during the day and used to pop in and see my Egyptian waitress friend when she got up (which was about 1'o'clock in the afternoon) - and spend a few hours with her. Then I'was seeing another girl from Codnor (of all places) and she'd come up to Chesterfield and park up at J29 then we'd spend a few hours together before she had to head back south before her husband got back from the pub. And then there was my permanent girlfriend who lived in the nurses accommodation in Chesterfield.

I remember one night I'd not planned to see her - I said I was going out with my mates. Then I got a call at about 11pm from her, I'd just got back from a double-shift with the waitress in the afternoon and the girl from Codnor in the evening. She saying to me - "I miss you - come on over". And I said, "I'm a bit tired". But she insisted - so I had to go again for the 3rd time in the space of 12 hours, with 3 different girls. Pity I couldn't have scheduled them all at the same time and just had one sitting - it would have been far more time-efficient and a lot more fun!

Seriously though mate, how on earth do you manage to keep the missus happy and unsuspecting whilst you go off and do that? I think my Petunia would sense something is wrong immediately if I even tried to slip out for a couple of hours with the lass on the bacon counter at the local Co-op!

Three on the go at once....Jesus your dick must have looked like it had had a wrestle with a big roll of sandpaper!

 

[Sportbilly /Detroit Blade]

I was single until my early 40s and used to go out (and I mean everywhere) just to pick up. Cafe, supermarket, bank, anywhere.

I realised so much, such as. A guy in his late 30s and 40s is like gold if has kept himself in decent Nick and has his shit together. A lot of early 20s ladies love much older men....true!

When I used to holiday I would go to weird and exotic locations and see how many shags (no escorts!) I could get.

Always remember doing a trip to Uzbekistan and Kazakhstan, and shagging 8 birds in 16 days........now I have a missus and young kid and miss it but realise I have too much to lose.

Hoping I will lose my libido soon as I am mid 40s and still could go chasing skirt all day!

 

[TommyC]

33-1 seem to be seeing it like a beach ball for now, not getting carried away though still early in the innings

 

[Jinxy1966]

54 for 2 & a good partnership developing. Was 34 for 1 at one point when the 1st one got hooked to cow corner. Played with several different partners for a while after that but nothing more than a bit of casual nurdling in the covers. Current partner keeps me in check now though & if I was to stray too far from the crease I’m sure she wouldn’t hesitate to whip my bails off.

 

[Guesty]

I wonder if anyone is close to carrying their bat .
There must be someone who's been wily enough never to get caught out.

I'm on course for that, 32-0 over here.

Not that it applies to me, but is there a distinction drawn between, say, 40-1 (still married) and 40-1 (divorced once, now single)? Cos they're vastly different things!

 

[JimW1889]

28, no losses. First wicket might be in danger of falling soon after a 5 year opening partnership. Always open to the option of getting a runner in for her, too.

 

[benn5712]

for 6

for 5

Safer at little bighorn. Or was it Trafalgar ? Always get them mixed up.

As Stan Laurel said, “I'm never getting married again. I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and buy her a house.”

 

[nickwr37]

I was single until my early 40s and used to go out (and I mean everywhere) just to pick up. Cafe, supermarket, bank, anywhere.

I realised so much, such as. A guy in his late 30s and 40s is like gold if has kept himself in decent Nick and has his shit together. A lot of early 20s ladies love much older men....true!

When I used to holiday I would go to weird and exotic locations and see how many shags (no escorts!) I could get.

Always remember doing a trip to Uzbekistan and Kazakhstan, and shagging 8 birds in 16 days........now I have a missus and young kid and miss it but realise I have too much to lose.

Hoping I will lose my libido soon as I am mid 40s and still could go chasing skirt all day!

I'm ahead of you in years, quite a bit but libido strong. I always go to a strip club when away. End up meeting a girl for coffee the next day. I'm on beer. Went to Faro last July and my research revealed no establishments of that sort there. Local barman sorted that. Cities sauna. Where there's a will(y) there's a way. Poznan good fun with 2 in the main square. The secret...only take cash and not too much.

 

[Sportbilly /Detroit Blade]

I'm ahead of you in years, quite a bit but libido strong. I always go to a strip club when away. End up meeting a girl for coffee the next day. I'm on beer. Went to Faro last July and my research revealed no establishments of that sort there. Local barman sorted that. Cities sauna. Where there's a will(y) there's a way. Poznan good fun with 2 in the main square. The secret...only take cash and not too much.

Dirty old goat!

 

[blade too long]

Safer at little bighorn. Or was it Trafalgar ? Always get them mixed up.

As Stan Laurel said, “I'm never getting married again. I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and buy her a house.”

Its why I 've got 5 in houses

 

[nickwr37]

Dirty old goat!

Ah but in Albuferia they call me George as in Clooney. Other places, The Greek. Always helps thanks to my parents. It's the alround year tan I have. Last night in my local. 5 questions about my tan including do you have a sunbed! Do I fxxk. My parents are Sheffield born and bred. Maybe too much black pudding when I was young has helped lol!

 

[Sportbilly /Detroit Blade]

Ah but in Albuferia they call me George as in Clooney. Other places, The Greek. Always helps thanks to my parents. It's the alround year tan I have. Last night in my local. 5 questions about my tan including do you have a sunbed! Do I fxxk. My parents are Sheffield born and bred. Maybe too much black pudding when I was young has helped lol!

I get called George too....more like George Formby or George from George and Mildred in my case!

 

[tyke1889]

Hoping I will lose my libido soon as I am mid 40s and still could go chasing skirt all day!

I'm afraid that you won't

 

[Sportbilly /Detroit Blade]

Slidenafil !