Wife cricket

[Canterbury Blade]

Seems my post of yesterday about my wife not quite getting my love for United has prompted a range of replies. Some mention numbers of ex wives and stuff like that. For this, me and my mates have a concept called Wife cricket. I thought it may interest you, it can of course, become husband cricket for The Bladettes out there.

It goes like this, your ‘score’ is a balance between your age and number of wives.

So I’m aged 52 and on the first wife. So I’m 52 for 1. My brother is aged 51 and on the second wife, so he is batting on 51 for 2. My mate Kevin has never married, so he is 53 not out. Get it?

The quest we have is to find two things. One, the highest number of wickets and also the quickest fall of wickets. Currently, round here we have Linda the brassy ex barmaid from The Phoenix pub who bats on 55 for 5. And my missus’ mate Alice was on 33 for 3 ( though to be fair, after a disastrous fall of early wickets (24 for 2) , she’s now settled down in the middle order and is batting solidly on 41 for 3). I like her fella (batsman 3), so I’m hoping she doesn’t beat Linda, in the way she was hotly tipped to do a few years ago.

So, can anyone beat the scores of Alice (rapid early wicket fall) or Linda (overall number of wickets taken)?

Ps- I have tried explaining cricketing concepts to my missus, but much like the offside trap (first attempted explanation was in Nirmals in 1989 with bits of poppadum as players and the pickle tray as the ball) I am met with stares over the top of her reading glasses...

 

[Houston_Blade]

Wrong section

 

[Grecian2000]

Wrong section

Nay Derek,

Stickball is ubiquitous and is a valid topic of conversation in any forum at any time (even if this is a very tenuous link to it).
Anyway, 61 for 2 but the prevailing recent conditions are seemingly playing havoc with the wicket and I'm on a bit of a sticky and Warnie is starting to turn it square.

 

[Northyorksblade]

73 for 1 but dropped twice. (That's 2 dodgy patches recovered from)

 

[Hamburg Blade]

Surely if you're on your first wife you are 52 for 0. As you say, "you like her fella (batsman 3)" but if he's still in, she's not on 41 for 3.
How do runners fit in to this?

 

[Carlton Blade]

38 for 1. If I lose another wicket I'll have taken a blow to the head from some nasty short stuff

 

[Cheesebored]

I once had to run out after a game of wife cricket. A long night of leather on wood was curtailed when the night watchman came in early and I ended up needing a runner. I clearly remember her slips and her box having an effect on my middle stump but was annoyed about her pulling the covers off, that was pushing the boundaries. She was a bit kinky for me and her mentioning a third man made me edge towards the long off but I had to rethink when she told me the pads were off and she was happy to tickle me round the corner. If I recall correctly she had had a fine leg but the other was recklessly slashed over the top of the inside edge which wasn't too appealing. I only saw her once again after that, in the Clubhouse on London rd where she again complemented me on my full length and was surprised to see my beamer parked outside on the square. I thought we'd made a good connection but she disappeared into the crowd where she was dropped by a bloke with a pint in one hand dressed as nun. Owzat for a load of bollocks.

 

[Oreyt]

Something, something, Duckworth-Lewis.

 

[raul]

55 without loss, though I smashed down the stumps ages ago and Hawkeye is taking forever.....

 

[dingledog]

61 for 1, but I'm awaiting a VAR decision.

 

[benn5712]

So, can anyone beat the scores of Alice

Alice! Who the ####,s Alice ?


First.

 

[IOM Blade]

Affair Cricket would be more interesting.

 

[Digs blade]

I once had to run out after a game of wife cricket. A long night of leather on wood was curtailed when the night watchman came in early and I ended up needing a runner. I clearly remember her slips and her box having an effect on my middle stump but was annoyed about her pulling the covers off, that was pushing the boundaries. She was a bit kinky for me and her mentioning a third man made me edge towards the long off but I had to rethink when she told me the pads were off and she was happy to tickle me round the corner. If I recall correctly she had had a fine leg but the other was recklessly slashed over the top of the inside edge which wasn't too appealing. I only saw her once again after that, in the Clubhouse on London rd where she again complemented me on my full length and was surprised to see my beamer parked outside on the square. I thought we'd made a good connection but she disappeared into the crowd where she was dropped by a bloke with a pint in one hand dressed as nun. Owzat for a load of bollocks.

Brilliant

By the way I’m 49 for 2. Hopefully on my way to a half century

 

[Blade for Sale]

42-1 but it sometimes feels like a long attritional Boycott-esque innings.
Oh to be 20 without loss again.........

 

[blade too long]

66 for 6
I like being in the gulley

 

[LondonBlade89]

30 not out. Can feel the first wicket coming along soon though. Pressure is building. The ball is swinging all over the place, slip fielders moving in. I'm penned in.

 

[Canterbury Blade]

66 for 6
I like being in the gulley

Sixty six for six is very impressive.

You now hold the record. For the Wisden almanac would you mind sharing the age and fall of wickets?

Names obviously not needed, however if your first wicket was a Maureen, Betty or Beryl and your last wicket a Kylie, Shantilly or Chardonnay, then you may be in for another prize...!!!

 

[Large Mendonca]

53-1, but i survived a real scare on 23........

 

[Davalon]

47 for 1 but lost plenty of wickets in the second 11

 

[1889]

Sixty six for six is very impressive.

You now hold the record. For the Wisden almanac would you mind sharing the age and fall of wickets?

Names obviously not needed, however if your first wicket was a Maureen, Betty or Beryl and your last wicket a Kylie, Shantilly or Chardonnay, then you may be in for another prize...!!!

How do you expect him to remember that

 

[Paisley Blade]

55 for 1.

There's a joke to be had around ball tracking but it's lunchtime.

 

[Greasy Chap Butty]

Any of these batting for both sides?

 

[Chezzy Blades]

30-2.

After an early run out aged 26 I hurried a new bats woman to the crease 18 months later. She's currently settled and seeing the ball very well (ooh-err), and we're expecting our first baby Blade just in time for next season's European tour.

 

[BigBed]

I was looking forward to a tale of the wife sorting your balls n stump out!??

 

[Deleted member 23679]

42 for 1.

Currently accumulating runs before the fall of the second wicket.

 

[Jon Bon II]

78 for 5 declared.

 

[Rodley]

Absolutely punching with Mrs R. I’ve declared.

 

[Carlton Blade]

30 not out. Can feel the first wicket coming along soon though. Pressure is building. The ball is swinging all over the place, slip fielders moving in. I'm penned in.

Shit or bust mate. Just come down the track and try to leather one over cow corner.

I have no idea what that's an analogy for though

 

[Rodders]

Absolutely punching with Mrs R. I’ve declared.

 

[Rodley]

Mate I look like a stocky Adam Driver. I’ve no option but to tap out!