Sean the Blade
Member
Inside Hillsborough Jobcentre Strafford Shuffled in his seat, his gastric band creaking against the strain, when the middle aged spinster called his name “Ah Mr Strafford, if you’d like to take a couple of seats and sit down”
“Ta doll”
“Now, have you brought evidence of identity?” Strafford scrambled inside his grubby overcoat and produced a yellowed, dog-eared copy of The Sheffield Star, from May.
“What’s this?”
“Evidence of my identity, my picture’s all over the pages, there’s a few quotes as well” Strafford beamed.
“I’m sorry I can’t accept that, have you nothing else?” Strafford turned to the queuing Jobseekers, waifs, strays and neer-do-wells “Hey posse! Can you dogs ID me?”
“Yeah” called one “You’re the fat bastard that took Wednesday down!”
Strafford turned to the clerk “See?”
“So really you’re Ron Atkinson?”
“No! I’m the latest fat bastard to take Wednesday down, here, there’s my driving licence, will that do?”
“That’s fine Mr Strafford, now did you complete your application yourself?”
“No, my nephew did, I have dyslexia”
“Ok, it says your middle name is ‘Strap-On’?”
“Yeah, that’s my gangsta name, cos that’s like what I wanna do wiv my life now! Me and my posse, that’s my nephew, we is like real tight, like bro’s and we hang out togevver”
“And how will that find you work?”
“Well, my nephew he calls me last week and asks if he can come round with his ho’s. I says “yeah dawg” expectin that we is gonna bust some rhymes and partee, if you know what I mean”
“And how will that find you work?”
“Well, he’d brought his HOSE and he washed my wheels man, so it gave me the idea of, like, valet ting cars!”
“So you thinking of starting a business?”
“Yeah man”
“So let us finish checking your form, do you have any savings?”
“I’ve made savings everywhere man, I even get guys to work for free!”
“No I mean money set aside, that you have saved!”
“Hey I didn’t take nuffin outta that club dude, is you dissin me?!”
“I mean money that you have saved up for yourself”
“Oh, nah dude”
“Pensions?”
“No”
“Investments?”
“Not you as well! All I’ve heard for the last twelve months is investment this investment that, don’t you people ever think about everything else, I’ve told you all before this is a long term project and it will come, you just have to be patient, it may take some time” Strafford was turning red, and flecks of foam appeared at the corner of his mouth “but people like you just sit there passing judgement on me, working for free…”
“So you ARE working?”
“No, I was working; for free, now I can’t even do that after I resigned”
“Resigned? Well if that’s the case I’m afraid you’re not entitled to benefit, plus if you worked for free, you’ll have no contributions either. Is there anything else I can help you with?
“Yeah, I saw this gangsta job, can you tell me about it”
“Which one?”
“That one there ‘A Job INNIT’ “
“Sorry Mr Strafford, but that says A Job in I.T. It’ by a company you might have heard of, Plusnet”
“Oh no dude, I can’t”
“Tell you what Mr Strafford, here’s an application for a fast food restaurant, or if that’s too difficult, here’s the number for Ventura, they’ll set anyone on”…
“Ta doll”
“Now, have you brought evidence of identity?” Strafford scrambled inside his grubby overcoat and produced a yellowed, dog-eared copy of The Sheffield Star, from May.
“What’s this?”
“Evidence of my identity, my picture’s all over the pages, there’s a few quotes as well” Strafford beamed.
“I’m sorry I can’t accept that, have you nothing else?” Strafford turned to the queuing Jobseekers, waifs, strays and neer-do-wells “Hey posse! Can you dogs ID me?”
“Yeah” called one “You’re the fat bastard that took Wednesday down!”
Strafford turned to the clerk “See?”
“So really you’re Ron Atkinson?”
“No! I’m the latest fat bastard to take Wednesday down, here, there’s my driving licence, will that do?”
“That’s fine Mr Strafford, now did you complete your application yourself?”
“No, my nephew did, I have dyslexia”
“Ok, it says your middle name is ‘Strap-On’?”
“Yeah, that’s my gangsta name, cos that’s like what I wanna do wiv my life now! Me and my posse, that’s my nephew, we is like real tight, like bro’s and we hang out togevver”
“And how will that find you work?”
“Well, my nephew he calls me last week and asks if he can come round with his ho’s. I says “yeah dawg” expectin that we is gonna bust some rhymes and partee, if you know what I mean”
“And how will that find you work?”
“Well, he’d brought his HOSE and he washed my wheels man, so it gave me the idea of, like, valet ting cars!”
“So you thinking of starting a business?”
“Yeah man”
“So let us finish checking your form, do you have any savings?”
“I’ve made savings everywhere man, I even get guys to work for free!”
“No I mean money set aside, that you have saved!”
“Hey I didn’t take nuffin outta that club dude, is you dissin me?!”
“I mean money that you have saved up for yourself”
“Oh, nah dude”
“Pensions?”
“No”
“Investments?”
“Not you as well! All I’ve heard for the last twelve months is investment this investment that, don’t you people ever think about everything else, I’ve told you all before this is a long term project and it will come, you just have to be patient, it may take some time” Strafford was turning red, and flecks of foam appeared at the corner of his mouth “but people like you just sit there passing judgement on me, working for free…”
“So you ARE working?”
“No, I was working; for free, now I can’t even do that after I resigned”
“Resigned? Well if that’s the case I’m afraid you’re not entitled to benefit, plus if you worked for free, you’ll have no contributions either. Is there anything else I can help you with?
“Yeah, I saw this gangsta job, can you tell me about it”
“Which one?”
“That one there ‘A Job INNIT’ “
“Sorry Mr Strafford, but that says A Job in I.T. It’ by a company you might have heard of, Plusnet”
“Oh no dude, I can’t”
“Tell you what Mr Strafford, here’s an application for a fast food restaurant, or if that’s too difficult, here’s the number for Ventura, they’ll set anyone on”…
