Funny

[Bladesthorpe]

What's the funniest thing you've ever heard whilst playing/watching football, mine was years ago playing in the local Sunday League. It was the first match of the season at the beginning of September and everybody was raring to go, new kit, new balls and the pitch looking great.
We kicked off and after a few minutes several players told the ref that the ball was going down, he picked up the ball and realised it was. He shouted to our secretary/ trainer/ manager for another ball, our secretary said to him it can't be going down it's brand new, quick as a flash the ref said " That's what they said about Titanic mate, now lets have another ball". 22 players laughed their heads off, I just wished I could have a mind as sharp as that.

 

[blademark]

Pig fan on bouncing day as João had just equalised , 'come on Wednesday this lot are shit scared now '.

 

[PeterNdlovu081]

The Holy Grail.

 

[mattbianco1]

Not hilarious but certainly made me laugh ..

We were playing 5 aside a few year back and my brother's having this tussle with one of theirs, anyway ball eventually goes away from them and there's a bit of afters. They start squaring up to each other and it looks like it's about to kick off so me and one of my mates run in to split them up. Just as we get there, their lad goes "fuck off you scrubber". Well that was it, me and my mate just fell about creased up. Then he's like " what the fuck you two laughing at?"...

"Scrubber? Where are we, year 7?"

Then his mates start laughing too and it all kind of just fizzled out.

 

[mattbianco1]

Another one was one of ours was squaring up to another, forehead to forehead and ours goes "your breath fucking stinks by the way".

Made me laugh anyway. In the heat of the moment rather than just push, shove or punch... Your breath fucking stinks

Sometimes words hurt more

 

[sitwell]

Man City had a black goalkeeper called Alex Williams back in the 80s anyway he was wasting time as Man city hung on at the lane ,inciting the crowd ,as he came to fetch a ball from close to john St for a goalkick .He was getting pelters and one of the lads with us got really carried away and started making monkey noises and doing the chimpanzee actions (it was different times). One of the lads said 'Lol what are you fucking doing you're black'. 'I know he says but he got me wound up and I forgot'.

 

[OO 21]

" you're not even a joke Ref, you're a joke's apprentice"

 

[Sheffsteel]

Shouted on the Kop in the late 80’s
‘Arh lass coulda scored that weir tit”

Also found Jordan Stewart genuinely funny.
Remember once he dribbled past his man and sprinted down the wing....the Kop roared with our striker on the back post unmarked.
Then JS would either fall over his own feet or cross it towards the back of the Kop.

He did the odd brilliant thing...then immediately followed it by unbelievable crap...instead of moaning I honestly use to laugh.

 

[Sean Thornton]

Not there but one of the funniest ones I've heard is about the Patrick Thistle winger who was a bit thick, would beat three men then fall over his own feet.

Years ago when it snowed the pitch lines were marked with sawdust ( so the story goes) and playing one day said winger did the usual, jinked down the wing then trod and the ball, fell over and landed on the line. Eventually got up and his hair was full of the sawdust. Someone shouted, "fuck me, his heeds burst open"

 

[Kenilworth]

Man City had a black goalkeeper called Alex Williams back in the 80s anyway he was wasting time as Man city hung on at the lane ,inciting the crowd ,as he came to fetch a ball from close to john St for a goalkick .He was getting pelters and one of the lads with us got really carried away and started making monkey noises and doing the chimpanzee actions (it was different times). One of the lads said 'Lol what are you fucking doing you're black'. 'I know he says but he got me wound up and I forgot'.

Cant remember anyone saying “Lol” in the 80s

 

[Kenilworth]

When the bouncing stopped

 

[sitwell]

Cant remember anyone saying “Lol” in the 80s

Different kind of Lol ,maybe Loll

 

[Sean Thornton]

Not there but one of the funniest ones I've heard is about the Patrick Thistle winger who was a bit thick, would beat three men then fall over his own feet.

Years ago when it snowed the pitch lines were marked with sawdust ( so the story goes) and playing one day said winger did the usual, jinked down the wing then trod and the ball, fell over and landed on the line. Eventually got up and his hair was full of the sawdust. Someone shouted, "fuck me, his heeds burst open"

Partick not Patrick.

 

[derfblade.3]

I was reffing a sunday league game a few years ago and was getting a lot of grief off this thick twat who kept saying "This fuckers giving us nowt" to his team mates After a few more verbals ( i was a bit tollerant because of his low IQ) i eventually yellow carded him only for him to scream out, " Come on lads, it's 12 against 11 here with this cunt". I gave him a red and said to him, " off you go pal, it's 12 against 10 now"! He sauntered off looking a bit bewildered.

 

[HighfieldBlade]

 

[frechyblade]

Playing for South Yorkshire probation service against Merseyside at transport ground. The game went to pens I was in net and it was there first pen when referee (Keith Hackett) turned to centre circle and asked for someone to stand behind goal for when he missed. There pen taker wasn’t happy! We won on pens as we’l.

 

[Houston_Blade]

Played with a mixed race lad at Buxton who had a few league appearances but jobbed around the non-league a lot of his career, I think he manages now. I’d played with him since being 11 and knew him well outside of footy, he was a cheeky sod and loved playing the race card to wind people up.

One of the fans (few sarnies short of a picnic) started telling him to buck his ideas up. Player had a go back and told him to shut it and get behind the team. Fan said “kiss my arse”, player turns around and says “I’ve already got a brown face now fuck off”. We were all in stitches on the pitch and the fan didn’t know what to say.

 

[Niceguyeddie]

Remember playing for a five a side team called isiah
Named after one of the lads girlfriend's having one eye higher than the other

 

[Chapel Allerton]

"You're just a shit John Lundstram" and "You'll never sing that, you'll never sing that! Champions of League One, You'll never sing that".

 

[Tony_Kaufman]

Forest vs West Ham 2010/11

The Forest fans were giving Robert Green some stick after his howler against the USA in the World Cup that summer, singing

"You let your country down."

The Hammers fans immediately retaliated, pointing at Steve McClaren in the Forest dug out, singing

"So did your manager."

 

[blade too long]

being a ref for a decade brought many witty moments
playing on the ground now utds academy once after a bad tackle on a tricky winger
the captain ran to me and said oi ref see that, their black twats just kicked our coloured player

was lost for words

and doing a ladies match doncaster belles v treeton ,
another comment , see that ref shes just kicked her in the clitoris
I had no idea what that was then, only just found one recently

I was thinking of becoming a ref after a bad ankle injury cut short my illustrious career as a hatchet man defender, i use to make vinnny jones look angelic
was ar birley road club and the refs were having a meeting
I met Keith Hackett and said Id half a mind of becoming a ref
He said thats all you need

 

[I should coco]

Man City fans at Upton Park, first game of the season after Tevezgate:

"We should be at Bramall Lane,
We should be at Bramall Lane"

 

[INTERUNITED]

Years ago walking down Bramall Lane there was a rather large lady police officer on horseback. A fan walked past and said "Your horse looks tired love" to which she replied "You'd look tired if you'd been between my legs for 3 hours". Absolutely priceless. Still laugh about it 15 years on!!!

 

[SuperBobbyHatton]

There's only two Andy Goram's,
Two Andy Goram's

 

[CopenhagenBlade]

The Holy Grail.

View attachment 62272

But the funny thing is that you actually ‘liked’ the post when he wrote it and now you’re taking the piss

 

[DifferentClass]

• "Who's up Mary Brown?"- EVERYONE in the 70s after Tommy Docherty was caught shagging the Manure physio's missus
• "We hate Saturdays, we hate Saturdays"- Citeh's response to our "we hate Wednesday" song back when they were fucking shit and we were pumping them
• "Who put the ball in the Watford net? Half the fuckin' team did!"- Citeh fans during the 8-0 hammering of Watford the other week. How times change!
• That video of that lower league German team going through airport customs all dressed as dwarves (with one Snow White) singing the Kolo/Yaya Toure song with actions
• The various pro-SISU songs at Coventry during the 100 point season
• "We're Sheffield United, we're taking the piss"- same season at Chesterfield after coming back from 0-1 at the break to 4-1 by 70 minutes
• "Dad, Gary's farted again and it smells like the seashore". Read this on the Liverpool forum on their own funny things they've overheard at the match thread. What the fuck was he eating?
• Another Liverpool one but not very PC now- opposing fans in the early 90s singing "Who's the scouser in the black?" to which the scallies replied "Johnny Barnes, Johnny Barnes, Johnny Barnes..."
• "You're just the shit in a burger"- Someone on the BLUT at Dean Gerken during the Ipswich match
• "Sit down if you're going down"- Ipswich's reply to our "stand up if you're going up" chant, same match
• "Champions of League One, you'll never sing that"- us to Liverpool. Still laughing

And finally...

• "If you don't fucking bounce... if you don't fucking bounce then you-"

 

[PeterNdlovu081]

But the funny thing is that you actually ‘liked’ the post when he wrote it and now you’re taking the piss

Loads of people liked it sarcastically when the thread was bumped a year later.

 

[Scooter_mcgavin]

Junior football training, playing a five a side game when a randomer runs onto the pitch shouting 'over 'ere, in t'box'.....he was stood inside a cardboard box.

I was pissing myself.

Grown up football, lad on our team gets threatened to have his face re-arranged. His response ' what to look like yours'. He was punched shortly after.

 

[Solihull Blade]

My funniest moment happened one Remembrance Sunday during the one minute silence before a Sunday imperial league game. One of our less aware players asked what the minutes silence was for. When told it was for the recently deceased Tommy Cooper he replied ‘Oh yeah I thought it was’.

 

[Yellarbellyblade]

Can’t remember the refs name but there was a tale about him reffing a game when Warnock was Manager at Scarborough. NW was being his usual self, questioning why the ref was missing things. About half way through the second half there’s a break in play and the ref goes and sits in the Scarborough dugout. NW questions what he’s doing to which the ref replied “ I thought I’d ref the rest of the game from here Neil as apparently you can fucking see everything from here”

Not sure if it’s true or not but I so want it to be!!!