Fibs your Dad told

[pommpey]

I was once on holiday and found myself laid on a sun lounger next to Geoff Salmons, we had a few conversations about Utd but one tale I recall, was about Len Badger, who he claimed often used to be first into training and beneath the changing room.
He said Len Badger used to be the first to get ready, leave the changing room then piss on the boiler which created some rather unpleasant steam which a short time later wafted its way upwards for his teammates, much to the annoyance of John Harris apparently.

One can only imagine Badger's piss.

The colour of Tizer and the viscosity of cooking oil. When it hits that boiler casing, the ammonia kicking off the evaporate would choke to death a fucking fully grown male hippopotamus.

And each piss accompanied by a fifteen second, continuous, sonorous fart, in E flat, courtesy of Wards' Bitter. Ten pints, the neyt before.

pommpey

 

[blade too long]

I stood on the BLLT once, aged about eight or nine and the ref blew up for half time

"Dad", I said. "What to they do at half time? Where do they go?"

"Oh," he said. "For a pint, and a couple of fags."

I had this enduring image in my mind of Woody and Currie sat on stools in a bar in the John Street still in their muddy white-socked Blades kit and boots and Hemsley arriving with three foaming pints of Mansfield, Woody going, "Cheers, Ted!" and taking a hearty swig from the upper third and doing that refreshed 'ahhhh!', with TC sparking up a Parky rough using a box of 'Ship' matches, possibly the sound of dominoes being shuffled in the background at another table.

This was destroyed somewhat with Bassett and French and 'the zone' and later Warnock losing his shit with the players in various vignettes. No beer and tabs seen.

pommpey

They had to run to the Railway club for the reduced prices

 

[blade too long]

Started in the bottom corner of the kop with me dad but moved to the terracing by the tunnel to get away from all the abuse he use to throw at opposing wingers . "Thi wifes shagging milkman whilst that here "

 

[pommpey]

They had to run to the Railway club for the reduced prices

Studs clattering across the pavement down John Street and up Bramall Lane. Eleven pints waiting on the bar top. Jukebox on with 'Chirpy-Chirpy-Cheep-Cheep' on.

"Time for another, Woody?"

"Aye. It's only Roger Kirkpatrick. Gerrem in Geoff!"

Three pints later ... match kicks off at 4:15, TC stubbing a fag out on the bottom of his Adidas before he goes on.

pommpey

 

[Silent Blade]

Before the kick off on Boxing Day 1979

My dad "we will win this!"

Losing 1-0 at half time

My dad "We will still win this!"

Curran 2-0

My dad "we will draw 2-2"

King 3-0

I turned round looking at my dad who then shook his head slowly

Wendy get a penalty

My dad tapped on my shoulder saying "Richardson will save this!"

4-0

 

[Eyeball]

They had to run to the Railway club for the reduced prices

Ah the railway club
What a bastard it was to get in that car park early enough
Great place though
900 year waiting list for membership at those times

 

[cooperblade]

My dad told me Hillsbro was a pig farm. Does that count or not?

 

[pommpey]

My dad told me Hillsbro was a pig farm. Does that count or not?

No. Because your dad is actually correct. It isn't a fib.

pommpey

 

[Whiston Blade]

My dad never really told me any fibs when it came to United. In his eyes we can do no wrong and always tries to see the positives in our shitness. That still continues to this day. Me on the other hand can see how it actually is and will often get into a disagreement with him about many things United.

 

[snb69]

I can remember my dad telling me the foam on the sea was detergent bubbles. I don't think he ever lied to me about the Blades, but we were pretty crap when I became aware of them.

The best parental lies are those that sound plausible, or have a kernel of truth surrounded by creative falsehood. My favourites are

1. Flips flops are so called because of their invetor, a Frenchman called Phillipe Falop
2. You get milk from cows by wringing them like a flannel
3. Llama is a welsh word (because the world's second biggest welsh speaking community is in Patagonia (faact!)), and should be pronounced as the welsh would

 

[Gin&Juice]

When I first started going around 4/5. My dad would say, it’s his job to wave to the referee to blow the final whistle! So in my complete nativity id pull on his coat if we were holding on etc. asking why he hasn’t “waved to the ref”.

 

[Sid1978]

My dad told me it was “normal” at that all families do it but never talk about it...

I’ll get mi coat (again).

 

[Edgar Allan Poo]

That if I ate my carrots I wouldn't ever need glasses as you never see a rabbit wearing glasses. Wrong on both counts Dad...

 

[Red Hot Currie]

"Don't worry son, we'll come back and win 2-1"..... my dear father's unforgivable lie.... fed to me as a young 'un at half time.... December 26th 1979. Those of you old enough will know the game......

 

[Canterbury Blade]

The one’s that the Judge and jury saw through were pretty big, but then I suppose I love your Mother was a bigger one...

 

[Jon Bon II]

Your mother disliked the new patio at the bottom of the garden so much, she walked out and left without even saying goodbye.