Radio Sheffield Football Heaven recruitment policy.
It is the belief of the management of BBC Radio Sheffield that the staffing of said programming should be as follows -
1. Send a Land Rover out to the nearest safari park. Catch and bring back a large primate. Gorilla or Orang Utan preferably, or failing that some dim witted chimp.
2. Shave and toilet train said primate.
3. Send primate on basic language course. Then send on basic microphone recognition course.(Stage Three. Not the Stage One crappy one that Fearne Cotton did.)
4. Outfit said formerly hairy primate, Matalan will do, and let loose in the studio. Call it, say, Seth.
5. Send Land Rover to nearest asylum for the Criminally Insane.
6. Chisel an inmate from the windows, hose it down and drag it in a sack back here. Train it, like the primate, clothe it and call it, for example, Andy.
7. Get some YTS fucktard away from sweeping the car park and subject it to the same treatment as the primate and the loony. This one can be called Paul.
8. Let them all loose in the studio. Six o'clock every night for an hour should do, and let them have a go at away match commentary. Best Give Keith Edwards and that Wednesday idiot some mace, or a big stick.
9. Have special squads armed with cattle-prods on stand-by.
10. Pray they don't get ideas above their station.
11. Get loads more idiots on the show by letting them ring up.
12. Count the cash!