The Pinchy Hoofometer

[KenMcnaughtsNuts]

Is this an officially recognised measurement?

 

[Deadly_D'Jaffo]

Or types of hoof?

Kozluk-hoof: Get ball, close eyes and whack within 5seconds
Maguire-hoof: Control, look up, find a man diagonally and lump it 25 yards infront of him
Jagielka-hoof: The cultured hoofites hoofer, landing within a 10 yard radius of targetman.
Naysmith hoof: Get 20 yards past the halfway line, see to your nose bleed & whip in a deep, swinging crossoof.

 

[brownie4583]

Any pass which is longer than 5 yards and goes forwards rather than sideways or backwards is a hoof to Pinchy
His hero was Ray 'the crab' Wilkins

 

[blade too long]

the official measurement is the hoik, a hoikometer measures between 0 and 9 hoiks

 

[GRUMPY BLADE]

Is this an officially recognised measurement?

Sounds like these

 

[Patrick Suffaux]

the official measurement is the hoik, a hoikometer measures between 0 and 9 hoiks

But remember to divide each unit (a hoik) in the event of assistance before reaching the intended target. These are decimal measurements knows as "elpitons"

 

[kop_blade9]

no its just a figment of somebodies overactive imagination

 

[Pinchy]

But remember to divide each unit (a hoik) in the event of assistance before reaching the intended target. These are decimal measurements knows as "elpitons"

Brilliant. Foxy, give the man 10.37 'likes'.

My favourite Hoof is the "Full Monty". It starts somewhere in your own half, doesn't go within 30 montimetres of a team-mate, and trickles through to the waiting arms of the rather bemused opposition keeper.

 

[alcoblade]

If we measure forward passes in "Hoiks", rather than having negative numbers for backwards passes, we can call them "Weirs".



UTB

 

[brownie4583]

I can't wait to see some 'proper football' now under Mr.Clough

 

[Pinchy]

I can't wait to see some 'proper football' now under Mr.Clough

I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.

Luke 15:7

The Lord will forgive all Hoofers who confess their sins.

 

[brownie4583]

I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance.

Luke 15:7

The Lord will forgive all Hoofers who confess their sins.

I will attend church every other Saturday and see how it goes,but i can't promise owt
I was hoping Reverend Pulis would be taking over and the jury is out for me.

 

[Ted Danson]

Surly Pinchies hoofometer only has 2 measurements though, anything that isnt his perfect tippy tappy football is hoof isnt it? I would of thought as a recognised standard measurement it would need to be a sliding scale with several different degrees of hoof

 

[brownie4583]

Surly Pinchies hoofometer only has 2 measurements though, anything that isnt his perfect tippy tappy football is hoof isnt it? I would of thought as a recognised standard measurement it would need to be a sliding scale with several different degrees of hoof

Phase 1 = 2 yard sideways/backwards pass
Phase 2 = 3 yard sideways/backwards pass
Phase 9=some sort of forwards pass,through ball,cross into the box or similar

 

[alcoblade]

Surly Pinchies hoofometer only has 2 measurements though, anything that isnt his perfect tippy tappy football is hoof isnt it?

Good point. I think Pinchy stats for a game would look like;

100011011100011100111111001001101.

UTB

 

[Pinchy]

I will attend church every other Saturday and see how it goes,but i can't promise owt
I was hoping Reverend Pulis would be taking over and the jury is out for me.

The Conclave, surely?

White smoke in April!

 

[Racy]

I will attend church every other Saturday and see how it goes,but i can't promise owt
I was hoping Reverend Pulis would be taking over and the jury is out for me.

I was hoping Cardinal Beck might be enticed out of retirement

 

[oldblade]

Or types of hoof?

Kozluk-hoof: Get ball, close eyes and whack within 5seconds
Maguire-hoof: Control, look up, find a man diagonally and lump it 25 yards infront of him
Jagielka-hoof: The cultured hoofites hoofer, landing within a 10 yard radius of targetman.
Naysmith hoof: Get 20 yards past the halfway line, see to your nose bleed & whip in a deep, swinging crossoof.

What about the Unsworth diagonal crossfield hoof. Get ball on left side in own half, look up, note right sided midfield player running into space in opposition's half some 50 yards away and send a perfectly weighted hoof on a sixpence for him to run onto.

 

[metalblade]

How many hoik points for a pass that goes out of sight due to the kop roof obscuring the view before landing in the opposition penalty box ???

 

[Jon Bon]

Good point. I think Pinchy stats for a game would look like;

100011011100011100111111001001101.

UTB

Isn't that binary for 'Fuck a copper!'...?

 

[GRUMPY BLADE]

How many hoik points for a pass that goes out of sight due to the kop roof obscuring the view before landing in the opposition penalty box ???

Think that got the full 10/10 when Deane or Agana hooked it in

 

[SandyMcBlade]

Are goalkeeper allowed to enter ?
If so I give you the Long 40yrd out of play on the right hand side goal kick. guarenteed five times in every match

 

[Blackheath Blade]

Or types of hoof?

Kozluk-hoof: Get ball, close eyes and whack within 5seconds
Maguire-hoof: Control, look up, find a man diagonally and lump it 25 yards infront of him
Jagielka-hoof: The cultured hoofites hoofer, landing within a 10 yard radius of targetman.
Naysmith hoof: Get 20 yards past the halfway line, see to your nose bleed & whip in a deep, swinging crossoof.

How about:

Currie - hoof: Take the piss out of opposition midfield - then put the ball on a sixpence with a forty yard pass.
or
The Simmo - hoof: Ask a goalkeeper to take a penalty in North London and land the ball on the fuckin Moon.

 

[brownie4583]

Glenn Hoddle.....40 yard pass/hoof on to players chest,inch perfect.
Paul Stancliffe...60 yard hoof into South Stand Row BB

 

[Silent Blade]

Glenn Hoddle.....40 yard pass/hoof on to players chest,inch perfect.
Paul Stancliffe...60 yard hoof into South Stand Row BB

I remember a cartoon of the old John Street Stand in Flashing Blade. The window at the back of the stand were broken (and not replaced) due to Eddie Colquhoun's clearances which made me laugh. Also a cartoon of Kozluk's typical cross in HTFC World website (Kozluk used to play for Udders) was very funny too

 

[super_pig]

My favourite Hoof is the "Full Monty". It starts somewhere in your own half, doesn't go within 30 montimetres of a team-mate, and trickles through to the waiting arms of the rather bemused opposition keeper.

amen

 

[Damski]

I dunno quite what's going on here, but it's pretty funny to read

 

[Sothall_Blade]

I remember a cartoon of the old John Street Stand in Flashing Blade. The window at the back of the stand were broken (and not replaced) due to Eddie Colquhoun's clearances which made me laugh. Also a cartoon of Kozluk's typical cross in HTFC World website (Kozluk used to play for Udders) was very funny too

This one:-



http://www.htfc-world.com/reports/Sheffutd2/sheffutd170301.htm

 

[brownie4583]

So according to Mr.Clough,"proper football is winning football" as everyone on here(except Pinchy)has been saying.
Will it be sideways/forwards over passing or more direct or a mixture of both?The next 5 games will be very interesting i think.

 

[brownie4583]

The Hoofometer has found to be flawed in recent testing!
If Bob Booker plays a 50 yard forward ball and Agana runs on to slot it away it is hoof.
If Steven Gerrard plays a 50 yard forward ball and Sturridge/Suarez run on to slot it away,or Oscar plays a 50 yard ball and Torres slots it away it does not register!
It has now been found that John Gannon,Bob Booker,Simon Webster,Darren Carr,Paul Stancliffe etc were actually very skillful talented world class players!