Have you ever done a shit at a football ground?

[Rodders]

Had to properly hold one in all through the 2nd half of our game worth Ipswich in April 09. Just made it to the pub in time to unleash hell.

 

[northsomersetblade]

I've snapped one off at most grounds. Mind you, I always carry five or six paper hankies in my back pocket, just in case there's no shitwad or as is in most cases, the supplied allocation is languishing behind the pan on the deck in a lake of fag-ends and piss, or some cunt has emptied or pissed all over the individual dispenser. Crawley was like this. You can't wipe your balloon knot on a programme these days either. Too shiny. (The pages, not my balloon-knot)

Last shit I had at a game was in the BLUT last year. I had to lean forward a bit just to keep the door shut which narrowed my nozzle somewhat and made it come out like dark brown, icing complete with nuts and sprinkles. Seen those Spanish churros? That, but not dipped in sugar, but certainly with ribs up the side.

At the Hudds/Wembley game, we were in that fucking Hades of a boozer (the Green Man?) and the queue for one dunny with ten thousand pissed up, marauding bastards was incredible. This led to me having a critical alarm status on my tea-towel holder and us exiting to find an alternate drop point. There was some sort of Bert-style gentlemen's club nearby which seemed full of Hudds fans and at first they wouldn't let me in. After pleading and explaining I was about to papper my kecks they did and I dashed upstairs, only to find the two traps engaged. Two minutes in and with some agitated, audible sighing and shuffling of feet and one became available and I just managed to get my belt and trousers down and it all fell out, like old boots from a loft hatch. I had to stand on the seat to get it all in. Even the twat next door commented, "Fuck me! That sounded good!" He was right. I felt like I'd run a marathon. Certainly I'd shat about twenty Marathons.

And that's my 'shit-at-football-grounds' experience. You did ask.

The worse place I have ever been was the ABC Bar in Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire, Western Africa in late 1993. It was a single cubicle, no door, facing another female, no-door cubicle opposite for the ladies. On the floor was one of those ridiculous squat pans favoured by them-there continentals. It was brim-full of liquefied shit, the colour of Caramac chocolate and from within, came ominous thick, belching bubbles, making the surface move and pop and smack like molten lava. As I looked in horror, I also noticed the walls were typically and predictably plastered in badly aimed anal hosings and for which today I have no credible explanation, the single, 60W clear-filament lightbulb hanging from bare wires from the ceiling had dried shit on it too. Someone still needs to tell me how you get your geometry aligned to allow your starfish to fire a gout of putrid bowel product upwards with enough velocity for it to catch something seven feet up there above lake cack. You either need to be doing a handstand (which, given the conditions, is ill-advised) or your shithole is like some or other steerable ovipositor. Or someone has just dipped their hand in this toxic sludge and cobbed it at the ceiling in a tribal offering of sorts.

When you see Ewan McGregor go into 'The Worst [TOILET] in Scotland' in Trainspotting, this was 'The Worst [TOILET] in the World'.

No, I didn't take a shit in it in the end. The horror of me lowering my testicles outward and underneath me and the lurking shitmonster I imagined blowing those bubbles made me quickly re-absorb my payload for a later excursion, possibly behind a skip on the way back to the ship.

pommpey

So pommpey, are you going for all 92 grounds? Do you have to take a dump in a teams both old a new grounds if they have changed stadiums? This would be one hell of an achievement if it could be done.

 

[cc1]

I've snapped one off at most grounds. Mind you, I always carry five or six paper hankies in my back pocket, just in case there's no shitwad or as is in most cases, the supplied allocation is languishing behind the pan on the deck in a lake of fag-ends and piss, or some cunt has emptied or pissed all over the individual dispenser. Crawley was like this. You can't wipe your balloon knot on a programme these days either. Too shiny. (The pages, not my balloon-knot)

Last shit I had at a game was in the BLUT last year. I had to lean forward a bit just to keep the door shut which narrowed my nozzle somewhat and made it come out like dark brown, icing complete with nuts and sprinkles. Seen those Spanish churros? That, but not dipped in sugar, but certainly with ribs up the side.

At the Hudds/Wembley game, we were in that fucking Hades of a boozer (the Green Man?) and the queue for one dunny with ten thousand pissed up, marauding bastards was incredible. This led to me having a critical alarm status on my tea-towel holder and us exiting to find an alternate drop point. There was some sort of Bert-style gentlemen's club nearby which seemed full of Hudds fans and at first they wouldn't let me in. After pleading and explaining I was about to papper my kecks they did and I dashed upstairs, only to find the two traps engaged. Two minutes in and with some agitated, audible sighing and shuffling of feet and one became available and I just managed to get my belt and trousers down and it all fell out, like old boots from a loft hatch. I had to stand on the seat to get it all in. Even the twat next door commented, "Fuck me! That sounded good!" He was right. I felt like I'd run a marathon. Certainly I'd shat about twenty Marathons.

And that's my 'shit-at-football-grounds' experience. You did ask.

The worse place I have ever been was the ABC Bar in Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire, Western Africa in late 1993. It was a single cubicle, no door, facing another female, no-door cubicle opposite for the ladies. On the floor was one of those ridiculous squat pans favoured by them-there continentals. It was brim-full of liquefied shit, the colour of Caramac chocolate and from within, came ominous thick, belching bubbles, making the surface move and pop and smack like molten lava. As I looked in horror, I also noticed the walls were typically and predictably plastered in badly aimed anal hosings and for which today I have no credible explanation, the single, 60W clear-filament lightbulb hanging from bare wires from the ceiling had dried shit on it too. Someone still needs to tell me how you get your geometry aligned to allow your starfish to fire a gout of putrid bowel product upwards with enough velocity for it to catch something seven feet up there above lake cack. You either need to be doing a handstand (which, given the conditions, is ill-advised) or your shithole is like some or other steerable ovipositor. Or someone has just dipped their hand in this toxic sludge and cobbed it at the ceiling in a tribal offering of sorts.

When you see Ewan McGregor go into 'The Worst [TOILET] in Scotland' in Trainspotting, this was 'The Worst [TOILET] in the World'.

No, I didn't take a shit in it in the end. The horror of me lowering my testicles outward and underneath me and the lurking shitmonster I imagined blowing those bubbles made me quickly re-absorb my payload for a later excursion, possibly behind a skip on the way back to the ship.

pommpey

Astonishing transcript, that should be published

 

[Professor Yaffle]

Nah but had a shits one game last season and used ones in Clubhouse, by time I got to cricketers I almost shit myself again and the toilets are absolute filth in there, seriously grim. Anyway John Birkhill went in after me and I can only apologise for the stench I left behind.

 

[BarcaBlade]

Popping sausages no doubt.
It always feels a bit strange pissing in those plastic urinals at the back of the terrace in full view of everyone. Added bonus of still being able to watch the match while having a piss.

You can be drinking a beer, having a piss, popping a sausage, smoking whatever takes your fancy, and STILL watching the game (if you happen to have been born with extra hands)

 

[metalblade]

I once dropped my innards in the bogs adjoining the United dressing room I just couldn't hold it any longer so dove in the players bogs (Semi Pro's team talk was interesting I think reading were 2 up after about 10mins) when I came out of the trap Legs of Wood was stood taking a piss at the trough looking like he was going to be sick I think the stench must have made him dizzy for that 1st half.

 

[NorthantsBlade88]

Once I believe, at Cardiff, new stadium thankfully. We played them early on in the season on a Sunday and I’d been at a festival the few days prior. Got in early so wasn’t too bad.

 

[Slacky1889]

Genuinely Had two at Bournemouth last Saturday due to a dodgy stomach, tbf toilets were much better than expected

 

[CarlMcBlade]

The only trouble is the bog roll, it’s like wiping your arse with the toilet roll version of tarmac.

Oh luxury to have bog roll. Always find its opportunity to get rid of the unwanted receipts out yer wallet. Sport Direct are the biggest and best by far.

 

[S64 Blade]

Never in the ground. Wouldn’t dare.

 

[pommpey]

Genuinely Had two at Bournemouth last Saturday due to a dodgy stomach, tbf toilets were much better than expected

They are pretty decent there, TBH. Plenty of room and space enough to turn a high pressure jetwash on them to cleanse the area after the squadrons of apes and baboons have been through on a Saturday. Looking at some of the wreckage left behind at some grounds, it makes me wonder what the tap dancing fuck their own crapper looks like at home.

pommpey

 

[Adiroy]

Anyone remember someone writing 'hello' in their own shit on the walls at wigan away one year? Was a night match when i think they had ellington and roberts so wasnt too long ago!

 

[Blade56]

I once nipped ont pitch when we were playing Pigs and did a quick jobby next to the corner flag but no one noticed.

 

[Birdwell Blade]

As if this thread is still riding high

 

[Bladesman]

I don’t think I have.

That said could we get a list of the best away day bogs to park our breakfast?

I assume Bournemouth are currently in the top ten for facilities?

 

[Blade&Snuff]

I've not had to go at a football ground (thank God) but I have had to go on a plane.

Three hours into a 10 hour flight from India, after 3 weeks of curry and beer I just had to go. Have you ever noticed how thin the walls are on plane toilets, anyway I sat down hoping it would emerge silently and odour free, no such luck, it sounded like a flock of starlings taking off and to say it was musical would be an understatement.

When I finally emerged there was a woman waiting for a cubicle "there you go love" I said holding the door open "it's ok I'll wait for the next one" was her reply.
Can't say I blame her.

 

[JimW1889]

Had one at Hull away last season, was in the ground by half two and the bogs were quite nice for a football ground. Wouldn't dare at the lane, they're usually covered in piss well before kickoff.

 

[Riccardo]

I had a white in a plastic bag at don valley stadium just before the Rolling Stones came on stage , does this count?

Also I nearly , nearly shit myself when we played Chelsea last time in the premiership, only because me got mugged by a group of thugs, does this count?

 

[super_pig]

.. only if we're losing

 

[Hillsboro Blade]

My brother was about seven and he went to the Sheffield Wednesday game at Swillsborough in 1993 with our Grandad. My brother on arrival into the Leppings Lane end then proceeded to have the shits for the full ninety minutes. My Grandad had to clean him up and wipe his arse about a dozen times and saw nothing of the match. Saying that though, some of the fucking shit United have served up over the years this might have been a more pleasurable experience for my Grandad.

 

[GRUMPY BLADE]

Sorry to be ‘my cat is blacker’, but if truth be told I’ve done, amongst others, Sunderland and Gillingham. The latter was horrific. The bog not my produce.
I also did both Swansea and Hull last year, so may be up for The Compass award of most spread out N S E W location for Blades dumps??
West Brom got a visit too. I think 530 kick offs create an issue, especially if I’ve started the day with an early full English in London (double six cafe by Euston highly recommended) and Regency Cade in Westminster is world class) overlaid with about 8 pre match pints of local firewater. Fuckin Sky affecting my life again!
Interestingly, the Spanish are very agricultural in their khazi outlook, Malaga for instance offered only metal bowls, no seat and no loo roll. They learnt their lesson though, when the match brochure wouldn’t flush.
As for Bramall Lane, I just need the family stand and Directors box to complete the set. I doubt either will happen soon...

Invite's in the post.

You'll have to pay for the family stand.

 

[ChipButtyBlade]

Back of Kop.

 

[Th!stledo]

Does a 'touching cloth' moment count as a shit?

 

[JJFearnley]

Had one at Hull away last season, was in the ground by half two and the bogs were quite nice for a football ground. Wouldn't dare at the lane, they're usually covered in piss well before kickoff.

High standard of rugby league graffiti in the Hull toilets too.

 

[cc1]

As if this thread is still riding high

Because it's the best thread ever. EVER.

 

[cc1]

I had a white in a plastic bag at don valley stadium just before the Rolling Stones came on stage , does this count?

Also I nearly , nearly shit myself when we played Chelsea last time in the premiership, only because me got mugged by a group of thugs, does this count?

First one - yes

Second - no

 

[Akinbiyi]

What a thread

 

[cahill]

billy connolly worth a listen

Thats an old un

 

[SW12 to S12 to S18]

I’ve had a shit at many grounds around the country, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. I’ve found the best policy is to go early before the morons who insist on having a piss in the traps instead of the urinals, and never lift the seat, is the best option. Always carry some tissues with you and make sure your kecks don’t drop below your ankles as they will soak up whatever has been left on the floor by the cock shy pissers just mentioned.
From memory the best bogs were at Highbury in one of the stands down the sides of the ground, home fans bogs. This was for the League Cup second leg when we were in the fourth division so it’s a while back but there was soft paper, not Izal, and soap and clean towels, luxury in those days.
Worst was probably Darlington on that special day. One trap, too dark to see much, thankfully, with unknown terrible things lurking in the darkness. No seat of course so it was a balancing act of Olympic standards to squat, shit, wipe my arse and keep my trousers in wearable condition. I flushed the toilet and as my eyes had adjusted slightly to the darkness I saw the bowl filling with water, shite, and paper but luckily subsiding just before it overflowed. As I opened the door I could see what the blockage was caused by, someone had lobbed an empty whisky bottle down the toilet and the rest of the area around the bowl looked like a council tip. Of course, there wasn’t a sink in the ground to wash your hands in, at least these days modern grounds make the effort even if some people don’t know how to use them.
Then there was Millwall away, oh dear.

 

[fintious maximus]

Is it the international break already?