Dear Footballing Gods,
Can I tell you a little story. Having been devastated by attending three previous play off final losses, I declined to attend in 2012 as it was obviously all my fault and you were punishing me. I went and hid away from all possible coverage. This led me to drive my wife to Meadowhell whilst listening to Radio 4. I sat in the car only getting out to assist her loading the boot and as I did so three scrawny teenage pigs passed by in obviously jubilant mood uttering loud snorts of derision to anyone in earshot about another United failure. This hurt me deeply and I still bear the scars.
Would you mind awfully if you got the team to win all the remaining games so I possibly do not have to suffer the same fate? I would be most grateful and would construct and dedicate a shrine or similar monument to you in a place of your choosing. I promise that if you assisted I would not ever seek out and abuse any scrawny teenage pigs by dancing around maniacally at Hillsboro' corner shouting "not so massive now yer filthy tramps". Honest.