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1/2 from today's times: http://www.thetimes.co.uk/edition/t...y-lower-but-i-can-only-blame-myself-w6h2b5xhv
‘I couldn’t go any lower. But I can only blame myself’
Former Everton prodigy Jose Baxter speaks for the first time about his cocaine ban
Baxter is spending his year away from football in his native Liverpool
Jose Baxter was sitting in an executive box at Wembley, reliving the giddy moment he opened the scoring in an FA Cup semi-final in 2014, when the tap on the shoulder came.
He headed nervously back into an FA hearing and was promptly informed that the next time he could kick a football would be June 1, 2017. The sentence for failing a drugs test hit him like a sledgehammer.
“It was like someone had grabbed the inside of my body and pulled it out,” Baxter says. “The chairman of the panel was like, ‘Do you understand that?’ I could hear him speaking, but I couldn’t reply.
“I’ve scored at Wembley for Sheffield United and when I was sitting in one of the boxes waiting, I was looking out on the pitch thinking, ‘I scored here in front of a full house and now I’m back to see if my future is going downhill.’
“It was a horrible feeling. One I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, but something I can only blame myself for.”
That was August and before Baxter can think about resuming his playing career, he has six and a half months of his ban left to serve. He offers no excuses for the situation in which he finds himself, no public mitigation for the test that showed traces of cocaine in his urine, after a night out, when targeted by testers in February and seeks no sympathy.
Baxter knows he cannot. He escaped with a suspended punishment in 2015 after testing positive for ecstasy, a hearing accepting the explanation that his drink had been spiked on that occasion.
Yet his determination not to dwell on the past is a key part of his rehabilitation. Today, like most days, he will head to the Peak Performance gym in Liverpool and work on his fitness with the two, sometimes three, daily sessions that offer a way forward until he can resume his career.
The venue has become a sanctuary that has helped him to fill the void and reintroduced the routine that has been central to his life, even before he became Everton’s youngest ever player, aged 16 and 191 days, against Blackburn Rovers in August 2008. Comparisons with Wayne Rooney duly followed.
“Without the gym I would have been lost,” Baxter, still only 24, says. “I was tending to stay in bed quite a lot, sleeping a lot, not moving out of my room. I found the gym and haven’t been out of it since. It has given me a new lease of life.
“The lads there — Thomas Christian, Thomas Farrell, Clark and Mark — have helped me massively.
“I am not allowed to play any football. I’ve had people say, ‘Come and play Sunday League, shave your head, no one will recognise you.’ I wouldn’t do it, but people would find out and I would get kicked everywhere. It’s about keeping fit now for me.”
There has been a phone call from the Professional Footballers’ Association (PFA) during his time out and Baxter remains in regular contact with the FA, although that is not as it might seem.
“On the first of each month, I phone them to pay £400 off my fine of £4,000 and then phone my bank and say, ‘Can you put that into the Football Association’s account’,” Baxter says.
A zero-tolerance approach to drugs is understandable, but there must surely be some merit in the FA utilising Baxter’s suspension in a positive way. For example, asking him to speak to local schools, warning youngsters about life’s pitfalls. It is something he would be willing to do.
I understand I’m getting a reputation for being a bit of bad egg. I’m not soft
He says that he does not feel shunned by the game, primarily because, having reached a crossroads, only he could decide which route he took. Baxter has opted to work his way back up rather than spiral downwards.
When he left Everton in 2012, it was after rejecting the security of a two-year contract to pursue regular first-team football.
Crystal Palace overlooked him after a trial and he joined Oldham Athletic, in League One, on a fraction of the money he could have earned staying on the periphery at Goodison Park.
“Richard Jobson from the PFA has been in touch,” Baxter says. “You can have a two-hour conversation with them and Sporting Chance, but after that no one can say you won’t go to a pub or you won’t go and have a bet.
“I went to see Sporting Chance before my first hearing and they said they knew I wasn’t a drug user.
“There is only myself who can do this. I have been stupid for putting myself in situations. I will be the first to hold my hands up and say I was ‘silver spooned’ at Everton.
“I didn’t realise what I had and, up until this happened, I didn’t realise how privileged I was. It has made me hungrier and I want it more than ever.
“I understand I’m getting a reputation for being a bit of bad egg. I’m not soft. For any manager looking at me there is a big question mark, but that is up to me to go out there and prove that the past is the past.
“Without Peter McIntosh, my agent, I would be lost — and my girlfriend, Cindy, and my mum and dad. The stress I have put them through, my little sister for example, is hard to take.
“She gets the questions: ‘Why is your brother this? Why is your brother that?’ It’s hard for people to go over to the person in question, so they go to those closest to them.”
It is that harsh reality that motivates Baxter, along with memories of that April day in 2014, when he opened the scoring but Sheffield United lost out to Hull City 5-3 for a place in the FA Cup final.
His contract expired at Bramall Lane in the summer and, understandably, he was not retained. There has been interest from the Championship and League One in the player, whose most recent appearance came in February.
On June 1 in his diary, he has scribbled some notes for when his ban is lifted. “It’s just questions: ‘Where will I be? What will I be doing?’ It helps me focus,” Baxter says.
I’ve had people say, ‘Come and play Sunday League, shave your head, no one will recognise you.’
“At different times, different answers come into my head: I’ll be at a club, wowing people in training and getting people talking about me. ‘You know what, this kid wants it, doesn’t he?’
“I want to play at the top and believe I can. People might laugh, people might say, ‘No chance now’ but that’s down to me. I have ten years ahead of me and I know how the flipside of football works.
“I only have to stay positive. I have been at the bottom of the bottom. The only way is up for me, I couldn’t go any lower from where I was.”
‘I couldn’t go any lower. But I can only blame myself’
Former Everton prodigy Jose Baxter speaks for the first time about his cocaine ban
Baxter is spending his year away from football in his native Liverpool
Jose Baxter was sitting in an executive box at Wembley, reliving the giddy moment he opened the scoring in an FA Cup semi-final in 2014, when the tap on the shoulder came.
He headed nervously back into an FA hearing and was promptly informed that the next time he could kick a football would be June 1, 2017. The sentence for failing a drugs test hit him like a sledgehammer.
“It was like someone had grabbed the inside of my body and pulled it out,” Baxter says. “The chairman of the panel was like, ‘Do you understand that?’ I could hear him speaking, but I couldn’t reply.
“I’ve scored at Wembley for Sheffield United and when I was sitting in one of the boxes waiting, I was looking out on the pitch thinking, ‘I scored here in front of a full house and now I’m back to see if my future is going downhill.’
“It was a horrible feeling. One I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, but something I can only blame myself for.”
That was August and before Baxter can think about resuming his playing career, he has six and a half months of his ban left to serve. He offers no excuses for the situation in which he finds himself, no public mitigation for the test that showed traces of cocaine in his urine, after a night out, when targeted by testers in February and seeks no sympathy.
Baxter knows he cannot. He escaped with a suspended punishment in 2015 after testing positive for ecstasy, a hearing accepting the explanation that his drink had been spiked on that occasion.
Yet his determination not to dwell on the past is a key part of his rehabilitation. Today, like most days, he will head to the Peak Performance gym in Liverpool and work on his fitness with the two, sometimes three, daily sessions that offer a way forward until he can resume his career.
The venue has become a sanctuary that has helped him to fill the void and reintroduced the routine that has been central to his life, even before he became Everton’s youngest ever player, aged 16 and 191 days, against Blackburn Rovers in August 2008. Comparisons with Wayne Rooney duly followed.
“Without the gym I would have been lost,” Baxter, still only 24, says. “I was tending to stay in bed quite a lot, sleeping a lot, not moving out of my room. I found the gym and haven’t been out of it since. It has given me a new lease of life.
“The lads there — Thomas Christian, Thomas Farrell, Clark and Mark — have helped me massively.
“I am not allowed to play any football. I’ve had people say, ‘Come and play Sunday League, shave your head, no one will recognise you.’ I wouldn’t do it, but people would find out and I would get kicked everywhere. It’s about keeping fit now for me.”
There has been a phone call from the Professional Footballers’ Association (PFA) during his time out and Baxter remains in regular contact with the FA, although that is not as it might seem.
“On the first of each month, I phone them to pay £400 off my fine of £4,000 and then phone my bank and say, ‘Can you put that into the Football Association’s account’,” Baxter says.
A zero-tolerance approach to drugs is understandable, but there must surely be some merit in the FA utilising Baxter’s suspension in a positive way. For example, asking him to speak to local schools, warning youngsters about life’s pitfalls. It is something he would be willing to do.
I understand I’m getting a reputation for being a bit of bad egg. I’m not soft
He says that he does not feel shunned by the game, primarily because, having reached a crossroads, only he could decide which route he took. Baxter has opted to work his way back up rather than spiral downwards.
When he left Everton in 2012, it was after rejecting the security of a two-year contract to pursue regular first-team football.
Crystal Palace overlooked him after a trial and he joined Oldham Athletic, in League One, on a fraction of the money he could have earned staying on the periphery at Goodison Park.
“Richard Jobson from the PFA has been in touch,” Baxter says. “You can have a two-hour conversation with them and Sporting Chance, but after that no one can say you won’t go to a pub or you won’t go and have a bet.
“I went to see Sporting Chance before my first hearing and they said they knew I wasn’t a drug user.
“There is only myself who can do this. I have been stupid for putting myself in situations. I will be the first to hold my hands up and say I was ‘silver spooned’ at Everton.
“I didn’t realise what I had and, up until this happened, I didn’t realise how privileged I was. It has made me hungrier and I want it more than ever.
“I understand I’m getting a reputation for being a bit of bad egg. I’m not soft. For any manager looking at me there is a big question mark, but that is up to me to go out there and prove that the past is the past.
“Without Peter McIntosh, my agent, I would be lost — and my girlfriend, Cindy, and my mum and dad. The stress I have put them through, my little sister for example, is hard to take.
“She gets the questions: ‘Why is your brother this? Why is your brother that?’ It’s hard for people to go over to the person in question, so they go to those closest to them.”
It is that harsh reality that motivates Baxter, along with memories of that April day in 2014, when he opened the scoring but Sheffield United lost out to Hull City 5-3 for a place in the FA Cup final.
His contract expired at Bramall Lane in the summer and, understandably, he was not retained. There has been interest from the Championship and League One in the player, whose most recent appearance came in February.
On June 1 in his diary, he has scribbled some notes for when his ban is lifted. “It’s just questions: ‘Where will I be? What will I be doing?’ It helps me focus,” Baxter says.
I’ve had people say, ‘Come and play Sunday League, shave your head, no one will recognise you.’
“At different times, different answers come into my head: I’ll be at a club, wowing people in training and getting people talking about me. ‘You know what, this kid wants it, doesn’t he?’
“I want to play at the top and believe I can. People might laugh, people might say, ‘No chance now’ but that’s down to me. I have ten years ahead of me and I know how the flipside of football works.
“I only have to stay positive. I have been at the bottom of the bottom. The only way is up for me, I couldn’t go any lower from where I was.”
