Sean the Blade
Member
In a shock announcement, Sheffield United have declared Goalkeeper Steve Simonsen’s future secure at Bramall Lane.
Danny Wilson appeared before a waiting press pack keen to agitate further dis-quiet amongst the Blades’ fans.
“Gentlemen, thank you for attending. Steve Simonsen has been a loyal member of the Sheffield United squad, he has never failed to turn up week in, week out to collect his hefty wages. This has been regardless of how badly he has played in the previous seven days. Some players would be ashamed to collect remuneration when they have clearly cost the club dearly, but not Steve. You cannot ignore commitment like that.
Steve has the safety net of a lengthy contract, and it unlikely that anyone will be prepared to make an offer for him whilst he is in his current patch of form. As such he will remain at this club, and he will retain a PROMINENT POSITION at the club.
As we approach the long, dark winter months, the club’s energy bill almost triples. To this end we have purchased a clockwork football launcher which we intend to mount on the roof of the South Stand. We will use it to launch crosses at Steve, who will also be on the South Stand roof. The resulting draught, from Steve flapping at these crosses, should be enough to turn the half dozen wind turbines we have purchased from B & Q.
This should provide us with a limitless supply of renewable energy, cutting our fuel bills, and contributing to Steve’s wages.
Our only concern is that the Football launcher has a clockwork mechanism. We have therefore made enquiries, across the city, about Chris Lines, as Nick Montgomery has recommended him as a wind-up merchant”
Danny Wilson appeared before a waiting press pack keen to agitate further dis-quiet amongst the Blades’ fans.
“Gentlemen, thank you for attending. Steve Simonsen has been a loyal member of the Sheffield United squad, he has never failed to turn up week in, week out to collect his hefty wages. This has been regardless of how badly he has played in the previous seven days. Some players would be ashamed to collect remuneration when they have clearly cost the club dearly, but not Steve. You cannot ignore commitment like that.
Steve has the safety net of a lengthy contract, and it unlikely that anyone will be prepared to make an offer for him whilst he is in his current patch of form. As such he will remain at this club, and he will retain a PROMINENT POSITION at the club.
As we approach the long, dark winter months, the club’s energy bill almost triples. To this end we have purchased a clockwork football launcher which we intend to mount on the roof of the South Stand. We will use it to launch crosses at Steve, who will also be on the South Stand roof. The resulting draught, from Steve flapping at these crosses, should be enough to turn the half dozen wind turbines we have purchased from B & Q.
This should provide us with a limitless supply of renewable energy, cutting our fuel bills, and contributing to Steve’s wages.
Our only concern is that the Football launcher has a clockwork mechanism. We have therefore made enquiries, across the city, about Chris Lines, as Nick Montgomery has recommended him as a wind-up merchant”
