Sean the Blade
Member
“WEIGH ANCHOR MI-HEARTIES!” Yelled Cap’n Strafford as he swung on a rope from the banks of the river Don. His heavy sea-boots landed on the deck of the raft and he dumped a large Hessian sack by the tiller, which gave out a load squeal as it landed. He swung the rope back to the group of youths which sat on the bank, tending their burning stolen car.
“What be in the bag Cap’n?” asked his new faithful boatswain ‘One Eye’ Irvine “Nothin’s in the bag YET One Eye, but this ‘ere” he indicated the sack and Irvine gulped “be a bit of insurance, this is John ‘The Crutch’ Prutch’s daughter Elizabeth, she’s a rare beauty, long white hair and short black curly teeth!”. Strafford turned to his crew “We set sail for Chicago mi-hearties! For a long time now ‘The Crutch’ has been holdin on to a pot-o-gold that’s rightfully ours! Now weigh that anchor!”
After several hours the crewmen turned to Strafford “We just can’t haul the anchor Cap’n, it’s just holding us back, it won’t let go”
“Give me that line boys, I’ll get her moving” Strafford wrapped his considerable frame with the hawser and heaved with all his might. Then suddenly the resistance gave way, and Strafford fell on his ample behind. He stood, and he and the crew traced the line of the rope with their eyes. Suddenly the figure of Dave Allen appeared, through the waves, at the end of the rope, briefly he grimaced at his former employees, then dove back to the deep and resumed his resistance to the raft’s progress. “We need to do something FAST lads, or we’ll be dragged down to Davey Allen’s locker!” An axe whistled past Strafford’s head and severed the hawser, the rope sang as it catapulted backwards, then sank beneath the murky eddies. ‘Seasick’ Nick Parker stood above his commander, axe in hand “Seasick, how many times do I have to tell ye, if there’s any axe work to be done, I’ll do it!” ‘One Eye’ Irvine gulped yet again. Strafford stomped to a corner of the raft and studied his compass and was lost to his thoughts.
As the sun rose, the crew of the ‘Blue Pig’ awoke to find themselves on the River Loxley at Malin Bridge, Strafford was feverishly shouting at them “To your oars men! And row like the Devil was after ye!” Strafford pushed the tiller hard and steered a tight circle to port “Faster men, faster!”. A small whirlpool began to form in the centre of the raft’s circuit “What’s got in to the skipper?” Seasick asked One Eye “I don’t know, it looks like he’s trying to… that’s it, it’s a vortex, a swirling vortex of debt, a swirling vortex of debt we can’t get out of”
“You’ve got it One Eye!” said Strafford “Before you get out of debt, you’ve got to get in to it, now heave ye bilge rats HEAVE!” Seasick and One Eye grabbed the remaining two oars and lent a hand. As the vortex grew deeper and more out of control, dark storm clouds formed above the whirling water, thunder clapped and lightening struck, thousands gathered on ‘the bank’, drawn in by the spinning vortex created by Strafford. Suddenly an apocalyptic lightening strike hit the flooding water, the explosion shook the crowd to their senses, and as the clouds parted there was no sign of Strafford, the crew, or the good raft Blue Pig.
The chilly waters of the Chicago River lapped at Strafford and his crew as they lay unconscious, half in and half out of the water, on the thin sandy beach where the city met the water.
“We did it ship-mates!” Yelled Strafford “we made it to Chicago, One Eye find me a phone book, and look up Club 9, it’ll be under I for INVESTMENT!”
The small party gathered at the office door of Club 9 Investment, Strafford knocked at the door “Let me do all the talking, ok?”
The door swung open, and a balding professional looking man greeted the delegation “HI! You must be Lee, I’m Nick Leeson, I’ll be handling your investment portfolio…”
Six months later, outside the High Court.
“Well that’s that then, relegated, administrated, bankrupted, what are we going to do now?”
“Seasick you’re a pessimist! Now I’ve got a plan, I saw a film the other day, all we need are some air tickets to Italy, five Mini Coopers, a bus and permission from Noel Coward….”
“What be in the bag Cap’n?” asked his new faithful boatswain ‘One Eye’ Irvine “Nothin’s in the bag YET One Eye, but this ‘ere” he indicated the sack and Irvine gulped “be a bit of insurance, this is John ‘The Crutch’ Prutch’s daughter Elizabeth, she’s a rare beauty, long white hair and short black curly teeth!”. Strafford turned to his crew “We set sail for Chicago mi-hearties! For a long time now ‘The Crutch’ has been holdin on to a pot-o-gold that’s rightfully ours! Now weigh that anchor!”
After several hours the crewmen turned to Strafford “We just can’t haul the anchor Cap’n, it’s just holding us back, it won’t let go”
“Give me that line boys, I’ll get her moving” Strafford wrapped his considerable frame with the hawser and heaved with all his might. Then suddenly the resistance gave way, and Strafford fell on his ample behind. He stood, and he and the crew traced the line of the rope with their eyes. Suddenly the figure of Dave Allen appeared, through the waves, at the end of the rope, briefly he grimaced at his former employees, then dove back to the deep and resumed his resistance to the raft’s progress. “We need to do something FAST lads, or we’ll be dragged down to Davey Allen’s locker!” An axe whistled past Strafford’s head and severed the hawser, the rope sang as it catapulted backwards, then sank beneath the murky eddies. ‘Seasick’ Nick Parker stood above his commander, axe in hand “Seasick, how many times do I have to tell ye, if there’s any axe work to be done, I’ll do it!” ‘One Eye’ Irvine gulped yet again. Strafford stomped to a corner of the raft and studied his compass and was lost to his thoughts.
As the sun rose, the crew of the ‘Blue Pig’ awoke to find themselves on the River Loxley at Malin Bridge, Strafford was feverishly shouting at them “To your oars men! And row like the Devil was after ye!” Strafford pushed the tiller hard and steered a tight circle to port “Faster men, faster!”. A small whirlpool began to form in the centre of the raft’s circuit “What’s got in to the skipper?” Seasick asked One Eye “I don’t know, it looks like he’s trying to… that’s it, it’s a vortex, a swirling vortex of debt, a swirling vortex of debt we can’t get out of”
“You’ve got it One Eye!” said Strafford “Before you get out of debt, you’ve got to get in to it, now heave ye bilge rats HEAVE!” Seasick and One Eye grabbed the remaining two oars and lent a hand. As the vortex grew deeper and more out of control, dark storm clouds formed above the whirling water, thunder clapped and lightening struck, thousands gathered on ‘the bank’, drawn in by the spinning vortex created by Strafford. Suddenly an apocalyptic lightening strike hit the flooding water, the explosion shook the crowd to their senses, and as the clouds parted there was no sign of Strafford, the crew, or the good raft Blue Pig.
The chilly waters of the Chicago River lapped at Strafford and his crew as they lay unconscious, half in and half out of the water, on the thin sandy beach where the city met the water.
“We did it ship-mates!” Yelled Strafford “we made it to Chicago, One Eye find me a phone book, and look up Club 9, it’ll be under I for INVESTMENT!”
The small party gathered at the office door of Club 9 Investment, Strafford knocked at the door “Let me do all the talking, ok?”
The door swung open, and a balding professional looking man greeted the delegation “HI! You must be Lee, I’m Nick Leeson, I’ll be handling your investment portfolio…”
Six months later, outside the High Court.
“Well that’s that then, relegated, administrated, bankrupted, what are we going to do now?”
“Seasick you’re a pessimist! Now I’ve got a plan, I saw a film the other day, all we need are some air tickets to Italy, five Mini Coopers, a bus and permission from Noel Coward….”
...yer daft fooker stay off the shandy ! 
