Open letter to Trevor Birch

[Ollessendro]

FAO Trevor Birch

Mr Birch I just wanted to say thank you for your running of the club in recent years and wish you all the best in your next role at PFK. I wonder if we can persuade you to stay on as a strategic consultant whilst you head up the London Corporate Recovery and Insolvency team. I have absolutely no doubt that you will be able to carry out both roles.

There has been some criticism amongst Blades that you have not been worth your hefty salary but I dismiss this. I think that you have been worth every penny of the 700k puns that you have taken off my beautiful football club in the last few years. Living off the legacy of a fortunate Abramovich take over at Chelsea? Oh no no. I have faith in you still Mr. Birch. Never mind the fact that you did not attract a penny of investment in your tenure at Bramall Lane. Sure this was your primary objective, but we all make mistakes. I am sure that you did lots of good stuff behind the scenes.

2009/2010 was a pretty awful season for United (or so we thought) but I do blame any on my favourite former Chief Executive. Even on 400k a year you should not be expected to competently run a club. The short sightedness of relying on loans is something that I can easily forgive because of that smile of yours. Finishing 8th in the division and having one of the highest wage bills may have been seen by many as a warning sign, but Trev we cannot win them all. You learn from your mistakes, but it isn’t a mistake unless you make it once ….. erm I mean 2 or 3 times.

Not making a decision on Blackwell when it counted was not a big deal. Showing no spine or metal on almost half a million a year is not out of character. It was not as if you had given the manager the whole summer to work with his team, dish out new contracts and sign new players. You eventually got the decision right, even if the timing was a little off. Better late than never eh Tricky?
Blame the CEO for short term planning, a rookie manager at the helm and depleted squad? Not me. How on earth where you supposed to have realised we might get a few injuries. Sure it happened the season before. So what were the chances of it happening again? Blimey.

But anyway, when the chips were down you came good. When we chose our fourth manager of the season you stepped in, used your influence and got the right man. We did not need any of that namby pamby, tippy tappy football stuff from O’Driscoll. Plus, have you heard his interviews on radio Shef? He is so dull. We need some up and attempt, in your face. What an appointment that was! I am sure that short sightedness and financial issues did not affect the decision. You totally redeemed yourself in that one.

On paper your time at Bramall Lane seems a bit of nightmare. A relegation despite a high wage bill, no investment, unsustainable wage structures and huge burdens of debt. All this whilst you were pulling in a month what I earn in a year! But we are human beings Trev and we make mistakes some more than others.

I can only hope that I bump into you in London some time and can genuinely show you my gratitude for the great memories you brought to Bramall Lane.

Your sincerely,
Ollessendro.

 

[broomhillblade]

I always wonder about people who write "open letters"

Attention-seekers perhaps?

 

[Darren]

I always wonder about people who write "open letters"

Attention-seekers perhaps?

Ollie, an attention seeker? Never! You'll be telling me next the Pope's Catholic

 

[shorehamview]

Open letters are usually meant to be read by the entire population, with the exception of the addressee.
A kind of plea for attention, if you will.

There is nothing here to convince me otherwise.

 

[SotonBlade]

Stopped reading when he mentioned his salary and how he'd earned it, that was enough sarcasm for me.

 

[MunXy]

i've got to say, 1 point i agree with olle on is id LOVE it, really love it to meet Mr Birch to truely "Thank" him for what he did for OUR once great club.

MunXy

 

[Ollessendro]

An after thought

Trevor, you truly inspire me. Hence I have decided that I should take steps to act like yourself to ensure I have a long, illustrious and wealthy career in business. This year I will strive to fail in all my objectives. Not only will I do this, but I will fail spectacularly and not even come close to achieving any of them. I will feel no guilt as I draw a salary way in excess of what I am doing (nothing). I will keep myself busy doing ‘the little things’ (Birchy style) and even if I get laid off for incompetence, lazyness and apathy I will not be deterred. Perhaps my current company will employ me as a special consultant after terminating my contract and I am sure that other companies will be queuing up to appoint me afterwards.

Rather than promoting positive relationships with stakeholders, embedding the finance function within the business, generating a net profit and ensuring that we go up the small business index (my current objectives) I intend to run the business with a negative profit margin, take us drastically down in the small business index and dish out a bunch of contracts to inappropriate people. By the time that I leave my current position (gross misconduct I am presuming) I will have left the company in a torrid, unsustainable state and set them back several years. I think this will set me up perfectly for my next big contract and new challenge.

 

[super_pig]

goo-on then.. goo-on then :d

 

[Bladesway]

Dear Ollie

You helped pay my wages. Thanks.

Yours,

Trev.

 

[SwissBlade]

Whats the point of this thread?

 

[alcoblade]

Whats the point of this thread?

Perhaps dragging up old news, perhaps a reminder of what a complete and utter fuck up "we" made of our own club. Reminding ourselves not to squander hundred's of thousdnds a year on useless Chief Exec's is perhaps a good start. Most of the rest we don't need reminders of, we see it on a weekly basis.

UTB

 

[Bladesman]

Ah its always good to glance at a joke.

Cant really believe Ollie could be bothered to write it.

 

[judge]

i have a strange compulsion to wipe my ass on my laptop screen .........must resist

 

[Bladesway]

i have a strange compulsion to wipe my ass on my laptop screen .........must resist

Firstly, you said Ass. You live in Liverpool, you are about as American as Chicken Dopiaza. Get a grip. And secondly you want to wipe it on your laptop screen. What the fuck is going on in your head. Beats shitting on a glass coffee table I suppose

 

[judge]

Think ass sounds funnier

 

[Rodley]

Say one thing about Ollie - he's consistent.

 

[Ollessendro]

Turns out I had underestimated my hero Tricky Trev and that he was probably closer to the million mark. Takes my breath away. Think you might just be replacing the photo of Charles Green on my heath. What a guy. Come to think of it that pic of you and McCabe looks much better than Charlie and Mr MacDonald.

Unfortunately my imitation of you has lead to less success. My incompetence has been rewarded with a P45 and UB40, rather than a strategic consultancy role and then another job. I am still waiting for the million from my previous employers for being spectacularly inept in my former role. Perhaps I did not do enough to show them how truly disasterous I was for the firm. I would welcome some tips in person. Perhaps I am not wearing the right suit. Or maybe it is the references from a Russian Oil Tycoon. The lord only knows how you managed to oversee a relegation, 4 managers and a £18m loss and still get a million for it and then find another job ......

Mr Birch. Or is it ok, if I call you Trevor. Or even, Tricky? I salute you.

 

[broomhillblade]

I've encountered a number of 'Tricky Trevs' over the years.

Just how they get away with it is beyond me. Failure is rewarded with payoffs and they cheerfully move on to other organisations to repeat the process, without a second thought.

Maybe they talk a good game - or maybe there's an elite back-scratching club that employs these people.

The rest of us (the majority) have to work our balls off - often to cover the mistakes of the blokes at the top.

 

[DuncDisorderly]

I've encountered a number of 'Tricky Trevs' over the years.

Just how they get away with it is beyond me. Failure is rewarded with payoffs and they cheerfully move on to other organisations to repeat the process, without a second thought.

Maybe they talk a good game - or maybe there's an elite back-scratching club that employs these people.

The rest of us (the majority) have to work our balls off - often to cover the mistakes of the blokes at the top.

I've met them too Broomers, all too often. I knew one salesguy who moved company five times in three years, for progressively higher salaries and better cars, (£25k and a Mondeo to £60k and a 5 Series) except he didn't sell a single system in those three years, not one (expectation would be 6 a year). Then he hung on for more that a year at the last one, again without selling anything. What he had was the right names on his CV at a time when companies were desperate for the skills and experience. (I could kick myself for not getting on the same ladder..!) Ability and actual success didn't seem to be a determining factor at all. A mediocre spell at a top name company will always outbid a good spell at a company you never heard of.

Back to Trev. If someone offered us a job and seemingly twice or three times the rate for doing it, we'd all take the hand off at the elbow. Its hard to blame a guy for taking a salary that the board chose to pay, and I can only presume that being involved in the whole Chelsea investment at a time when McCabe was desperate to try and attract investment himself was the bait they bit on. What better example of attracting inward investment can you think of than Abramovich? Well, its a simple connection although it now looks a bit like Trev was less the master puppeteer and more the guy who got struck by lightening on that deal.

Still whatever the reason, the deal was done and the money is gone. Spilt milk. Ignoring the OP's masturbatery tendencies, we don't see everything that Trev did, the why's and the how's. Maybe the bits we didn't see, the restructuring for example, saved the club from certain doom, who knows? The visible parts weren't terribly impressive...

 

[grafikhaus]

As with you DD and Broomhill, the more you go through life, the more you encounter these chancers who somehow get away with it. I'm convinced that, once you get to a certain level, you get to operate in a way that would be inconceivable in the real world.

Take that UK Border Agency bloke, Brodie Clark. Not only would his previous, lamentable record at HMP Whitmoor have prevented anyone else getting a similar job, ever, he swans off to become Head of UKBA with all the perks that follow. How? Well, don't imagine he'd have to apply for the job, submit a CV and be interviewed like the rest of us. No, one of the 'old boy network' would have had a word along the lines of 'Brodie, old boy, I see the top job at the Borders thingy is going. I'll put a word in for you, old chap.'

And that's how it works - the Peter Principle becomes reality. We're ruled by incompetents at all levels from Government down to United.

Back to Trev. If someone offered us a job and seemingly twice or three times the rate for doing it, we'd all take the hand off at the elbow. Its hard to blame a guy for taking a salary that the board chose to pay

Now that I don't agree with. It must be terrible realising you're not up to the job and are just waiting to be found out. It's why so many football managers don't realise their limitations and take on jobs too big for them (as United know only too well).

And what about the 'old girl network'? Look at the number of 'Dames' we've got. Helen Mirren & Judi Dench (average actresses), Maggie Smith (one-role pony), Tanni Grey-Thompson (ticks the boxes), Kelly Holmes (responsible, with Coe of saddling us with yet more debt). And what about this one? At least she can't be accused of using her feminine wiles to get on...

And, having been promoted to a position waaay beyond their capablities, the plank(s) who gave them the job won't admit they got it wrong.

So that's how it all works. 'They' get on despite the enormous damage they do. Birch is no different.

 

[super_pig]

we have them here at work too.. useless at their job.. get moved sideways to 'project manager'.. end up in charge of the whole job.. as my dad always says.. 'if you're any good at your job you'll never get promoted' (the logic being that you are too good at your job to replace).. it's a british thing

 

[parisblade]

Back to Trev. If someone offered us a job and seemingly twice or three times the rate for doing it, we'd all take the hand off at the elbow. Its hard to blame a guy for taking a salary that the board chose to pay, and I can only presume that being involved in the whole Chelsea investment at a time when McCabe was desperate to try and attract investment himself was the bait they bit on. What better example of attracting inward investment can you think of than Abramovich? Well, its a simple connection although it now looks a bit like Trev was less the master puppeteer and more the guy who got struck by lightening on that deal.

The sooner we bring results-based salaries into the football (at ALL levels) the sooner we may see somebody on the wage bill at BDTBL giving a sh#t. Sorry, having a bad afternoon...

 

[DuncDisorderly]

Now that I don't agree with. It must be terrible realising you're not up to the job and are just waiting to be found out. It's why so many football managers don't realise their limitations and take on jobs too big for them (as United know only too well).

I'm not talking about defrauding an employer, but when i've been headhunted in the past, (as its usually done), then I have thought that they should have done their homework, and know I am suitable for the role. Shame on you if you make me an offer without it. I've never taken a role where I knew I would fail, but I have taken a couple which were a 'step-up'. One I grew into (you can learn and develop and be better for it...) , the other stayed beyond me and ended disappointingly despite a lot of effort to the contrary...

 

[captain pugwash]

we have them here at work too.. useless at their job.. get moved sideways to 'project manager'.. end up in charge of the whole job.. as my dad always says.. 'if you're any good at your job you'll never get promoted' (the logic being that you are too good at your job to replace).. it's a british thing

Not just Britain. I work in Germany for a German multi-national. Company was on the verge of bankruptcy due to deals made in the old boy network. The resultant cost cutting - a few thousand people with mortgages to pay and no salary.

 

[bricktop]

Looks like Birchy is a busy man at Pompey!

 

[blade too long]

people who write open letters are just to tight to buy envelopes

 

[Ollessendro]

nowt as tight as Yorkshire folk btl.

and geez, Brownie is working over time on Ollecsing my previous threads. One of my apprentices making my work easier. Makes a refreshing change from judge following me round like a fart under a blanket.