Man up and show some balls

[Harrisblade]

Goosefat = a pretty industrial, but handy lubricant. Used to be used by vets and surgeons in the old days to access areas within animals generally considered out of bounds

Chimney = colloquial term for the anal vent in most mammals

Matelot Etymology: Opening The Star's webpage is (one would imagine) like being swiftly and brutally anally assaulted with everything pushed at you in an unwelcome and frightening manner, rather than the requested content.

Usually spoken when one has been for a 'two up' prostrate examination or shat something out with such a girth, one has left three 'breather rings' in it.

pommpey

I think I much preferred my original mental image of someone being smeared in goosefat and then pushed up a chimney like a reverse Father Christmas - much less graphic than the intended one

 

[pommpey]

Strange, I've just clicked the link on my phone and read the story with 0 issues whatsoever. I think some people see what they want to see. Especially true amongst football fans!

You obv have all the webspoddery sorted out. Every time I go on there, I can go for a long, satisfying dump before the page sorts itself out and when you scroll, the 'BUY MY SHIT YOU CUNTS!' ads just follow you down the page, followed by a 'Would you like to complete a survey?' pop-up. I wonder how many Bladesfans eager to know Wilder's latest transfer acquisition or team new for this weekend's game actually think 'Yes. That'll be helpful. I'll tell some blood-sucking ad agency what paper I wipe the goosefat from my arse with and give them my personal contact details too so they can bury my life under a fusillade of unwanted marketing jism' rather than swear copiously and just manage not to drop their phone to the deck and crush it to a billion pieces under their Martens.

pommpey

 

[pommpey]

I think I much preferred my original mental image of someone being smeared in goosefat and then pushed up a chimney like a reverse Father Christmas - much less graphic than the intended one

You've never lived Harris

Bend over, son. Bite on this towel.

pommpey

 

[I should coco]

That wasn't on the front page. It was part of a feature where people come with issues that are affecting them and they get help to sort it.

Dear Editor

I have an issue that is affecting me and need your help. My local paper produces clickbait headlines that take you to a site full of celeb tripe and questionnaires that appear all over the place.

It used to be a proper informative local paper.

Can you help? I'd be happy to stand on a verge and have my picture taken if needed.

Yours

Another ex-reader

 

[stringer]

You obv have all the webspoddery sorted out. Every time I go on there, I can go for a long, satisfying dump before the page sorts itself out and when you scroll, the 'BUY MY SHIT YOU CUNTS!' ads just follow you down the page, followed by a 'Would you like to complete a survey?' pop-up. I wonder how many Bladesfans eager to know Wilder's latest transfer acquisition or team new for this weekend's game actually think 'Yes. That'll be helpful. I'll tell some blood-sucking ad agency what paper I wipe the goosefat from my arse with and give them my personal contact details too so they can bury my life under a fusillade of unwanted marketing jism' rather than swear copiously and just manage not to drop their phone to the deck and crush it to a billion pieces under their Martens.

pommpey

No, I just click the link like anyone else. You don't have to give anyone any details. Click 'skip survey' and you have all the transfer stuff and team news without any marketing 'jism'

 

[8lade]

How did reading that article lead you to those two conclusions?

"Sinclair, who has since refuted United’s version of events"

and this one from a linked article
"Sinclair tweeted on Sunday, taking exception to the mini-documentary. He stated of the video: "This footage is one-sided and very misleading. I was approached, but nothing was agreed." In a second tweet, Sinclair added: "I am very happy at Watford and am looking forward to the season. Don't believe everything you read or watch!"

Read more at: http://www.thestar.co.uk/sport/foot...ield-united-s-transfer-deadline-day-1-8735023"

 

[Harrisblade]

Bet it took ages for that bloke to get down on one knee...and twice as ages to get up again.

I know that feeling - and it's not funny!

 

[pommpey]

No, I just click the link like anyone else. You don't have to give anyone any details. Click 'skip survey' and you have all the transfer stuff and team news without any marketing 'jism'

I'd rather not have to click anything Danny. I'd rather the Star tell me the news about United and me to laugh at Wendy Vadge from Brunsmeer and her toast which came out this morning with an image of Chris Morgan burnt into the bread.

pommpey

 

[BigBed]

YES SIR!!!!

 

[pommpey]

Or "a Resident of the Bransholme Estate in Hull was celebrating yesterday after a neighbour actually brought them their Amazon parcel that had been left with them, as opposed to denying it's existence and sticking it on Ebay"

Or "The resident, who'd been wearing the pants for a month, felt a pang of guilt and returned the garment to the original recipient. Unwashed.'

pommpey

 

[pommpey]

No.

I thought it was this week's exclusive as you hadn't got any more sad people staring at their grass strewn verge to put on the front page.

http://www.thestar.co.uk/news/it-s-...ft-by-sheffield-council-contractors-1-8617321

He looks like summats 'gone' down stairs as he got down on one knee. "Last time that 'appened Rita were at t'bowling green in 'erdings Park in 1998. They had ter push it all back in wee-a stick in t'amulance."

Lass behind him is his mum. She's been on t'HRT. Lass in blue was just passing on her way to Lidls, where she works on t'tills. She used to be a bloke, thanose.

pommpey

 

[Knackered Blade]

...remember your agent works for you"

Wilder once again says what we're all thinking:-

http://www.thestar.co.uk/sport/foot...d-remember-your-agent-works-for-you-1-8736820

Sinclair appears to have a different version of events.

http://www.watfordobserver.co.uk/sp...ort_blaming_agent_for_breakdown_of_loan_move/

 

[Bedrock Blade]

"Sinclair, who has since refuted United’s version of events"

and this one from a linked article
"Sinclair tweeted on Sunday, taking exception to the mini-documentary. He stated of the video: "This footage is one-sided and very misleading. I was approached, but nothing was agreed." In a second tweet, Sinclair added: "I am very happy at Watford and am looking forward to the season. Don't believe everything you read or watch!"

Read more at: http://www.thestar.co.uk/sport/foot...ield-united-s-transfer-deadline-day-1-8735023"

Seems to me he's doing a damage limitation thing...as anyone would. I suspect inside though that the lad is seething because his fuck-witted greedy bastard agent has potentially wrecked his career!

 

[stringer]

I'd rather not have to click anything Danny. I'd rather the Star tell me the news about United and me to laugh at Wendy Vadge from Brunsmeer and her toast which came out this morning with an image of Chris Morgan burnt into the bread.

pommpey

And I'd rather be able to pay my mortgage at the end of the month

 

[Bedrock Blade]

I know that feeling - and it's not funny!

As do I.

 

[elgoog44]

I think no matter what level Mr Wilder manages at, he will not change and be the same straightforward chap he is, its so refreshing after some of the managers we have had to have a bloke that just says it as it is.

 

[Ricky]

Full Wilder interview.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p05f4lhg

 

[Harrisblade]

You've never lived Harris

Bend over, son. Bite on this towel.

pommpey

You just make sure you stay in Portsmouth!!!!!!!!

 

[Sean Thornton]

You just make sure you stay in Portsmouth!!!!!!!!

Who is Port?

 

[PeteBlade]

Click the 'answer a question' box. Click 'skip survey'. Done. You'll likely get less surveys in the future. And it's quicker than restarting your phone and then posting here about it

I feel like I was reasonably clear on this... I did all that...and then it crashed my internet explorer...

 

[Sean Thornton]

Two hacks purporting to report news stories ( one of them working for our own beloved local rag) when all they are doing is stating what's been posted on Twitter.

Sadly though, it's the sort of story that cub online digital reporter "Berky Burke" would give up his second breakfast for. Shame you missed it Daz. Want ads desk busy?

 

[pommpey]

And I'd rather be able to pay my mortgage at the end of the month

Y'see, back in the day, when the young whippersnapper from Herdings Shops pushed the Satdi Star through our letterbox and me dad would go and get it in his vest and work trousers, on opening he wasn't knocked off his feet by a barrage of ads and apps bouncing off his bald melon. No. Inside was Keith Strong with the telly stuff, some news about a bin lorry which had mounted the kerb and clipped a bus stop in Southey, an article about Ena Prolapse who'd just retired from t'B&C after fifty years of work on t'knicker counter ("Ah selled some pants once to Tony Christie, thanose"), some little bastards had broke into a garage in Ecclesfield and stole a motorised lawnmower and left it on t'slip road of the southbound jct 33 and after the Births Marriages and Deaths ("Nahden, Elsie," me dad would say. "Norris from t'Baggy's deeyerd. He were only seventy one. Stroke. Funeral's next Tuesday. Ar.") we'd have six or seven pages of bowls, darts, dominoes, more darts, cricket and Tony Pritchett trying to stir up excitement at Mick Speight's cartledge niggle being passed as okay (pic of Mick and his 'tache with the 'club doctor' in his nuthouse white coat) and no adverts. It was a joy. The nearest we got was a quarter pager on page seven from Wigfalls telling us they were doing a special offer on rentals at 10/- a week on a 20" B/W Binatone with automatic channel changing (you still had to tune it in mind)

No 'have you seen what Ivy Tilsley looks like now she's dead?' or 'I lost ten stone in an afternoon with this weird Barnsley Trick' (its 'eat less, move about more, readers')

People still managed to get by. If I and many are not using the website because it's lumpen and bloated with 'advertisement opportunities' don't you think there will be a saturation point - a place where the lines cross on the graph, where it is time to give it a rest and try another strategy? It gets on my tits, so it does. It makes me not care if you pay your mortgage and not go on there (I am sorry to say) and rely on other means of info (like on here)

And its a piggy rag. Everyone knows it.

pommpey

 

[Sean Thornton]

Y'see, back in the day, when the young whippersnapper from Herdings Shops pushed the Satdi Star through our letterbox and me dad would go and get it in his vest and work trousers, on opening he wasn't knocked off his feet by a barrage of ads and apps bouncing off his bald melon. No. Inside was Keith Strong with the telly stuff, some news about a bin lorry which had mounted the kerb and clipped a bus stop in Southey, an article about Ena Prolapse who'd just retired from t'B&C after fifty years of work on t'knicker counter ("Ah selled some pants once to Tony Christie, thanose"), some little bastards had broke into a garage in Ecclesfield and stole a motorised lawnmower and left it on t'slip road of the southbound jct 33 and after the Births Marriages and Deaths ("Nahden, Elsie," me dad would say. "Norris from t'Baggy's deeyerd. He were only seventy one. Stroke. Funeral's next Tuesday. Ar.") we'd have six or seven pages of bowls, darts, dominoes, more darts, cricket and Tony Pritchett trying to stir up excitement at Mick Speight's cartledge niggle being passed as okay (pic of Mick and his 'tache with the 'club doctor' in his nuthouse white coat) and no adverts. It was a joy. The nearest we got was a quarter pager on page seven from Wigfalls telling us they were doing a special offer on rentals at 10/- a week on a 20" B/W Binatone with automatic channel changing (you still had to tune it in mind)

No 'have you seen what Ivy Tilsley looks like now she's dead?' or 'I lost ten stone in an afternoon with this weird Barnsley Trick' (its 'eat less, move about more, readers')

People still managed to get by. If I and many are not using the website because it's lumpen and bloated with 'advertisement opportunities' don't you think there will be a saturation point - a place where the lines cross on the graph, where it is time to give it a rest and try another strategy? It gets on my tits, so it does. It makes me not care if you pay your mortgage and not go on there (I am sorry to say) and rely on other means of info (like on here)

And its a piggy rag. Everyone knows it.

pommpey

You forgot Spot the ball.

Had a near miss once. Next door neighbour won it.

 

[Tyler Durden]

Y'see, back in the day, when the young whippersnapper from Herdings Shops pushed the Satdi Star through our letterbox and me dad would go and get it in his vest and work trousers, on opening he wasn't knocked off his feet by a barrage of ads and apps bouncing off his bald melon. No. Inside was Keith Strong with the telly stuff, some news about a bin lorry which had mounted the kerb and clipped a bus stop in Southey, an article about Ena Prolapse who'd just retired from t'B&C after fifty years of work on t'knicker counter ("Ah selled some pants once to Tony Christie, thanose"), some little bastards had broke into a garage in Ecclesfield and stole a motorised lawnmower and left it on t'slip road of the southbound jct 33 and after the Births Marriages and Deaths ("Nahden, Elsie," me dad would say. "Norris from t'Baggy's deeyerd. He were only seventy one. Stroke. Funeral's next Tuesday. Ar.") we'd have six or seven pages of bowls, darts, dominoes, more darts, cricket and Tony Pritchett trying to stir up excitement at Mick Speight's cartledge niggle being passed as okay (pic of Mick and his 'tache with the 'club doctor' in his nuthouse white coat) and no adverts. It was a joy. The nearest we got was a quarter pager on page seven from Wigfalls telling us they were doing a special offer on rentals at 10/- a week on a 20" B/W Binatone with automatic channel changing (you still had to tune it in mind)

No 'have you seen what Ivy Tilsley looks like now she's dead?' or 'I lost ten stone in an afternoon with this weird Barnsley Trick' (its 'eat less, move about more, readers')

People still managed to get by. If I and many are not using the website because it's lumpen and bloated with 'advertisement opportunities' don't you think there will be a saturation point - a place where the lines cross on the graph, where it is time to give it a rest and try another strategy? It gets on my tits, so it does. It makes me not care if you pay your mortgage and not go on there (I am sorry to say) and rely on other means of info (like on here)

And its a piggy rag. Everyone knows it.

pommpey

Best thing I've read in a long time. Sums it up brilliantly.

 

[LoughboroBlade]

No, I just click the link like anyone else. You don't have to give anyone any details. Click 'skip survey' and you have all the transfer stuff and team news without any marketing 'jism'

It is annoying though. Not nearly as annoying as the Star football app that will chop text off mid sentence in the intro and at the end of articles. Amazed that hasn't been sorted, has been a problem since the app launched ages ago.

 

[pommpey]

You forgot Spot the ball.

Had a near miss once. Next door neighbour won it.

Pixellated 'action shot' of Keith Eddy and David Warboys looking upwards in midfield at what looks like Bramall Lane in a heavy fog. If you track each player's eyelines, 'there' is the ball.

200 'x's in a 1/2" square for 80p

Two weeks later the ball is on top of the distant John Street floodlight pylon with a fucking great arrow on it.

Yeah, right.

pommpey

 

[The Crab]

Pixellated 'action shot' of Keith Eddy and David Warboys looking up at what looks like Bramall Lane in a heavy fog. If you track each player's eyelines, 'there' is the ball.

200 'x's in a 1/2" square for 80p

Two weeks later the ball is on top of the distant John Street floodlight pylon with a fucking great arrow on it.

Yeah, right.

pommpey

My mates Dad won a Renault Clio on Spot The Ball in 1995. Still drives it now and he's 97.

I get what you mean though, the ball was never anywhere near you'd think it to be.

 

[I should coco]

Two weeks later the ball is on top of the distant John Street floodlight pylon with a fucking great arrow on it.

I was at that match and there was definitely no arrow, it was just a normal casey.

Robbing bastards!

 

[pommpey]

My mates Dad won a Renault Clio on Spot The Ball in 1995. Still drives it now and he's 97.

I get what you mean though, the ball was never anywhere near you'd think it to be.

My dad used to do it and put twenty 'there', twenty 'there' and randoms all over the place. He used to do the pools as well. And he'd sit at ten to five and biro in all the results as James Alexander Gordon would read them out.

" ... Queen of the South, nil ... Stirling Albion, five ... "

I'd hear him snort dismissively. He'd obviously had them down as a draw. He wasn't one to watch form.

pommpey

 

[Rodley]

You obv have all the webspoddery sorted out. Every time I go on there, I can go for a long, satisfying dump before the page sorts itself out and when you scroll, the 'BUY MY SHIT YOU CUNTS!' ads just follow you down the page, followed by a 'Would you like to complete a survey?' pop-up. I wonder how many Bladesfans eager to know Wilder's latest transfer acquisition or team new for this weekend's game actually think 'Yes. That'll be helpful. I'll tell some blood-sucking ad agency what paper I wipe the goosefat from my arse with and give them my personal contact details too so they can bury my life under a fusillade of unwanted marketing jism' rather than swear copiously and just manage not to drop their phone to the deck and crush it to a billion pieces under their Martens.

pommpey

Think the survey provides a revenue stream to replace the income lost from people not buying the paper.