England the Blades & Girls

[silver blade]

On a Sunday morning I often lay in bed listening to the wife farting & snoring, my mind wanders back to my youth & the girls I could have had but didn't.
I remember this big big girl saying to me, if you get me pregnant I won't say it was you, what did I do? Run a mile, I was still at school & me & my mates where more interested in the Blades than girls.
My lack of success with the girls was down to lack of confidence, the worry of not being able to perform under pressure, it's the same with the England & Blades teams, we should have won promotion last season & England should have won last night but they didn't.
I'm feeling the pressure right now, a woman, she's getting on a bit but still premiership class has invite me round to her place at midnight & I don't think its for a mug of Horlicks.
I'm not match fit, still recovering from a hernia operation, not that it will matter much to her, she's going to expect me to go the full 90 minuets & I'm not expecting an orange after 45 minuets.
I know I've got to go in there full of confidence, say the right things make the right moves & put in a good performance otherwise the night will be a flop.
Anybody know how long it takes a can of red bull to take effect?

 

[blade too long]

use the magic sponge, put on some embrocation , pucker up and get stuck in ,
all out attack , ,go wide cut inside and shoot

if your lucks in youll score

are you taking a sub to come on if its not going well

 

[stringjunior]

Eh?

 

[Esablade]

Best post EVA!

 

[PeterNdlovu081]

 

[wizadry]

Caffeine takes about 30 mins to take effect so I'd take it about 45 mins before you get in the sack, I hope that helps.

Don't forget one of them triangular tablets as well as the Red bull, I've heard they make you a right stuck up cunt though.

 

[Pierre's PC]

I could...but I feel this is a trap of nefarious construct

 

[metalblade]

On a Sunday morning I often lay in bed listening to the wife farting & snoring, my mind wanders back to my youth & the girls I could have had but didn't.
I remember this big big girl saying to me, if you get me pregnant I won't say it was you, what did I do? Run a mile, I was still at school & me & my mates where more interested in the Blades than girls.
My lack of success with the girls was down to lack of confidence, the worry of not being able to perform under pressure, it's the same with the England & Blades teams, we should have won promotion last season & England should have won last night but they didn't.
I'm feeling the pressure right now, a woman, she's getting on a bit but still premiership class has invite me round to her place at midnight & I don't think its for a mug of Horlicks.
I'm not match fit, still recovering from a hernia operation, not that it will matter much to her, she's going to expect me to go the full 90 minuets & I'm not expecting an orange after 45 minuets.
I know I've got to go in there full of confidence, say the right things make the right moves & put in a good performance otherwise the night will be a flop.
Anybody know how long it takes a can of red bull to take effect?

Do you really think it is a can of Red Bull that she's after ?

 

[SouthEssexBlade]

I'm not match fit, still recovering from a hernia operation, not that it will matter much to her, she's going to expect me to go the full 90 minuets & I'm not expecting an orange after 45 minuets.

That is a hell of a lot of dancing! A bit of fruit and caffeine isn't going to do much. Bandage the feet before you go, full stretching before and an ice bath after to prevent lactic build-up. Is this dance marathon for charity?

 

[Paulus]

Hope your Mrs doesn't know your forum name - You'll need the skills of Harry Redknapp to wangle your way out of that one.

 

[SK10Blade]

She may take pity on you and pull you off at half time!

 

[Woodwardfan]

Tenuous connection to SUFC but as a fellow Blade I suggest you learn techniques which vary the enjoyment for the pair of you. You are taking far too much of the "pressure" to "perform". Your evening is a dedication to you both and all you need to do is identify the areas you can GIVE pleasure, it's not all about you, it's about her pleasure which will give you the satisfaction you are seeking.

 

[Northyorksblade]

Old fashioned I know, but how about telling her to fuck off and try the above advice on the missus.

 

[Canterbury Blade]

On a Sunday morning I often lay in bed listening to the wife farting & snoring, my mind wanders back to my youth & the girls I could have had but didn't.
I remember this big big girl saying to me, if you get me pregnant I won't say it was you, what did I do? Run a mile, I was still at school & me & my mates where more interested in the Blades than girls.
My lack of success with the girls was down to lack of confidence, the worry of not being able to perform under pressure, it's the same with the England & Blades teams, we should have won promotion last season & England should have won last night but they didn't.
I'm feeling the pressure right now, a woman, she's getting on a bit but still premiership class has invite me round to her place at midnight & I don't think its for a mug of Horlicks.
I'm not match fit, still recovering from a hernia operation, not that it will matter much to her, she's going to expect me to go the full 90 minuets & I'm not expecting an orange after 45 minuets.
I know I've got to go in there full of confidence, say the right things make the right moves & put in a good performance otherwise the night will be a flop.
Anybody know how long it takes a can of red bull to take effect?

I would suggest that a can of Red Bull thrown at average velocity by said Missus would probably hurt immediately and then develop further pain depending on where she threw it.

However, I doubt most missuses would settle for just throwing a can of Red Bull. Knives, crockery and your favourite items would be the physical start, followed by throwing you out and then throwing expensive lawsuits at you.

And I suspect that would only be the start of your problems. They can be very vindictive when wronged, can the Missus breed. Tread carefully young padoiun, tread very carefully.... If you want an erection calmer just watch last seasons video highlights, always works better then bromide in the tea!

 

[The Crab]

use the magic sponge, put on some embrocation , pucker up and get stuck in ,
all out attack , ,go wide cut inside and shoot

if your lucks in youll score

are you taking a sub to come on if its not going well

Will he get pulled off at half time?

Sorry SK, you beat me to it.

 

[SouthEssexBlade]

I would suggest that a can of Red Bull thrown at average velocity by said Missus would probably hurt immediately and then develop further pain depending on where she threw it.

However, I doubt most missuses would settle for just throwing a can of Red Bull. Knives, crockery and your favourite items would be the physical start, followed by throwing you out and then throwing expensive lawsuits at you.

And I suspect that would only be the start of your problems. They can be very vindictive when wronged, can the Missus breed. Tread carefully young padoiun, tread very carefully.... If you want an erection calmer just watch last seasons video highlights, always works better then bromide in the tea!

I would approach this like Dean Hammond faced with a 40 yard run. Stop, look around and get some other mug to do it!

 

[Deleted member 875]

On a Sunday morning I often lay in bed listening to the wife farting & snoring, my mind wanders back to my youth & the girls I could have had but didn't.
I remember this big big girl saying to me, if you get me pregnant I won't say it was you, what did I do? Run a mile, I was still at school & me & my mates where more interested in the Blades than girls.
My lack of success with the girls was down to lack of confidence, the worry of not being able to perform under pressure, it's the same with the England & Blades teams, we should have won promotion last season & England should have won last night but they didn't.
I'm feeling the pressure right now, a woman, she's getting on a bit but still premiership class has invite me round to her place at midnight & I don't think its for a mug of Horlicks.
I'm not match fit, still recovering from a hernia operation, not that it will matter much to her, she's going to expect me to go the full 90 minuets & I'm not expecting an orange after 45 minuets.
I know I've got to go in there full of confidence, say the right things make the right moves & put in a good performance otherwise the night will be a flop.
Anybody know how long it takes a can of red bull to take effect?

Dear silver blade

You will find that problems are quite common in the older man but help is available.

I once had a similar problem with a girl during my school days. She wanted me to go to the Cinema on a Saturday afternoon, however I was Blades daft, so I made a positive decision to attend Bramall Lane to witness a Willie Falconer inspired Sheffield United beat Swindon Town 3-1. Instead of buying a cinema ticket, and a full assortment of confectionary and overpriced drinks, I had enough money to watch United win, and then during the evenings proceedings I had enough money to acquire some Thunderbird which I consumed on Burncross Community Centre, and I got some come back as a more desirable female spurned my kind offer to escort her home via a stop off in Burncross Cemetary.

In can be quite a daunting experience for a man in your position getting propositions by an older woman who is Premiership class (could you supply a photograph), I can recall occasion back in 1998 when a less than attractive female who went by the name of Sunderland Becky paid the infamous den of inequity that masqueraded as Caravan 53, Butlins, Skegness, a late night visit after industrial quantities of various alcoholic beverages decided she wanted to make a return visit to see your correspondent. Thankfully on this occasion I had a good friend such as LS26BLADE to divulge that I was not present in the aforementioned caravan, when in reality I was having a finger buffet consisting of Sausage Rolls, Sunny Delight and some Cheesy Wotsits with Hot Dog Doris.

Confidence can be a big problem for men, as the pressure to satisfy can be immense. I've been told that on occasion this can lead you in to situations where you are unable to perform, and stage fright can take hold, this is more frequent when alcohol has been consumed, although a lack of libido can also appear after a gentleman has been relaxing in a certain matter and he has failed to keep his powder dry.

My advice is to try and stay relaxed during proceedings, refrain from consuming too much alcohol before hand, and make sure you relax whilst simultaneously keeping your powder dry in the run up to the event. (SuDokus, Crosswords and watching Songs Of Praise can be considered relaxing activities). Personally I wouldn't advise that you consume Red Bull as it will increase your heart rate, give you a caffeine surge and you could begin to suffer with shakes and fatigue that will take the spark out of the situation and increase your nerves. This should help, but should you suffer from further problems then you should consult your general practitioner who may be able to prescribe some cock drops (medical name - mycoxafloppin) to help you reach and sustain a maximum level of performance.

Kindest Regards

Dr Brownie

 

[LenTednTony]

Silver, afterwards if things don't go according to plan just take the Adkins approach. Tell her you put in a good solid performance when United together. The approach work was fine but you just lacked precision in the box and couldn't finish. Tell her that if you both keep working on it, it will eventually come.