Funny Matchday Stories

[Snowman]

Grimsby Town away Feb 2002:

Our van skidded on ice and hit a roundabout, knackering the front end.

We eventually got to Cleethorpes and decided to have a kickabout on the beach. Then a patient at a nearby residential home came and joined us, he was mad as a box of frogs and shouted racist jokes at the top of his voice whilst we tried to make it look like he wasn't with us. He then fell over and had an asthma attack so we had to call an ambulance.

Got inside the ground, which was fucking freezing so I got a Bovril to warm up.I was sat supping my drink and reading the programme just before kick off when Paul Peschisolido's stray practice shot whacked my hand, which dislocated my middle finger and also caused me to spill red hot Bovril on my bollocks.
I had to snap my finger back into place, in the freezing cold, whilst already in agony from the scalded scrotum situation.

We dominated the game but ended up losing 1-0, and at the end of the match there were scuffles in the away end between pro and anti Warnock fans.

Hung around in Cleethorpes for a bit, bought some chips, dropped them two minutes later when I slipped and fell on my arse.

Then three lads in our group started scrapping outside the arcade with some locals and the coppers told us to fuck off home. Which I thought was an excellent idea.

I'm never going back.[/QUOTE



That was the strange thing about Grimsby. You had to go to Cleethorpes to find some fish and chips. Something I have never forgotten nor understood.

 

[Snowman]

I give up trying to work this quote system.

 

[DiggerBlade]

Wagging school back in the 70's me and some mates decided to visit the old Ball Inn training ground to see the players training. As we walked sheepishly up the driveway we could see all the players stood listening to manager Jimmy Sirrel who was moving around talking tactics. As we drew nearer the edge of the pitch Jimmy Sirrel glanced us and stopped his instruction and immediately headed straight for us shouting you shouldn't be up here it's private property so turn around and F**K OFF.

As we casually started walking back towards the wooden gate Sirrel again shouted " Go on, F**K OFF ". At that point one of my mates shouted back... " YOU F**K OFF YOU UGLY C**T " at which point all the players on the pitch let out this big roar of hysterical laughter some of whom were doubled up as Sirrel legged it after us.

 

[Tyler Durden]

I give up trying to work this quote system.

Click the reply button instead of the quote one. It'll quote the selected post anyway.

 

[Elsecar_Blade]

My funniest away day was at Oxford in the absolute pissing rain - about 1998 ish, I think. We won 2-0.

We'd had an eventful trip down. We hit Oxford about 12:30 and then had the bright idea of parking and riding into Oxford. We got into the ground at 3:05, piss wet through.

However, as we ran to the ground, there was another fella in a similar boat to us. To be fair, he was only a year older than me but we were at different levels of development. He was 6'2", had a beard and a gruff voice. I was 5'6", still had my boyish good looks and my voice was still shaky to say the least. Even though I was technically 17, it wasn't much of a stretch for my Dad to pay me in as an U16 still. No questions asked. Then this fella, Mick was his name, who was a year older anyway must have thought that if we could get away with it, he could. He asked for a junior ticket and the turnstile fella just laughed in his face.

It was funny to me anyway!

 

[SB_90]

Kind of got a few but as someone has said before it is "had to be there" moments most of them. & these are just off top of my head

In 2003 liverpool SF I missed the tonge 1st goal because I went to the toilet & when the roar went up I nearly broke my ankle slipping on wet toilet roll on floor sprinting out hoping for replay

Ive got a couple for Huddersfield play off final. About 5 of family all going to Wembley but on 2 separate coaches I got to bramall lane where ours was departing plenty of time & closer it got to 6am I was wondering were my auntie & so my dad rings her & you hear down the phone S*** GET UP (name hidden) WERE LATE & apparently they drove like yhey were in the WRC take the next bridge so fast they got air & made with secs to spare as the woman in charge delay it by 5 mins

we were like 99% of fans out the exit very rapidly after simionson penalty & as I got on the coach with all the people id known for yrs as I saw all the depressed faces thought it might be funny to say. No one play any lana del rey 1 song might tip the driver over the edge

Also chants on paddy kenny return after drugs ban/ traitor move to qpr were hilarious never laughed so much at a football game none of repeatable of course

 

[x111Josh]

Funniest memory I have is when we were all locked in the ground after the Leeds game (we smashed them 4-0 if memory serves hillarious in its own right) we were in so long that the players had come back out to do a post match warm down and with the fans all singing "lets all have a party" Kozzy started busting some moves whilst supposingly warming down....

Was at that game too and reading this thread took me straight back there, waiting almost an hour to leave the ground but we were having such a party it only felt like 5 minutes, good times. My throat wasn't right for a month.

 

[OllyBlade]

Grimsby Town away Feb 2002:

Our van skidded on ice and hit a roundabout, knackering the front end.

We eventually got to Cleethorpes and decided to have a kickabout on the beach. Then a patient at a nearby residential home came and joined us, he was mad as a box of frogs and shouted racist jokes at the top of his voice whilst we tried to make it look like he wasn't with us. He then fell over and had an asthma attack so we had to call an ambulance.

Got inside the ground, which was fucking freezing so I got a Bovril to warm up.I was sat supping my drink and reading the programme just before kick off when Paul Peschisolido's stray practice shot whacked my hand, which dislocated my middle finger and also caused me to spill red hot Bovril on my bollocks.
I had to snap my finger back into place, in the freezing cold, whilst already in agony from the scalded scrotum situation.

We dominated the game but ended up losing 1-0, and at the end of the match there were scuffles in the away end between pro and anti Warnock fans.

Hung around in Cleethorpes for a bit, bought some chips, dropped them two minutes later when I slipped and fell on my arse.

Then three lads in our group started scrapping outside the arcade with some locals and the coppers told us to fuck off home. Which I thought was an excellent idea.

I'm never going back.

This is beautiful.

 

[andybrizz]

Rochdale at home just before Christmas last year, the ref did himself a mischief and a bizarre tannoy announcement came over asking if there was a qualified ref in the ground (to be 4th official), one of the blokes in the group near us, dry as you like says 'If they cant find anyone will one of the player's Dads have to do it?' Funny as fuck at the time ..... you had to be there !!

 

[Dkc]

Waiting for the tube to Wembley, on an outdoor platform. One Blades fan lights up a massive spliff. The train arrives and he gets on without putting out the spliff. He allows the sliding doors to close on it so the burning end is outside the carriage, but the roach end is inside. Everyone queues up for "hands-free" puffs.

 

[coaxingstar71]

This is not so much funny as tragic...

I was very excited around October 1984 as I prepared to go to my first away game, aged 12, with some friends of the family. Hull away at Boothferry Park. It was absolutely peeing it down all day and the journey on the M62 was quite hazardous and very busy as you can imagine. Finally got to Hull and we parked up and we ran to the ground as the traffic had made us late. Ground was packed (about 17,000 I think) and we found on arrival that we'd missed 2 goals and it was 1-1. This was the days before barriers and at one point, the Blades got a corner and I was lifted by the movement of the crowd from the back right down to the front, which was quite frightening as a 12 year old. We then decided it would be safer to stand on the open terrace but in the torrential rain. Rest of the game was awful and with about 10 minutes to play, we decided we'd had enough. Just got down as far as the turnstiles and a big roar went up as Hull had scored to make it 2-1. By the time we got back to the car, it had finished 4-1 and we'd got piss wet through and not seen a goal.

 

[wesleysnipesmen]

I remember one of the ball boys going flat on his arse fetching a ball off the pitch in the last prem season, not a clue who against!

 

[Shalalalafenoughty]

I posted this true story ages back on a thread about the 1971 promotion side:

"I remember Dearden getting stick from sections of the crowd for falling over without being tripped whenever his cartilage popped out
Some wags who stood near me on the Kop christened him "Pinocchio" because of his slightly jerky running style. One day, he did his "falling over without being tripped " thing and one of the group uttered the immortal words: "F***ing hell, someone's cut his strings."

 

[Keef Chedwyn]

I trod in dog shit near the Plymouth ground. We drew 0-0. It was wank.

 

[Sheff de party]

Then three lads in our group started scrapping outside the arcade with some locals and the coppers told us to fuck off home. Which I thought was an excellent idea.

I thought you weren't supposed to talk about that...

 

[Deleted member 875]

Too many to mention over the years, generally all alcohol fuelled as well.

 

[Sean Thornton]

Rochdale at home just before Christmas last year, the ref did himself a mischief and a bizarre tannoy announcement came over asking if there was a qualified ref in the ground (to be 4th official), one of the blokes in the group near us, dry as you like says 'If they cant find anyone will one of the player's Dads have to do it?' Funny as fuck at the time ..... you had to be there !!

Gary Sinclair said, over the tannoy, immediately after the initial announcement,
" anyone with a season ticket"

 

[SB_90]

Cant believe I forgotten about bury away either last yr or 2 yrs ago when I posted earlier the whole away fans chanting "hes got a lampshade on head" chanting was fantastic & even better when blades fans found him on twitter to continue giving him stick

Also as we know south stand car park is quite a slope & I remember Gary Sinclair during a game doing his announcements over tannoy & saying something like (cant remember word for word as was around a decade ago id guess) can the owner of the car reg ... parked in ... bay please see nearest steward as its rolled down the car park

 

[coaxingstar71]

I remember going to the Lane to a game, must have been around 1995 and I think the opposition was Swindon. Anyway there were about 5 minutes to go and I think it was 2-2 with the Blades chasing a winner. We'd been camped in their half and one of their defenders cleared it right down the pitch and it headed towards the corner. Paul Beesley was running to keep it in play when one of the ball boys ran on the pitch and kicked the ball to him! Beesley went mental at this kid as it meant a drop ball on that spot. Poor lad must have got it in his head that the ball had gone dead.

 

[coaxingstar71]

I also recall going to see us play Torquay at the Lane in probably March or April 1982. We won the game 4-1 with all four of our goals being scored in 5 minutes before half time. However, in the programme, their 'star player' was supposedly the number 7. He did nothing all game until he tried to challenge Waugh for a high ball, Waugh plucked the ball out of the air and their number 7 smashed into the post and knocked himself out.

 

[ilovesufc]

On the way to an away match at Bolton, loads of Blades had got to Bolton early to booze instead of going straight to the ground. So at the station there's loads of Blades waiting on the platform to go off to the ground. Across on the other platform there was an blonde haired lanky fella, who unfortunately for him looked uncannily (well we were a bit drunk by then), like Chesney Hawkes. The entire platform of Blades decided to launch into a superb rendition of "I am the one & only" whilst pointing at this poor bloke, this went on for about 20 minutes, interspersed with the odd shout of "show us yer mole Chesney" and a few wolf whistles. Pretty funny at the time & to give the poor bloke credit he stuck it out. We're a funny bunch aren't we?!

 

[I should coco]

Late 90,s when Steve-'I'm-no-quitter' Bruce was our player manager. He wasn't very popular or at that stage, or very good, but he kept picking himself.

In a home game he was on a yellow and went in for a dodgy challenge. Half the Kop immediately chanted 'Off, off, off!'

You had to be there.......

ISC

 

[BornOnShorehamStreet]

I give up trying to work this quote system.

Press Quote on the message you are quoting, scroll to the bottom of the page where you will see your reply dialogue box.

It has a grey button that says Insert Quotes - click it - and then another dialogue box opens with a red button saying Insert Messages (in case you are quoting more than one post).
Click that and then write response underneath

Job done

Easy when you know how

 

[Woodwardfan]

Reserve match 1950's, our friend Herbert ranting at a referee as he left the pitch at the final whistle, hanging on the netting forming the players' tunnel he lost his false teeth which fell inside the netting "tunnel". Linesman picked them up, dusted them down and handed them back to Herbert who popped them back in and carried on his rant. That's passion!!

 

[BornOnShorehamStreet]

Too many to mention over the years, generally all alcohol fuelled as well.

First Damp Squib Award of the season goes to brownie

 

[Tezza1889]

There are lots of stories and most of them unprintable and not pc...

Some days we were in tears the whole day..... but a tame one....

Southend away, can't remember..

Leaving mulberry at silly o clock after agreeing to fill the bus the night before, a marajuana pick me up was needed on the way dahhn saarf...

Poor old driver who clearly realised he'd picked the wrong ones up decided to make the best of it and realising he'd have to bring us back home was very jovial and joined in the ensuing banter and by now chaotic shit that was going on behind him, copies of the sun featuring wendy pics were set ablaze and quickly put out but now now the smoke and weed fog had made it so he couldn't see and he opened the window, this rush of air blew all the burnt paper all over the inside of the bus..

Covered in what looked like volcanic ash and now in southend we set about finding a pub, on asking a local where the pubs were, he replied pahhhhbbs.....

Think some we wee came out of us all, he looked perplexed, as we fell about laughing at his reply... people stopped and looked as we fell about laughing at the lad for saying pub in his southern accent...

Then onto the pub he directed us to, this ended up being a strip bar featuring the whole collection of crazies the south coast had to offer all inside one dirty shit hole of a bar charging £4 a bottle back then, so over comes the stripper with her pint glass and in goes the pounds shortly we are greeted with the most uninspiring strip show displaying a vagina that only slightly looked more tired and wasted than we did, and that's was going some..

Think we won 2-1 and collymore played for them at the time..

On the way home the driver pulled over on the laybye when we needed a piss and was gonna drive off, instead he just did about 120mph up the hard shoulder most of the way home.... he must have been high as a kite..

He never took us again.... happy days...

 

[Coily]

I also recall going to see us play Torquay at the Lane in probably March or April 1982. We won the game 4-1 with all four of our goals being scored in 5 minutes before half time. However, in the programme, their 'star player' was supposedly the number 7. He did nothing all game until he tried to challenge Waugh for a high ball, Waugh plucked the ball out of the air and their number 7 smashed into the post and knocked himself out.

Cheers for this, I've always remembered a player in yellow sparking himself out on the post in the 81/82 season, but couldn't be sure who is was against.

 

[Northyorksblade]

Cant believe I forgotten about bury away either last yr or 2 yrs ago when I posted earlier the whole away fans chanting "hes got a lampshade on head" chanting was fantastic & even better when blades fans found him on twitter to continue giving him stick

Also as we know south stand car park is quite a slope & I remember Gary Sinclair during a game doing his announcements over tannoy & saying something like (cant remember word for word as was around a decade ago id guess) can the owner of the car reg ... parked in ... bay please see nearest steward as its rolled down the car park

We were sitting quite near the unfortunate lamp shade lad. His reactions were as funny as the chant. Very funny!

 

[Tezza1889]

That game.......

Were in sk2 under the home fans, And there's coins flying at us, kids are picking the ten bobs up and leaving the twos, bloke walks by the chicken wire fence which seperates us and leicester fans with a hot pie..it was..!!

Home fan spits on the blade and gets spit on the pie, so quick as a flash blade throws pie at him, the pie splits open on the wire and covers lads face in hot gravy....that hurt...priceless...


Same day, blade says to another blade, if we win this I'll suck your cock..deano scores, and bloke puts mates cock in mouth... they were bladdered..btw..

True..sorry...

 

[HighfieldBlade]

Blades v Newcastle FA Cup semi-final at Old Trafford.
A couple of Blades lasses were outside the ground before the game handing out free red and white balloons. They asked one bloke who had 3 young kids with him if he wanted some balloons. "Balloons?" he said jokingly "Too late to give me balloons, love. I've got 3 kids now. Should've asked me 5 years ago."