My final word on the subject (well, until the pub opens...)
DRAFT BID FOR SHEFFIELD
By 2030, it will be 64 years since England hosted the FIFA Infantino World Cup. Here we outline our reasons why Sheffield (‘The Home of Football’) should be considered as a regional host city.
Background
Sheffield is a middling city in the north of England. Badly damaged in World War 2, the destruction was completed by the likes of Betts, Blunkett, Ashton, Hattersley and – more recently – ‘Sir’ Bob Kerslake. It is home to two soccer teams – Chansiri Wednesday and Sheffield United. The latter has a modern, well-maintained stadium in the heart of the city, close to the Chinese Quarter, hotels and railway station. It really doesn’t need any further help from us.
Whereas Chansiri Stadium (
not to be confused with Hillsborough Stadium, scene of the worst carnage in English football where 96 supporters died in 1989, no siree, Bob) is one of those deprived causes that FIFA is always receptive to. As well as brown paper envelopes. Embarking on a programme of modernisation, every available space has been given over to the worship of Chairman Chansiri (also known as Kim Wrong ‘Un). This has left no money for trivialities such as preventing parts of the ground falling off, the pitch being routinely flooded and the Chansiri Leppings Lane end (not to be confused with
the Leppings Lane end) being covered with tarpaulin. A bold, imaginative attempt to get the Chansiri Owls promoted by ‘investing’ money on elderly, injury-prone players narrowly failed and the cruel, vindictive authorities chose to punish the Chansiri Owls simply for spending money they couldn’t afford. This is why we believe that Chansiri Wednesday should be showered by FIFAs benevolence.
Transport Links
Chansiri Stadium is well served by a bespoke spur of Supertram purely designed to ensure easy passage from Sheffield centre to Chansiri Stadium. It has proved its ability to handle large crowds when, in September 2017, 2500 away fans were denied access to a local ‘derby’ match on Health & Safety grounds.
An alternative means of transport is D Taxis. Bookings are now being taken for 2030.
Security
The local militia – SYPD – have great experience of (mis)handling trouble at major soccer matches. They adopt a ‘hands off’ approach to potential flashpoints (allowing Millwall fans to loot the Spar on Bramall Lane in 2018 as a good example, a ‘business model’ since replicated by another force at
Thwaites Brewery, Blackburn). Found totally blameless for the 1989 disaster, SYPD have also finessed a ‘scapegoat’ tactic. Should extra resources be needed for major matches, an innovative scheme called the ROSSER (‘Reciprocal Overtime Scam’) means their friends in Durham Constabulary are always willing to attend.
In the (extremely unlikely) event of major unrest, PCSOs and traffic wardens may be drafted in, but
not those brave serving police officers currently in Kos looking for Ben Needham who disappeared 27 years ago (‘Operation Jolly’).
Local Media
Sheffield is served with a local newspaper (for local people), The Sheffield Star, home of the ‘Save Our Owls’ campaign. When not tirelessly engaged in such bias, The Star makes sure that it covers local stories of vital importance.
Local resident (and part-time Jeremy Clarkson lookalike) George Torr says “it’s a bluddy disgraaace.”
Another local media outlet is BBC Radio Sheffield. To keep listeners’ interest, programmes are routinely interrupted every 15 minutes by ‘Jam Dodger’, a vital resource that informs listeners that traffic is heavier than normal during rush hours.
(It is anticipated that Derek Dooley Way, Bramall Lane Roundabout and Brook Hill Roundabout will
still be busy in 2030).
A regular contributor to Radio Sheffield’s ‘Football Heaven’, Mark (or is it Mick?) would be an ideal ambassador for Wednesday’s 2030 bid. When interviewed about the prospect, Mark/Mick said:
“Yeah? Right? Well, yeah, I’m not, right, going to talk about Yoo-nited, yeah, but…”
In summation
Chansiri Stadium and Chansiri Wednesday would be an ideal choice of venue for 2030. They haven’t been gifted a major tournament since 1966 when interest-free loans and World Cup money saw the stadium turned into the ‘Wembley of the North’.
Chansiri Wednesday enjoy close ties to business such as The Coop Bank writing off a £20m loan in the spirit of altruism.
We believe that the local council’s vast experience of major sporting projects such as The World Student Games/Don Valley Stadium makes them an ideal partner in such a project.
Finally, it is anticipated that, by 2030, 254 teams will take part in the FIFA Infantino World Cup. If – by pure coincidence* - Albania, Bulgaria and Romania are chosen to play in Sheffield, they could rely on huge local support.
*Such as Russia getting to play possibly the weakest team in the 2018 WC at home. In the first game. In the national stadium. Pure coincidence.
Yours, the undersigned:
‘Lord’ Coe,
Sepp Blatter,
Michel Platini,
Kim Wrong ‘Un,
Richard (soon to be ‘Lord’?) Scudamore,
‘Sir’ Dave Richards,
The entire 1966 West Ham World-Cup winning squad,
Infantino,
The Star,
Radio Sheffield,
All the usual suspects etc. etc. etc.
