Originally written for Dem Blades fanzine at the start of 2020 when we were in touching distance of Europe, with lockdowns, injuries and drop-offs a distant nightmare…
At the end of last season, we saw our affable Irish lynchpin John Egan pen his now infamous lyrics to the ‘Allez! Allez! Allez!’ song. This was followed by Billy Sharp retweeting a Blade’s own version of Oasis’ ‘She’s Electric’ to welcome new signing Sander Berge. With this musical inspiration it set us thinking about the current squad. They each have their musical interests, be that Mousset’s love for French Rap, McBurnie’s penchant for Hip Hop or Wilder’s nod to the cheesy pop tunes of the 80’s. But we were more wondering whether each Blades player has a group or musical artiste from the past or present who would most resemble their character or career? Bear with us, there’s Method (Man) to this Madness, so let’s go one step beyond (any sense of reality)…
The goalkeeper has to be a drummer; a good one reliably and consistently gives everyone else the confidence that they will have something solid to build on. More importantly – like most drummers – our number one is an absolute nutter, not to mention a sitting duck for flying bottles of pee from the crowd. Luckily for Leeds fans, the urine here is only metaphorical or they’d have drowned in the biggest torrent of retaliatory piss at Elland Road last season. But which drummer is he? Henderson was once part of a huge group but behind a bigger name meaning he had to Breakout to Learn To Fly on his own. Now his new ‘group’ has arguably surpassed his old one. No longer the Pretender, he’s My Hero and yours, established as The One and millions worldwide are seeing his talent In Bloom. Dean Henderson is Dave Grohl
Simon Moore is Luke Goss: …and not just to carry on the tenuous drumming theme. Moore, like Henderson, is a good looking chap and the two Bros lads carry similar aesthetic qualities. Maybe the other member of the group gets more of the limelight, but like Luke to Matt, Simon has stayed loyal to the group, ‘Moore’ than happy to help out his more prominent ‘brother’.
George Baldock is David Bowie: ‘There’s a star man / Running down the right / His name is Georgie Baldock and he’s fucking dynamite.’
Enda Stevens is Westlife: An Irish performer who initially struggled until a new manager revitalised their career… and yes, that also means Chris Wilder is Louis Walsh. Well he is for this bit, he’ll no doubt be someone else later. After expert guidance, both Enda and Westlife went from strength to strength to became one of the biggest ever successes in their chosen field. The song ‘Flying without wing(ers)’ describes United’s unique style perfectly.
Jack O’Connell is Victoria Beckham: What? Are you mad? Hear us out. They never seem to do interviews. They both seem a bit quiet, maybe even sulky. Both are part of a famous five, but perhaps the others in the quintet get a bit more attention. And Jack, like Posh Spice, has found success doing things other than what they were meant to be famous for; for Victoria’s forays into the fashion world, see Jack’s adventures into the opposition half. Finally, both have partners that it can be argued to are: a) more attractive, and b) better at football. Hopefully there’s still time for this to change (Jack getting more success than Alex Greenwood that is – I think it might be too late for Victoria’s England call-up).
John Egan is Bernie Taupin: Working hard behind the scenes so that his more flamboyant partner(s) can have the freedom to mince about and take all the glory. Aside from all the Elton stuff he penned, Taupin was responsible for songs such as ‘We Built this City’ and ‘These Dreams’ which, while lacking the lyrical mastery of Egan’s ‘Allez! Allez! Allez!’, are symbols of this Blades team’s journey.
To Egan’s right: some love him to the point of cultdom, others just don’t get it. Quite happy to report we are fully in the cult (mind the typos), and will happily trot out appalling puns about Basham ‘bossing’ whatever position he plays. There are further similarities in the stamina levels with both being ‘Born to Run’; though seeing Bash pile into the box late on is a much more appealing sight than Bruce (Springsteen, not Steve) sweating his way through a third hour onstage. Both seem to get better with age, and I’m pretty sure both would look good in that classic double denim. The Boss’ fans know what he brings to every performance and like Bash, he rarely disappoints. His ‘Hungry Heart’ has ensured he has been an integral part of United’s ‘Glory Days!’ Chris Basham is Bruce Springsteen
Oli Norwood is John Williams: Genius composers and metronomic masters of their craft, both creating so much quality through versatile techniques. A great back catalogue make up key components of successful projects such as Indiana Jones (Huddersfield), ET (Reading), Superman (Brighton) and Jurassic Park (Fulham). Best known for one particular journey though, Star Wars (United) – an ongoing saga that has gone from strength to strength, provided you ignore the bit with Jar-Jar Marvin Johnson. Without the rhythm and tempo they provide, both entities would not be the same; they are the calmness and class that provides the subtlety to allow the other components of the production to thrive.
John Fleck is Lewis Capaldi: Scottish, Ginger(ish), small and a bit chubby. What a talent though, and as a line from Capaldi’s most famous song calls out: ‘I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape’, this mirroring Fleck’s release from his moribund spell at Coventry which has seen him come into his own. Both are now at the top of their game and also share famous cousins, namely Doctor Who actor Peter Capaldi and former Norwich striker Robert Fleck. We’ll leave you to guess which is related to which.
John Lundstram is Pulp. Years plugging away in the wilderness, with only the most hardcore fan daring to suggest it’ll ever come to anything big. Next minute, you’ve got a Mercury nominated album and everyone loves you. Here’s hoping that Lunny’s also got a Different Class to come, and helps us get Sorted for Champions League or Fifth.
Sander Berge is Morten Harket: Norweigan, silky and an annoyingly good-looking cunt. Both seem nice lads, and we’re also tempted to follow our older sisters’ example from the 80s and put a poster of the Scandanavian dreamboat above our beds.
Didzy was tricky (not the rapper). Stevie Wonder was briefly considered – both are absolute geniuses who work with different people to make things happen for others, be it through a pass or a song – Franklin, McBrurnie, Jackson, Sharp and Robinsons Smokey and Callum have all benefitted from this. However, some fans may say that for all McGoldrick’s talent, his goalscoring record means it’s almost like he cannot even see the goal. However, Wonder is a bit too mainstream – for us David McGoldrick is Miles Davis: cool as fuck, doing things that nobody else can even comprehend, but like most jazz musicians playing a song, has absolutely no idea how to finish.
Ollie McBurnie is Goldie Looking Chain: outlandish clothes, Welsh connection, large entourage – tick, tick, tick… plus both seem to talk, dress and act like they are proper rappers from South LA. They also seem to like poking fun at others, don’t take life too seriously and have been embroiled Cardiff controversy – McBurnie for his antics at the South Wales derby and GLC for mocking Jack O’Connell – sorry, Mrs Beckham – before an England v Wales international.
Billy Sharp is Robbie Williams: Fat lad in a critically reviled group who left to find huge success elsewhere. Returned to the fold and surprised everyone by having even more success and acclaim back where he really belongs. Cheeky chap who – despite being driven to achieve individual accolades – is really all about the group and doing it for the kids.
Lys Mousset can’t even stay onstage for a full gig and is basically Chris Martin at Glastonbury when Emily Eavis hasn’t booked Coldplay for once. Here he comes, piling into someone else’s set at full tilt, before getting dragged off after two songs, absolutely knackered. The main difference is that Moose is welcome, exciting and adds something other than some tedious piano.
Best of the rest….
Phil Jagielka is Paul Weller: Been around for ages and evolved styles constantly. Weller from his punk, mod, new wave and soul. Jags from a midfielder, to right back to centre back. And as surprising as Weller unexpectedly cropping up at Live Aid, Jags has even been a goalkeeper. A steady influence throughout the eras, Weller maybe did not get the acclaim as the frontman of the Jam. Jags as Everton skipper was also quietly underappreciated nationally, and maybe both collectives did not quite go onto the success they could have done. Nationally they were both well-known but neither really quite made it internationally. Weller and Jags have changed visually with a number of different hairstyles throughout the ages too, most of which looked pretty shit. Both still steady in their respective roles and still fans aplenty both young and old.
Mo Besic is a Happy Hardcore Eastern European DJ: We don’t even have a name, just a type. Picture it: you’re in a club in Bratislava or Krakow and the crowd goes wild as a cheery lad with tattoos and skinhead comes to the decks. He has non-stop energy and makes an instant impact. However, you just know he’s connected to some dodgy characters and could kill you in seconds. This just adds to the excitement though.
Callum Robinson is Take That’s Mark Owen: Lovely smile, but apart from Babe (or that half hour at Chelsea), what’s he even up to?
Kean Bryan is Dane Bowers. Previously part of a group that had achieved some success, he’s done nothing since, and is only really notable for shagging a C-list celebrity.
Kieron Freeman is Pete Best: Like the Forgotten Beatle, Freeman lost his place before the group made it big. There’s still time for him to be Yoko though.
Luke Freeman is Duran Duran. All teeth and hair, he certainly looks the part, but there’s not a lot behind that initial shine.
Ricky Holmes is Manic Street Preachers’ Ritchie Edwards. Where’s he gone?
Ravel Morrison is So Solid Crew: early promise, terrible attitude, ultimately crap.
Leon Clarke is Guns n Roses: Not only does he wear inappropriate attire at all times (are gloves in summer are more or less of an offence than a top hat onstage?), but his United career is about the same. Had that album/week full of bangers, got the plaudits and the contract, and for a brief period everyone was happy. But years have passed, times have changed, and why the hell is he still turning out in stadiums full of people? Punters hope for the same but see a tired, overweight performer who is still well liked but never likely to hit the heights of before.
Mark Duffy is Nirvana: Made it from nowhere to the very top, only to shoot himself in the face.
Chris Wilder and Alan Knill are Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel: One of the most critically acclaimed duos in history, Wilder and Knill’s bond first began at Southampton way back in the mid-eighties, with Simon and Garfunkel similarly meeting at an early age, in elementary school. Both partnerships have seen collaborative work but at times they have also gone off to work individually with varying results. Simon, like Wilder, has seen more success when going solo, but when together – despite them being quite different characters – they are in sync and as a pair have constantly evolved in their approach. The less famous of the duo, Garfunkel (1.74m) is significantly taller than Simon (1.61m), something Knill has over Wilder by exactly the same height (13 inches). Garfunkel even had red hair like Knill; as the song says, ‘You can call me Al!’ It’s uncanny. However, our two seem to get on so let’s hope they don’t go the same way as A and G and have a fall out lasting over forty years. Maybe they are more like Clough and Taylor after all.
tuftyclubsufc.wordpress.com
