Sean the Blade
Member
Gary Speed dialled then placed the handset to his ear, just as the calm, female voice began to recite the menu:
“Thank you for calling the Kevin McCabe sales and service help-line.
- If you would like to purchase an hotel, please press 1
- If you would like to purchase a goalkeeper please press 2
- If you would like to purchase a defender please press 3
- If you would like to purchase a midfielder please press 4
- If you would like to purchase a striker, sorry, we are currently out of saleable stock.
- If you are an Asian or Pacific Rim billionaire businessman wishing to invest in Sheffield United, please press 6 and confirm the financial irregularity you are currently awaiting prosecution for.
- If you represent a foreign football club, and are seeking a new owner, please refer to our website webuyanyteam.com.
- For all other enquiries please hold”
Speed rapped a tattoo on his desk with his pen as he waited for the call to be answered. The ring tone was interrupted by another female, recorded voice “Thank you for waiting, your call is valuable to us. All our advisers are currently busy disposing of other assets, please continue to hold or try again later. Alternatively, try our on line auction site e.bay /I’d_flog_my_granny_for_a_fiver.co.uk ” the ring tone resumed.
He sighed and replaced the receiver; he stood and walked to the office door. He sprinted up the stairs and soon found himself outside McCabe’s own office, knocked and walked in, McCabe was lost in a phone call “SELL SELL SELL” he looked up and noticed Speed “SEL…ECT the best players you can for the money Birchy, only the best for our Gary! We’ll speak later, mwah, Chow for now!” His attention turned to Speed.
“Gary, good to see you, take a seat! In fact take them all, to you £100, they’d look lovely in your dining room, go on treat yourself”
“I have a dining suite thanks boss, look I need to speak to you about players, we need strengthening, in all areas, and we’re desperate for a striker”.
“Gary, I’m looking to bring in some serious foreign talent, and I’m not talking about the Cheeky Girls here! But this won’t happen overnight, we’ve got to be realistic. We’re living in a global village now; we’re not little Englanders any more. World events impact us every day, world events change every day! Last week I invested heavily in a toner cartridge factory in The Yemen, well that’s gone up in smoke, the deals not worth the paper that it’s not printed on! All that after I had refund the Royal Navy for all those sea charts they bought off me”
“Look boss, all I’m asking for is a minimal investment in the team”
“Investment in the team? What do you think the puppy farm, I mean academy, is for?”
“Nurturing young talent?”
“You are very wet behind the ears Gary. Those young men are the future revenue streams of this club. When a farmer grows his crops, he doesn’t keep them all for himself, does he?”
“True, but he doesn’t sell his best tractor and buy a donkey either!”
“Look Gary son, I’ve got a few irons in the fire, and I don’t mean West Ham, I’ve just bought a hot dog stand! If we make some money out of that, I promise, I promise, you can have share of the profits for players”
“You’ll not make much out of a hot dog stand”
“I’ve got a licence to pitch up just round the corner from Strafford’s house!”
“I’ll see you in a couple of weeks boss!”
“Thank you for calling the Kevin McCabe sales and service help-line.
- If you would like to purchase an hotel, please press 1
- If you would like to purchase a goalkeeper please press 2
- If you would like to purchase a defender please press 3
- If you would like to purchase a midfielder please press 4
- If you would like to purchase a striker, sorry, we are currently out of saleable stock.
- If you are an Asian or Pacific Rim billionaire businessman wishing to invest in Sheffield United, please press 6 and confirm the financial irregularity you are currently awaiting prosecution for.
- If you represent a foreign football club, and are seeking a new owner, please refer to our website webuyanyteam.com.
- For all other enquiries please hold”
Speed rapped a tattoo on his desk with his pen as he waited for the call to be answered. The ring tone was interrupted by another female, recorded voice “Thank you for waiting, your call is valuable to us. All our advisers are currently busy disposing of other assets, please continue to hold or try again later. Alternatively, try our on line auction site e.bay /I’d_flog_my_granny_for_a_fiver.co.uk ” the ring tone resumed.
He sighed and replaced the receiver; he stood and walked to the office door. He sprinted up the stairs and soon found himself outside McCabe’s own office, knocked and walked in, McCabe was lost in a phone call “SELL SELL SELL” he looked up and noticed Speed “SEL…ECT the best players you can for the money Birchy, only the best for our Gary! We’ll speak later, mwah, Chow for now!” His attention turned to Speed.
“Gary, good to see you, take a seat! In fact take them all, to you £100, they’d look lovely in your dining room, go on treat yourself”
“I have a dining suite thanks boss, look I need to speak to you about players, we need strengthening, in all areas, and we’re desperate for a striker”.
“Gary, I’m looking to bring in some serious foreign talent, and I’m not talking about the Cheeky Girls here! But this won’t happen overnight, we’ve got to be realistic. We’re living in a global village now; we’re not little Englanders any more. World events impact us every day, world events change every day! Last week I invested heavily in a toner cartridge factory in The Yemen, well that’s gone up in smoke, the deals not worth the paper that it’s not printed on! All that after I had refund the Royal Navy for all those sea charts they bought off me”
“Look boss, all I’m asking for is a minimal investment in the team”
“Investment in the team? What do you think the puppy farm, I mean academy, is for?”
“Nurturing young talent?”
“You are very wet behind the ears Gary. Those young men are the future revenue streams of this club. When a farmer grows his crops, he doesn’t keep them all for himself, does he?”
“True, but he doesn’t sell his best tractor and buy a donkey either!”
“Look Gary son, I’ve got a few irons in the fire, and I don’t mean West Ham, I’ve just bought a hot dog stand! If we make some money out of that, I promise, I promise, you can have share of the profits for players”
“You’ll not make much out of a hot dog stand”
“I’ve got a licence to pitch up just round the corner from Strafford’s house!”
“I’ll see you in a couple of weeks boss!”
