Out of favour striker looking for contract

[Ollessendro]

This might be just what Wilson is looking for .......

Leaked: Letter to Wilson

Ollessendro
Olle’s shed
Near Chelsea’s ground
London
7th October

FAO Danny Wilson
Cc Kevin McCabe, Dave McCarthy Chris Steer

Dear Mr Wilson,

The word on the grapevine is that you need a ‘pacey striker’ and I wanted to offer mi services. I am absolutely sure that I would rip league one apart. Darn pub last week at least 3 people said a were better than Porter (n a were only drinking a beer!). Give me a hefty contract to set me up for life and I will come in and be a massive failure. Forget about the youth and the academy/development team, go for the ‘tried and tested’ (4 goals in 6 seasons for Dog and Duck) and bring in a fans favourite (one of the most popular posters on s24su.com). Once won the 60m sprint at schoil, so am convinced mi blisterin pace will cause these 3rd division defenders loads of problems. And I will do it all for a hefty (grossly overinflated) fee. Want someone to spunk the Slew money on, then look no further.

I attach my CV. Giz a shout on 081 811 8181. Got mi boots ready for t’derby.

Yours sincerely,
Ollessendro

Ollessendro's CV

Ollessendro – CV
081 811 8181

Personal statement

Aging, fat, unfit player in twilight of career looking for hefty contract to make financially secure. Always limited in ability, before getting career threatening injury and now looking to warm the bench for a big wage packet. Ran the 100m in 17 secs once at school and one of mi mates said I were ‘fast’. Former goalscoring machine netting 4 goals in 6 seasons for the Dog and Duck including the winner in the community shield.

Relevant experience

Injured/no club 2008 – present

Dog and Duck football team (2002 – 2008)

Teddy Sheringham role behind the strikers. Top goalscoarer in our relegation season.

Injured (top bench warmer for many clubs)

Rawmarsh St Joespephs (1989-1992)

Utility player.

 

[Quiff Boy]

:fatbastard: ← is this you, then?

 

[TarquinDelouche]

My, you're a real character. I have literally - LITERALLY - never known anybody make a joke about them being better than the players at their club.

 

[broomhillblade]

This might be just what Wilson is looking for .......

Leaked: Letter to Wilson

Ollessendro
Olle’s shed
Near Chelsea’s ground
London
7th October

FAO Danny Wilson
Cc Kevin McCabe, Dave McCarthy Chris Steer

Dear Mr Wilson,

The word on the grapevine is that you need a ‘pacey striker’ and I wanted to offer mi services. I am absolutely sure that I would rip league one apart. Darn pub last week at least 3 people said a were better than Porter (n a were only drinking a beer!). Give me a hefty contract to set me up for life and I will come in and be a massive failure. Forget about the youth and the academy/development team, go for the ‘tried and tested’ (4 goals in 6 seasons for Dog and Duck) and bring in a fans favourite (one of the most popular posters on s24su.com). Once won the 60m sprint at schoil, so am convinced mi blisterin pace will cause these 3rd division defenders loads of problems. And I will do it all for a hefty (grossly overinflated) fee. Want someone to spunk the Slew money on, then look no further.

I attach my CV. Giz a shout on 081 811 8181. Got mi boots ready for t’derby.

Yours sincerely,
Ollessendro

Ollessendro's CV

Ollessendro – CV
081 811 8181

Personal statement

Aging, fat, unfit player in twilight of career looking for hefty contract to make financially secure. Always limited in ability, before getting career threatening injury and now looking to warm the bench for a big wage packet. Ran the 100m in 17 secs once at school and one of mi mates said I were ‘fast’. Former goalscoring machine netting 4 goals in 6 seasons for the Dog and Duck including the winner in the community shield.

Relevant experience

Injured/no club 2008 – present

Dog and Duck football team (2002 – 2008)

Teddy Sheringham role behind the strikers. Top goalscoarer in our relegation season.

Injured (top bench warmer for many clubs)

Rawmarsh St Joespephs (1989-1992)

Utility player.

You forgot to list "chronic attention seeker" among your attributes. ;-)

 

[Bognorblade]

Think henderson has fraped your s24su password again......

 

[Ollessendro]

My, you're a real character. I have literally - LITERALLY - never known anybody make a joke about them being better than the players at their club.

Where did I say I was better than other players at the club? Other than Porter, whom I think most (without even seeing my talents) would agree that I am probably better than.

Think henderson has fraped your s24su password again......

Henderson, or mr VFM as I like to call him is my idol. Hefty £2m fee (way over the odds) and the departure of a much better player in Hulse. Then 3 seasons as one of the highest earners of the club, literally raping united on a wopping £17k a week. During those seasons he did absolutely bugger all. A crap goal scoring record and when he was not injured (most of the time) he was suspended. 7 or 8 red cards showing his complete lack of indiscipline. An absolute liability when in the team giving away more fouls than anyone else in the league, concentrating more on fighting with the centre back than his game (and usually getting penalised for it), encouraging an awful style of play (hoof it to big Darius) and generally being crap. Then in our relegation season he sits on the treatment table and takes his massive wage. When given his opportunity he comes on and stifles our tiny bit of momentum by getting himself sent off after 20 minutes or so. Then he wants to repay the Blades. How does he do that? He goes for a fraction of what we payed for him (the old undisclosed classic) and still gets some of his wages paid by United. Thanks very much Darius.

Showing occassional signs of brilliance is something I will not do. I will not flatter to deceive by scoring a hat trick/crucial goal/putting in a fantastic performance and then go and be crap/get injured/sent off. I will just be consistently crap (Marcus Bent style).

 

[moDtheGod]

I called the number, but they told me I was wasting my time and that it was "just for fun".

Actually, it was "Live & Kicking" wasn't it? Not The Big Breakfast. Howler.

 

[SwissBlade]

Didn't you write a similar letter last season Ollie, but claiming to be a midfielder/ centre half.

 

[Ollessendro]

Didn't you write a similar letter last season Ollie, but claiming to be a midfielder/ centre half.

Indeed mucker (http://www.s24su.com/forum/showthre...-centre-half-willing-to-sign!!!!!!&highlight=). What can I say .... I am versatile!?

 

[shorehamview]

What can I say .... I am versatile!?

If that's French for "I go on a bit" then yes, versatile.

 

[Ollessendro]

Just got a text from this Pig fan who reckons he is picking the team for United on Sat-di. Told me to bring mi boots. Keep an eye out for me on Sat-di (if I pass mi late fitness test!?)

 

[raul]

Good luck on Sat-di then Olly.

 

[judge]

Just got a text from this Pig fan who reckons he is picking the team for United on Sat-di. Told me to bring mi boots. Keep an eye out for me on Sat-di (if I pass mi late fitness test!?)

There just isn't enough lolz in the universe

 

[Bladesway]

I'm guessing that some are perhaps taking him a little seriously. He hopes so.

 

[Ollessendro]

Just had the Pig on the phone again. He's told me to hold my horses. Saw my pic and thinks I might get mistaken for BT and get the home fans all excited ......

 

[judge]

Just had the Pig on the phone again. He's told me to hold my horses. Saw my pic and thinks I might get mistaken for BT and get the home fans all excited ......

Nice one olly ,brilliant me owd spadge

 

[Ollessendro]

Nice one olly ,brilliant me owd spadge

Ey up judgey owd mucker. We meeting for a beer on Sun-di or are you off nicking hub caps again this weekend?

 

[judge]

Ey up judgey owd mucker. We meeting for a beer on Sun-di or are you off nicking hub caps again this weekend?

ha ha me sides .....please stop before I spontaneously combust

 

[Ollessendro]

ha ha me sides .....please stop before I spontaneously combust

not quite scouse humour, but I'm glad you now appreciate it. We've come a long way judgey owd pal. I can still remember your potty mouthed Olle and Mic are c***s outburst.

 

[bricktop]

Olly, you an inspiration to us all, and by far and away the funniest man on this board.

 

[judge]

not quite scouse humour, but I'm glad you now appreciate it. We've come a long way judgey owd pal. I can still remember your potty mouthed Olle and Mic are c***s outburst.

Really got to you that didn't it ,that's why you keep dredging it up trying to get a reaction
Well you are and you can make all the scouse digs you like mate I know I'm from Sheffield
I know what I am and I know what you are

 

[super_pig]

>Where did I say I was better than other players at the club?
i'll take that as a given mate looking at some of them.. no problem here

 

[Ollessendro]

Really got to you that didn't it ,that's why you keep dredging it up trying to get a reaction
Well you are and you can make all the scouse digs you like mate I know I'm from Sheffield
I know what I am and I know what you are

Oh contraire judgey. It was one of the funniest things I ever witnessed. A grown man acting like a 3 year old child that had her lollipop stolen. SV and Houso have thrown some funny tantrums, but yours was hillarious and by far the funniest. I actually find it kind of cute that you follow my posts/threads around like a fart under a blanket (secretly loving my quick wit, razor sharp sense of humour, my fantastic articulation and high levels of intelligence).

 

[judge]

Oh contraire judgey. It was one of the funniest things I ever witnessed. A grown man acting like a 3 year old child that had her lollipop stolen. SV and Houso have thrown some funny tantrums, but yours was hillarious and by far the funniest. I actually find it kind of cute that you follow my posts/threads around like a fart under a blanket (secretly loving my quick wit, razor sharp sense of humour, my fantastic articulation and high levels of intelligence).

You must have me confused with someone who doesn't think you're a c**t

 

[Ollessendro]

You must have me confused with someone who doesn't think you're a c**t

looking for another little vacation are you judgey?

And aren't you such as big boy using vocabulary like that!

 

[judge]

looking for another little vacation are you judgey?

And aren't you such as big boy using vocabulary like that!

no im not ,but you can keep trying to get me one if it gives you a semi on holly

 

[JJ Sefton]

I think you two are the new me and Darren.

 

[Nick Jansky]

I think you two are the new me and Darren.

I just think it's a massive shame that the run up to a derby game has seen the forum descend into the sort of infighting we have witnessed this week. One or two need to look at themselves.

 

[bricktop]

[video=youtube;f1gfZwejPv8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1gfZwejPv8[/video]

Oh contraire judgey. It was one of the funniest things I ever witnessed. A grown man acting like a 3 year old child that had her lollipop stolen. SV and Houso have thrown some funny tantrums, but yours was hillarious and by far the funniest. I actually find it kind of cute that you follow my posts/threads around like a fart under a blanket (secretly loving my quick wit, razor sharp sense of humour, my fantastic articulation and high levels of intelligence).

 

[Darren]

I think you two are the new me and Darren.

Bloody hell, I really hope our debates reach a higher standard than calling each other cunts and making erection references!