Snowman
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- Dec 24, 2013
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2013.
Kev ( for it is he. Entrance stage left from secret cupboard in boardroom)
Simon, has that cunt Jacob gone yet?
Yes Dad, managed to clear up the misunderstanding over the expenses and they've dropped the investigation into that goat incident. Fraid we'll have to change the server cos were being spammed to fuck with offers of 6 billion US from the estate of Haille Selasse in the Bank of Nigeria.
Phew, that was a close thing. He was nearly as big a bull shitter as me that lad. Still, promised investment of 500 million worked a treat to keep our muppets onside for season tickets until they sussed him. Have we got another no mark lined up?
Well we've got the opportunity of a new manager, new signings, new investment. Which stunt do you want to pull this year dad? Of course you could stun em with the new ground At Concorde Park scenario but I think we're not quite ready for that one. Need to get down to around 4,500 fans. There's a lad called William I've got lined up who will sell it for us.
We did that thing with them Australians a few years back, and we did the Maltesers. That got us a few holidays and bought a bit of time but I think we are going to have to really shit or bust this next one cos I'm fucked if my pension is going south whilst relying on a set of brain dead arseholes managed by Captain Mainwaring and Sgt Wilson to get us up to the Premiership.
What about them Saudis dad?
On the back burner lad? Got this idea that we appoint a tosser next time around. Looks good , smells good but shite. Drop like a stone. Get rid and then appoint "a name".
Oh No! Not Robson again Dad.
Course not, he's dead isn't he? If he isn't his fuckin liver should be. No we can get a knobend in. I'll get Harry Basset in to sort it and then he'll fuck up, we then sell the name to the Saudis. They'll bite. Alex Ferguson's son is what I'm looking at. With his connections we'll be quid's in for loaners, maybe a bit of other business and a bit of reflected glory. Even if he fucks up, we can sell the fucking club on.Him and his dad are minted and them Saudis will want a bit of SIR AF. I have a plan to chuck all the assets in one pot and all the shit in another. Sell an interest in the shit and keep our bit. Kushti.
What's the shit dad?
The fucking football club you Muppet.
Kinell Dad...... that's special. No win no lose. We fuck up and Saudis will take over. We win and we're heroes and special.
I sell him an interest for a quid and he puts his bunce in. Relies on our expert knowledge of the UK football marketplace, Bit of a punt, takes the costs, the heat and the admin away from us and the when it all goes tits up, I walk back in and he get's his quid back and we roll on. If it goes well, we are there for the ride and with a bit of luck he will end up chasing his cash and want us out anyway, at a price!
I've got a lot to learn Dad.
And there's more.......... I have a strap line. a USP. Something that we can get away with. "Game Changing Investment". That really drops it on the Saudi's toes. It's their investment not ours. Our fans all reckon owt with an Arabian name is worth billions. They're fucking thick. Apart from that cunt Holden who can interpret a set of accounts.
SOME TIME LATER..........
KEVIN...... (for it is he appearing in a puff of theatrical smoke from under the South Stand catering outlets) Jesus that was fucking close! Thought that twat Weir was going to completely screw us and Ferguson refusing the offer eh? Fucking Sweaty Jocks eh. Lucky Clough was available. Even that beardy bloke had heard of his dad.
Think it will still work Dad?
Yeah, None league Nigel will either buy a load of non league shite and get lucky and we will go up or screw it up as he has done for years.We'll not go down and he may get us up. We've done our bit and the Saudis take it on the chin. They either fund it and they fuck up or they don't and they get slaughtered.
SOME TIME LATER..........
KEVIN (for it is he striding into the Boardroom in his studded leather pants accompanied by a couple of leopards on a leash)........You complete dildo Clough!
CLUFF....... What the fuck have I done wrong Kev? Semi Finals, full stadium rocking on cup days and just missed out in the play offs. If it hadn't been for that arse wipe you left me with as my "right hand man" recommending the Irish International as first choice centre half and Mr IAMDIMAN Nobrain from Walsall as his partner at the start of the season we might have made it. You wouldn't let me sign Dan Burn so I had to use Basham as a flaming Centre Back. Did I want Brayford at that price? Even Trevor Francis did't cost that much for me old man!
What have you done wrong? Expectations you little fucker! Them Saudis are saying we only need a couple of centre halves, a driving midfielder, a keeper and a proper centre forward instead of lard arse. Put £10 mill in Kev, he says, I'll match you. Where the fuck have I got £10mill from Cluffy you Dildobrain? I want out of the sodding club not funding it further! To be fair Cluffy, the football's been shit. Can you guarantee you'll get us up and play like Barca this season?
No one could guarantee that!
Cluffy you are a waste of space. Bring me solutions not problems, Your'e fired.
Can I have my £2.5 mill severance then?
With pleasure you East Midlands six fingered dwarf loving sheep shagger. That saves me £7.5 mill. Si get on the phone to Adkins agent tell him we have a £20 mill transfer kitty but don't tell him £10 mill of that is from the sale of Murphy to Chelsea. Tell him to google "think Liverpool not Man City" FFS don't mention owt to do with Jacob and the goat.
SOME TIME LATER.........
NIGEL NIGEL NIGEL, WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME. Can you get Dan Burns Agent on the phone?
Why? I don't want him?
Get on board son, neither do we, but make an effort son. Get with it.
But Chairman, what about the ten million?
That's In UAE Dirhams fuckwit. Suck it up or walk away and have another failure on the CV sucker!
But Chairman, don't you care about this club?
I live and breathe this club. My ring tone is the greasy chip butty. I have s statue of Simmonsen in my downstairs toilet reaching for my balls but never quite grasping them. That's fucking dedication that is!
Can I have some cash please?
Ask Barney, I'm out!
Sorry I got bored and self indulgent.
Kev ( for it is he. Entrance stage left from secret cupboard in boardroom)
Simon, has that cunt Jacob gone yet?
Yes Dad, managed to clear up the misunderstanding over the expenses and they've dropped the investigation into that goat incident. Fraid we'll have to change the server cos were being spammed to fuck with offers of 6 billion US from the estate of Haille Selasse in the Bank of Nigeria.
Phew, that was a close thing. He was nearly as big a bull shitter as me that lad. Still, promised investment of 500 million worked a treat to keep our muppets onside for season tickets until they sussed him. Have we got another no mark lined up?
Well we've got the opportunity of a new manager, new signings, new investment. Which stunt do you want to pull this year dad? Of course you could stun em with the new ground At Concorde Park scenario but I think we're not quite ready for that one. Need to get down to around 4,500 fans. There's a lad called William I've got lined up who will sell it for us.
We did that thing with them Australians a few years back, and we did the Maltesers. That got us a few holidays and bought a bit of time but I think we are going to have to really shit or bust this next one cos I'm fucked if my pension is going south whilst relying on a set of brain dead arseholes managed by Captain Mainwaring and Sgt Wilson to get us up to the Premiership.
What about them Saudis dad?
On the back burner lad? Got this idea that we appoint a tosser next time around. Looks good , smells good but shite. Drop like a stone. Get rid and then appoint "a name".
Oh No! Not Robson again Dad.
Course not, he's dead isn't he? If he isn't his fuckin liver should be. No we can get a knobend in. I'll get Harry Basset in to sort it and then he'll fuck up, we then sell the name to the Saudis. They'll bite. Alex Ferguson's son is what I'm looking at. With his connections we'll be quid's in for loaners, maybe a bit of other business and a bit of reflected glory. Even if he fucks up, we can sell the fucking club on.Him and his dad are minted and them Saudis will want a bit of SIR AF. I have a plan to chuck all the assets in one pot and all the shit in another. Sell an interest in the shit and keep our bit. Kushti.
What's the shit dad?
The fucking football club you Muppet.
Kinell Dad...... that's special. No win no lose. We fuck up and Saudis will take over. We win and we're heroes and special.
I sell him an interest for a quid and he puts his bunce in. Relies on our expert knowledge of the UK football marketplace, Bit of a punt, takes the costs, the heat and the admin away from us and the when it all goes tits up, I walk back in and he get's his quid back and we roll on. If it goes well, we are there for the ride and with a bit of luck he will end up chasing his cash and want us out anyway, at a price!
I've got a lot to learn Dad.
And there's more.......... I have a strap line. a USP. Something that we can get away with. "Game Changing Investment". That really drops it on the Saudi's toes. It's their investment not ours. Our fans all reckon owt with an Arabian name is worth billions. They're fucking thick. Apart from that cunt Holden who can interpret a set of accounts.
SOME TIME LATER..........
KEVIN...... (for it is he appearing in a puff of theatrical smoke from under the South Stand catering outlets) Jesus that was fucking close! Thought that twat Weir was going to completely screw us and Ferguson refusing the offer eh? Fucking Sweaty Jocks eh. Lucky Clough was available. Even that beardy bloke had heard of his dad.
Think it will still work Dad?
Yeah, None league Nigel will either buy a load of non league shite and get lucky and we will go up or screw it up as he has done for years.We'll not go down and he may get us up. We've done our bit and the Saudis take it on the chin. They either fund it and they fuck up or they don't and they get slaughtered.
SOME TIME LATER..........
KEVIN (for it is he striding into the Boardroom in his studded leather pants accompanied by a couple of leopards on a leash)........You complete dildo Clough!
CLUFF....... What the fuck have I done wrong Kev? Semi Finals, full stadium rocking on cup days and just missed out in the play offs. If it hadn't been for that arse wipe you left me with as my "right hand man" recommending the Irish International as first choice centre half and Mr IAMDIMAN Nobrain from Walsall as his partner at the start of the season we might have made it. You wouldn't let me sign Dan Burn so I had to use Basham as a flaming Centre Back. Did I want Brayford at that price? Even Trevor Francis did't cost that much for me old man!
What have you done wrong? Expectations you little fucker! Them Saudis are saying we only need a couple of centre halves, a driving midfielder, a keeper and a proper centre forward instead of lard arse. Put £10 mill in Kev, he says, I'll match you. Where the fuck have I got £10mill from Cluffy you Dildobrain? I want out of the sodding club not funding it further! To be fair Cluffy, the football's been shit. Can you guarantee you'll get us up and play like Barca this season?
No one could guarantee that!
Cluffy you are a waste of space. Bring me solutions not problems, Your'e fired.
Can I have my £2.5 mill severance then?
With pleasure you East Midlands six fingered dwarf loving sheep shagger. That saves me £7.5 mill. Si get on the phone to Adkins agent tell him we have a £20 mill transfer kitty but don't tell him £10 mill of that is from the sale of Murphy to Chelsea. Tell him to google "think Liverpool not Man City" FFS don't mention owt to do with Jacob and the goat.
SOME TIME LATER.........
NIGEL NIGEL NIGEL, WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME. Can you get Dan Burns Agent on the phone?
Why? I don't want him?
Get on board son, neither do we, but make an effort son. Get with it.
But Chairman, what about the ten million?
That's In UAE Dirhams fuckwit. Suck it up or walk away and have another failure on the CV sucker!
But Chairman, don't you care about this club?
I live and breathe this club. My ring tone is the greasy chip butty. I have s statue of Simmonsen in my downstairs toilet reaching for my balls but never quite grasping them. That's fucking dedication that is!
Can I have some cash please?
Ask Barney, I'm out!
Sorry I got bored and self indulgent.
