Joke de Jour

All advertisments are hidden for logged in members, why not log in/register?

Kenilworth

Kenilworth

Up the Punters ❤️⚪️⚫️⚔️
Joined
Aug 6, 2009
Messages
15,172
Reaction score
18,556
Location
Not Kenilworth
Since there is absolutely no football going on today (a'hem) I thought I would lighten the mood with a Joke de Jour

Here goes........


He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,



y, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There. That's the blue touch paper well and truly lit. Kenilworth waits for dogs abuse from the portion of the population that find directions difficult to comprehend, never mind spatial awareness. Tin hat on :D
 



My mates has got himself a new girlfriend, he thought she was from Poland, but it took her five days to hoover the bloody house.....turns out shes a Slovak.
 
The Mrs left a note on the fridge:-"It's no good, it's not working. I'm staying at my Mums for a while".
I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was freezing. Fuck knows what she was on about.

I've been taking this girl out for a while and last night asked her if she'd give me a wank. After a bit she started rubbing my dick with her keyring. I thought "Is it me or is she just fobbing me off?"

Since it started snowing, all the missus has done is stand and look out of the window. If it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in.

Next doors dog shit in our garden so the wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. Fat lot of good that did. We've still got dog shit in our garden and next doors got our shovel.

Just been stopped in the street today by a lady conducting a survey. She said "What do you know about dwarves?" I said "Very little".

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for 98 days. It's on its last legs now.

I was driving this morning and saw an RAC van parked at the side of the road. The driver was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. I thought "That blokes heading for a breakdown".

I went into HMV yesterday and said "What have you got by The Doors?" He replied "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket".

I met a girl with a plasticine fanny last week. I haven't shagged her yet but I think I've made an impression.

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.

Paddys wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors to find out why. After a number of tests and questions the doc suggests she may be overheating during sex and he suggests using a fan. Paddy refuses to fork out for a fan and gets his mate round instead to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting, still no orgasm, so his mate suggests a swap. "I'll shag her and you waft the towel". Paddy agrees and within seconds his wife is screaming with pleasure at the most earth shattering orgasm anyone has ever had. Paddy turns to his friend and slowly says "And that my old son is how you waft a fucking towel".
 
Hodgyman said:
I've just played Cluedo, the Tudor edition.
Henry IV did it, with a shovel, in the car park.
Click to expand...

VII Feller - Henry VII prevailed at Bosworth.

Probably one of Dazzler's distant relly's gave him the post mortem dagger up the 'arris on the way to Leicester.
 
Kenilworth said:
VII Feller - Henry VII prevailed at Bosworth.

Probably one of Dazzler's distant relly's gave him the post mortem dagger up the 'arris on the way to Leicester.
Click to expand...

They have also discovered that where he is supposed to have fallen at Bosworth isn't where the plaque says it was!
 
The Chuckle brothers have just been signed up by British Gas.

To meter you.
 
My phones ringtone is "The Prodigy - Firestarter"

Which caused a bit of a stir at the England v Brazil match last night during the minutes silence.
 
How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all I could hear was the patients shouting "13 .... 13 .... 13 ....". The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a small gap in the planks so I looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick and then that all starting shouting "14 .... 14 .... 14 ...."
 
TopBoy said:
How I Learned To Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all I could hear was the patients shouting "13 .... 13 .... 13 ....". The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a small gap in the planks so I looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a cock and then that all starting shouting "14 .... 14 .... 14 ...."
Click to expand...

Fixed it for you...
 
Kenilworth said:
VII Feller - Henry VII prevailed at Bosworth.


Fair cop, I know that I'm old, but I wasn't there at the time to remember and far too many years since I studied history.

Please don't let facts get in the way of a chuckle though
Click to expand...
 
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama!

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family!
 
SouthEssexBlade said:
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama!

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family!
Click to expand...

Very Tim Vine - in fact he could have written it ;)
Classic stuff though SEB
 



Billyblade said:
The Mrs left a note on the fridge:-"It's no good, it's not working. I'm staying at my Mums for a while".
I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was freezing. Fuck knows what she was on about.

I've been taking this girl out for a while and last night asked her if she'd give me a wank. After a bit she started rubbing my dick with her keyring. I thought "Is it me or is she just fobbing me off?"

Since it started snowing, all the missus has done is stand and look out of the window. If it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in.

Next doors dog shit in our garden so the wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. Fat lot of good that did. We've still got dog shit in our garden and next doors got our shovel.

Just been stopped in the street today by a lady conducting a survey. She said "What do you know about dwarves?" I said "Very little".

I've been slowly torturing a centipede for 98 days. It's on its last legs now.

I was driving this morning and saw an RAC van parked at the side of the road. The driver was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. I thought "That blokes heading for a breakdown".

I went into HMV yesterday and said "What have you got by The Doors?" He replied "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket".

I met a girl with a plasticine fanny last week. I haven't shagged her yet but I think I've made an impression.

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.

Paddys wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors to find out why. After a number of tests and questions the doc suggests she may be overheating during sex and he suggests using a fan. Paddy refuses to fork out for a fan and gets his mate round instead to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting, still no orgasm, so his mate suggests a swap. "I'll shag her and you waft the towel". Paddy agrees and within seconds his wife is screaming with pleasure at the most earth shattering orgasm anyone has ever had. Paddy turns to his friend and slowly says "And that my old son is how you waft a fucking towel".
Click to expand...
 
I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost. However, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we’ll see about that.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face

Atheism is a nonprophet organisation.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

What's another word for Thesaurus?
 
Packing for my holiday, Shirts - check, Shorts - check, pants - check, socks - check.

I really need to diversify my wardobe...
 
Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
 
Ive just had my first shit since my findus lasagne ,it was good to firm ,soft in places :)
 
GAZBLADE said:
Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
Click to expand...

It's as if 1973 never went away....
 
Wapping Blade said:
That was so blatant, I thought I must be missing something, was I?
Click to expand...

Unless there is some Mariana trench deep irony involved here, I think that GazBlade is a graduate of the Bernard Manning School of Subtle Comedy
 



Breaking News
Harry Redknapp has now claimed that it was him driving Chris Huhne's car as he's that desperate for 3 points
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Champagneblade
Musings from a part time attendee
Replies
29
Views
3K
bladesince64
B
Champagneblade
Why do you support Sheffield United?
4 5 6
Replies
154
Views
6K
cahill
cahill
Badger Blade
Comatose football
Replies
4
Views
772
Alex Cheeseright
Alex Cheeseright
Deadbat
Millwall 1 United 1 - report/ratings
2
Replies
33
Views
3K
Rochdaleblade
R
Deadbat
Charlton 1 United 0 - report/ratings
Replies
26
Views
2K
Champagneblade
Champagneblade

All advertisments are hidden for logged in members, why not log in/register?

All advertisments are hidden for logged in members, why not log in/register?

Back
Top Bottom