Funny

[KeyffSmyff]

Back in the 80s. Oxford owned by Robert Maxwell playing Derby owned by his son. Oxford starts up with 'we hate Maxwell' Derby reply with 'we hate Maxwell more than you'.

 

[SLB]

Man City had a black goalkeeper called Alex Williams back in the 80s anyway he was wasting time as Man city hung on at the lane ,inciting the crowd ,as he came to fetch a ball from close to john St for a goalkick .He was getting pelters and one of the lads with us got really carried away and started making monkey noises and doing the chimpanzee actions (it was different times). One of the lads said 'Lol what are you fucking doing you're black'. 'I know he says but he got me wound up and I forgot'.

If the initials of the Lol you're referring to are LK then it was me who said it to him.

 

[Blademanx]

Back in the 80's watching the Blades at Odsall against Bradford. Peter Withe up front for us was getting a proper mauling from their centre halves when someone behind chirped up "Come on ref give him a break they're climbing all over him. He's not a fucking tree"

 

[David Lee's first touch]

The Holy Grail.

View attachment 62272

OH LORD!!!! How did I miss this.. some people excell in moronic stupidity its beyond me pinchy the gift that keeps on giving.. take him down

 

[Cerberus Blade]

There was a time in the late 70's or possibly 80's when, for some reason, it was popular to call the referee a "black enamel bastard". I never quite knew why or where this came from, but it always struck me as an odd thing to say.

There was one game I remember at the Lane when the referee, a fairly well-tanned guy, with black hair and a black moustache, seemed to giving lots of decisions against us. Eventually this got too much for one kid near to me on the kop, who leapt up and shouted, "F*ck off you Turkish-looking twat". That brought a few laughs to those around us.

 

[super_pig]

my mum (yes) took me to a game when i was a nipper vs Spurs.. martin peters lost control of the ball but the cheeky bastard turns to the ref and shouts ‘cownah’ to which my mum shouted ‘fuck off!’
everyone laughed but i was stunned my mum never swore in her life

 

[Billyblade]

Watching my Brothers team some years ago their RB was having an absolute mare.
All the team were chipping away at him until it got too much and he shouted loudly "Leave me alone, I've got problems!"
Expecting everyone to rally round he may have been a bit upset to find that everyone on the pitch, including the ref, just pissed theirselves laughing

 

[Inter_blade83]

There's only two Andy Goram's,
Two Andy Goram's

There really was...

 

[Klanger]

Leaving Wembley after our Burnley play off final defeat, it was almost all Blades fans, trudging down Wembley Way in silent misery, we could hear the Burnley euphoria coming from inside the stadium. A few yards across the way though, were a couple of their fans, a middle-aged guy and a female, large unit, no oil painting. Unfortunately she was expressing her joy massively.

The guy, correctly identifying that we were suffering a collective sense of humour failure, suggested that she mute her celebrations. “Why?” She wailed, “They aren’t going to come and hit me are they?”

To which the bloke in front responded “Well we’re certainly not going to come and fuck you love!” .....................

 

[Sharrow Snuff Mill]

Can`t remember the team or names involved, but a player in a Scottish league match came off the pitch, with the physio helping him, having suffered a bang on the head. The manager asked the physio what the situation was. The reply was that he was feeling groggy, and for the moment, didn`t know who he was. The manager`s response , " Tell him he`s Pele and get him back on ".

 

[DifferentClass]

Not very PC I know, but apparently Vince Hilaire used to tell the story on the after dinner circuit so I guess that makes it okay:

So Barry Silkman and another Palarse player (Rachid Harkouk I think) got nicked for forging banknotes in the 70s. Hilaire turned up for training and explained why they weren't there, to which Terry Venables replied:

"Bloody typical. Jews and Arabs fighting all over the world and I get the only two that get along."

 

[Brother-Leech]

Monty picks up the ball in attacking half having scored in one of the previous couple of games. The crowd shout “Shoot, Monty!”

The serial Monty hater a couple of seats to my right shouts “Yes. Shoot Monty!”

 

[Aycliffe Blade]

Little Billy Hodgson used to rip & get through 2 or 3 pairs of shorts every game & he riled opponents by hiding with the ball behind the referee.

 

[Alf Tuppers Shorts]

being a ref for a decade brought many witty moments
playing on the ground now utds academy once after a bad tackle on a tricky winger
the captain ran to me and said oi ref see that, their black twats just kicked our coloured player

was lost for words

and doing a ladies match doncaster belles v treeton ,
another comment , see that ref shes just kicked her in the clitoris
I had no idea what that was then, only just found one recently

I was thinking of becoming a ref after a bad ankle injury cut short my illustrious career as a hatchet man defender, i use to make vinnny jones look angelic
was ar birley road club and the refs were having a meeting
I met Keith Hackett and said Id half a mind of becoming a ref
He said thats all you need

Sunday morning game . Got a local ref that everyone knew was a bit of a drip. We were attacking and winger played ball against the defenders legs to gain a corner. Quite clear a corner and defending team chasing the game so their defender runs and gets the ball which had gone 15 yards or so. Comes back with the ball so the Ref says," Yes you've fetched the ball you can have a goal kick". Never seen 22 players all laughing at the same decision. Don't you just love refs.

 

[N20 Blade]

On the John street west terrace early nineties under Bassett.
Very dull game, very quiet and two blokes are talking earnestly about this girl one of them shagged the night before. It’s quite a forensic analysis of his carnal activity, lasting a good few minutes. It’s quite apparent that the majority of the terrace are listening and more transfixed by said story than the game. Having completed his green un style blow by blow account (literally) the other bloke, after a healthy pause replies ‘Fuck me I didn’t know our lass was such a dirty fucker, you jammy bastard’ at which point the entire terrace collapses in laughter. Happy days on the terrace west!!

 

[Sean Thornton]

Can`t remember the team or names involved, but a player in a Scottish league match came off the pitch, with the physio helping him, having suffered a bang on the head. The manager asked the physio what the situation was. The reply was that he was feeling groggy, and for the moment, didn`t know who he was. The manager`s response , " Tell him he`s Pele and get him back on ".

Big fat racist Ron claims that one.

 

[Tony]

Big Ron said that if he ever heard "Atkinson Out" from the Sty terraces he'd kick Dalian Atkinson out of the club. Even funnier when the Pigs got promoted under him to the top tier they were going to be as big as Newcastle and Manure. Honest! Problem was there was no Deludamol at that time.

 

[1889]

Not very PC but it was back in the 80’s.

I was playing Sunday morning football and the opposition had a winger who was deaf and dumb. He was a decent player and pretty nippy, so on this particular occasion, he’s got the ball and our right back lunges in and clatters him up into the air.
To everyone’s surprise the lad let out a really high pitch squeal. Quick as a flash our right back shouts ‘IT’S A MIRACLE’ the poor lads left laid out on the touch line, holding his shin, no doubt wondering what was so funny.

 

[blade too long]

Sunday morning game . Got a local ref that everyone knew was a bit of a drip. We were attacking and winger played ball against the defenders legs to gain a corner. Quite clear a corner and defending team chasing the game so their defender runs and gets the ball which had gone 15 yards or so. Comes back with the ball so the Ref says," Yes you've fetched the ball you can have a goal kick". Never seen 22 players all laughing at the same decision. Don't you just love refs.

Hardest thing on Sunday mornings being a ref was if it was raining and you were playing without nets , which occured a lot was if you were say on the wide edge of the penalty box and someone hit a snapshot was hard to see if it was just inside or just past the post, You went on reactions sometimes, some of the park pitches ,like concord and graves park were such steep slopes it was worth having 2 extra men kicking downhill.

 

[Isaw Joeshaw]

My old man's favourite story was about when him and a few mates were on the Kop at Everton in the '30's (no segregation then).

He told how a little Scouser in front of him kept turning round and giving him verbals to the point where , early in the second half he decided to do something about it . This something was to lob out his todger (and it was a good one I can tell you) , slip it in the blokes pocket and piss in it .

He told me that for the next few minutes the Scouser stood there in a cloud of steam and never said a word , either then or for the rest of the match .

 

[DifferentClass]

My old man's favourite story was about when him and a few mates were on the Kop at Everton in the '30's (no segregation then).

He told how a little Scouser in front of him kept turning round and giving him verbals to the point where , early in the second half he decided to do something about it . This something was to lob out his todger (and it was a good one I can tell you) , slip it in the blokes pocket and piss in it .

He told me that for the next few minutes the Scouser stood there in a cloud of steam and never said a word , either then or for the rest of the match .

I can only imagine how verbals in the 30s went:

Scouser: Oh I say, we Evertonians shall wallop you, la.
ISJS's dad: Sir, those are fighting words! I challenge you to a duel! pisses in scouser's pocket

 

[Alf Tuppers Shorts]

Talksport in its early days asking pro footballers funniest reason they had missed a game. Goalkeeper from Chesterfield phoned in cannot remember his name but on the Friday before a game he went to help his dad cut his grass. At the bottom of his garden he had a Electric Sub station surrounded by metal railings, just finished and holding on to the railings trying to shake off his wellies when his dad came up and whacked him with a shovel almost breaking his arm. He thought he was being electrocuted. Needless to say he had to phone and say hello could not play the following day.

 

[Sharrow Snuff Mill]

Big fat racist Ron claims that one.

I`m pretty sure it wasn`t him, but wouldn`t be too surprised if it was.

 

[awblade]

Hartlepool away a few years ago on a Tuesday night with Scott Flinders in their net.

Not sure who started it but basically whole away stand singing "Flinders licks winders, he licks them all day". Even got a laugh from Flinders himself

 

[Sean Thornton]

Hartlepool away a few years ago on a Tuesday night with Scott Flinders in their net.

Not sure who started it but basically whole away stand singing "Flinders licks winders, he licks them all day". Even got a laugh from Flinders himself

Blades Mad member at the time. Was it Kozzy_is_my_Dad ?

 

[8lade]

Posted this before but found it hilarious, told by the man himself on a footballers Come Dine With Me, which sadly wasn't on Youtube so here goes:

Thierry Henry had recently signed for Arsenal and they played Coventry, Henry came up against Carlton Palmer who couldn't do anything about him Henry just strode past him every time he got the ball. After the showers Palmer goes to Ron Atkinson the manager, 'here boss, out there today I couldn't do anything about Henry, I think I'm past it, I don't think I can do it at this level any more.'
Ron says, 'don't be rash Carlton, go away sleep on it, think about it over the weekend and we can talk on Monday.' So they go their separate ways Carlton has a think, sleeps on it and thinks the next day, 'maybe it wasn't so bad. I know I'll call my dad he's level headed and we can talk about what I should do.'
Carlton calls his dad on the phone, 'how are you dad?'
His dad was laughing 'I saw you on Match of the Day man, you're finished man! Finished!'

 

[Inter_blade83]

Away game a few years ago, chant goes up "Jose Baxter baby". As soon as it finishes, my stands up and shouts "Joseph Fritzls baby".

Use lots of laughter in the away end.

 

[Wapping Blade]

Leaving Wembley after our Burnley play off final defeat, it was almost all Blades fans, trudging down Wembley Way in silent misery, we could hear the Burnley euphoria coming from inside the stadium. A few yards across the way though, were a couple of their fans, a middle-aged guy and a female, large unit, no oil painting. Unfortunately she was expressing her joy massively.

The guy, correctly identifying that we were suffering a collective sense of humour failure, suggested that she mute her celebrations. “Why?” She wailed, “They aren’t going to come and hit me are they?”

To which the bloke in front responded “Well we’re certainly not going to come and fuck you love!” .....................

The only match I’ve ever left early. Pegged it back to Wembley Park, quick tube back to Canon’s Park and back on the A1 pronto.

 

[Elsecar_Blade]

Hartlepool away a few years ago on a Tuesday night with Scott Flinders in their net.

Not sure who started it but basically whole away stand singing "Flinders licks winders, he licks them all day". Even got a laugh from Flinders himself

Hartlepool in the JPT a couple of year later - Flinders was on the bench and their reserve keeper was in. Can't recall his name. "Flinders licks winders' ... but he's better than you!"