donny match on telly or mate's wedding?

[derrywan]

Right - I'm back in Sheffield for a wedding this saturday at Cutlers Hall. If it were your wedding, and you were good friends with my wife really more than me, would you care/ even notice if I were to excuse myself from the festivities for an hour or two to watch Blades match in a nearby boozer?

And a 2nd question, how soon before kick off should I tell my mrs that I'm off for a couple of hours? They're all her mates more than mine anyway ...

(n.b. it'll probably just be the speeches by kick off)

 

[Grecian2000]

Question 1. Probably won't be noticed by the Bride/Groom.

Question 2. About 2 minutes. "Just off to the bog dear, feeling a bit rough, might have got the shits coming on". Pop back at half time with tales of pebble dashing and stomach cramp, and use same excuse for second half.

 

[raul]

If you're staying over, announce you "don't feel well" around 4pm and degenerate thereafter. With a pained expression, run your hand gently across youer midriff and make reference to "that chicken/sauce/cheese/whatever". Bravely soldier on with your trying-to-enjoy-yourself-really face on and at some stage she'll ask if you want to go and have a lie down for a bit. Protest, but only the once, before succuming to your ailment and toddling off to your room. If she comes looking for you only to find the room devoid of infirm, tell her that you went for a walk round town to try and clear your head AFTER you'd been sick a couple of times. By 7 o'clock or whenever, everyone will be too hammered to care either way.

 

[derrywan]

this is good stuff.

 

[JohnDenver]

how soon before kick off should I tell my mrs that I'm off for a couple of hours?

My advice... About 2 hours after kick-off.

 

[FleaPitBlade]

If you suspect she may cotton on to you faking it - simply take a couple of rotting eggs and a kipper with you, in an airtight container.

When opened it will provide an ambience to any WC that clearly insinuates the occupant thereof has ‘The Shits’

 

[beechblade]

I'm at a wedding also in Sheffield, its my missus cousin and I don't know them much, I'm trying to hatch a plot myself.

 

[Highbury_Blade]

Given that it's in sheffield you might find that there are a few people who ordinarily would have gone to the game, and are probably thinking along the same lines as you as what to do.

 

[BornOnShorehamStreet]

Right - I'm back in Sheffield for a wedding this saturday at Cutlers Hall. If it were your wedding, and you were good friends with my wife really more than me, would you care/ even notice if I were to excuse myself from the festivities for an hour or two to watch Blades match in a nearby boozer?

And a 2nd question, how soon before kick off should I tell my mrs that I'm off for a couple of hours? They're all her mates more than mine anyway ...

(n.b. it'll probably just be the speeches by kick off)

You fallen out of love with your goolies or have you got a spare set for after she gives you the Bobbit treatment?

 

[derrywan]

You fallen out of love with your goolies or have you got a spare set for after she gives you the Bobbit treatment?

just stating the facts. I've been to almost 20 weddings in 3 years, and frankly can only differentiate them now by quality of food and extent of free booze. I think the fact that I'm going at all shows I'm not entirely reckless as to my reproductive health. Surely turning up and being in a couple of photos is all that should be expected in such circumstances? and eating the dinner of course.

 

[super_pig]

>I've been to almost 20 weddings in 3 years
i know how you feel mate.. .. bloody suit is about worn out.. there seems to be one every month.. say you're nipping out for a fag.. then found it that you'd run out.. had to go to the newsagent blah blah.. should get you 20 mins in.. in fact if it was me i'd be a bit more pro active.. i'd turn it around by saying 'i'm ONLY going (at all) if i am allowed to go and watch the game' when i feel like it.. you don't have to tell the bride and groom.. they'll not notice anyway

 

[SwissBlade]

Q1 - If the Groom is a Blade then he should be actively encouraging you to watch the game. If he's a pig, feck him.
Q2 - tell her you're off to the bar, get a double of what she normally drinks, get the rest of table one too and (this is important) get yourself a pint (or whatever you normally drink). Come back with drinks, give your lass a kiss on the cheek and tell her "just nipping to the toilet"

Come back 2 hours later claiming a dodgy tum

If she says she came looking for you, then tell her you nipped to the local garage to get some imodium and got caught short on the way back... hence popping into the pub as you couldn't hold it (if she asks)

 

[Oreyt]

If she says she came looking for you, then tell her you nipped to the local garage to get some imodium and got caught short on the way back... hence popping into the pub as you couldn't hold it (if she asks)

Or just poo yourself for total authenticity.

 

[Grecian2000]

Or just poo yourself for total authenticity.

Whilst admiring the thought, for genuine authenticity it would have to be very sloppy. Having the ability to produce such a packet to order is a skill indeed.

Don't forget to feign surprise when the result filters through after the event. A "bloody hell, I'd forgotten they were playing" always goes down well.

 

[LasVegasBlade]

super_pig said:

in fact if it was me i'd be a bit more pro active.. i'd turn it around by saying 'i'm ONLY going (at all) if i am allowed to go and watch the game' when i feel like it.. you don't have to tell the bride and groom.. they'll not notice anyway

Speaking from the distaff side, I have to agree with this one. If you've dutifully danced attendance on so many weddings (more stamina then me, for sure - 20 in three months sounds like torture!) - then tell your wife the truth.

You want to watch the match and you don't believe the bride and groom will mind. You'll be back before the last keg runs dry.

I love some of the plans being forwarded (very clever), but that old adage of 'what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive' holds very true, especially when lying to one's spouse. There's no benefit to it.

 

[Grecian2000]

then tell your wife the truth

Jeez, that's a novel way out. Never even crossed my mind that one.

 

[2ndtenorblade]

I guess I must have been lucky in love. My dear wife (god bless her) would have come to the pub to watch it with me. My girlfriend would accept "Im going to the pub bye" with a "hope you win".

 

[Bayingblade]

Given the timing of the match you could say "hey love, I know how much you love the X factor so I don't mind if you want to sneak off for a couple of hours to watch it, I'll keep myself amused"

The present Mrs BB even suggested I go to the pub when said program comes on and she doesn't even know the match is on!!!

And being the good, loving husband that I am, I will take her advice.

 

[Linz]

Foxy and I are probably not in attendance at Donny on Saturday.

We could don a couple of balaclavas, get hold of some flashbangs and stage a kidnapping if you really want to absolve yourself of any blame. We'll go to a boozer, sink a few and then drop you back off saying we got the wrong fella (it was the other shifty looking bloke we were after!)

 

[SwissBlade]

Or just poo yourself for total authenticity.

What and ruin a perfectly good suit for the night do? (unless he's part of the wedding party it'll be his own whistle, the cost of dry cleaning a suit ain't cheap for that stuff)

 

[broomhillblade]

Best to tell the truth. If you disappear for a while your Mrs. might think you've been having it away with one of the bridesmaids (although two hours would suggest remarkable stamina).

 

[sitwell]

900 sold this afternoon ,cost me 50 quid for me and our young un, what a rip off.

 

[Stafford Blade]

go watch the match and drink stupid amounts during the 90 minutes. Then go back to the wedding, make no excuse for going AWOL make a complete twat of yourself at the evening doo and try and chat up anything looking remotely single in a skirt.

sunday morning breakfast would then be much more interesting

 

[judge]

just get bladdered early on ,your lass will be glad to get shut of you for two hours to go and watch the match

 

[Linz]

So, get pissed or shit yourself... the choice is yours

 

[metty]

A tenuous link I know but..... In the late eighties my best mate got married on a Sauturday afternoon at Chesterfield Registar Office and I was best man/witness. We had the reception at the Fox on Robin Lane at Beighton or rather should I say the bride and the rest of the wedding party did. Me and the groom went to the Lane. Top Blade

 

[raul]

Metty's av > Torrix's. Discuss.

 

[bricktop]

A couple of years ago, i went to my mates wedding in Leeds, he is a big Leeds fan, follows them home and away. As luck would have it the play off final was the day after his wedding and going down for breakfast at 8am, he was sat with his newlywed wife, and disgusted looks from from all as was going to Wembley instead of entertaining the in-laws.

Funnily enough he managed to spend 2 months longer married to his wife than i did mine!

 

[metty]

Metty's av > Torrix's. Discuss.

We both like the finer things in life

 

[derrywan]

So, get pissed or shit yourself... the choice is yours

Why not both? Or indeed piss myself as well. I wasn't expecting the strong support for having the shits as an excuse. Interesting cross section of people you lot. If a bit fond of shit.

Last wedding I went to at cutlers hall (mine) there was another wedding reception at same time which literally ended with blood on the Walls after the groom was caught inside the bridesmaid/ his new sister in law in a toilet cubicle. There was a man in need of an excuse.