Sean the Blade
Member
The city of Sheffield reeled in the wake of the announcement that Lee Strafford has stepped down from his post at Sheffield Wednesday. Radio Sheffield’s Toby Foster commented “This is a massive blow to the comedy circuit, local comics relied upon Lee’s constant rhetoric for the bulk of their material, we haven’t been hit this hard since Tony Capstick passed away”
Bobby Knutt was seen leaving his house, with tears streaming down his face “I’ve not laughed so much since my granny died” he grinned. He did highlight a serious side to this development “We all know Lee has fought a life long battle against the pies, and now he finds himself out of work he has two choices, he can either spiral downwards into a pastry filled chasm, or, he can knuckle down, tighten his gastric band, and get on with finding another business to destroy”
Local police are well aware of the dangers that may be associated with Strafford’s departure from the football club “Pie addiction can be a very serious matter, and in Lee’s case it is all consuming. We are putting on extra patrols on, in the Parsons Cross area of the city, over the next few months, in anticipation of an increase in pie related crime. We are issuing advice to local residents, asking them to take extra care when locking doors, windows and outbuildings. We are particularly focussing on people leaving pies on the window sill to cool; previous issues of the Beano and the Dandy make it quite clear that such an inviting target can be irresistible to the determined pie addict.”
Lee is also notorious for his rhetoric, public outbursts, criticism and praise of local fans, and incessant rambling about season tickets, using any public platform. He has sought help for this constant mouthing off, with support group On-And-On Anon. A spokeswoman said “Lee has been rather quiet over the last 24 hours, but that may be because he hasn’t stopped eating, the only noise we hear from him is a strange creaking and twanging noise from his abdomen, which we’re at a loss to explain”.
*********BREAKING NEWS********************
A security incident has sparked an evacuation of Meadowhall shopping centre; an explosion has apparently devastated the Oasis area of the mall. Our man on the scene interviewed a spotty faced, blubber covered fast food employee “YOU DON’T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN’T THERE!”
“I know, that’s why I’m asking you”
“Well man, Lee was sat there, tucking in to a minced steak and onion family size, when there was this almighty TWANG, I can only think it was his gastric band that gave way. Then he just… he just, it was like when Roy Sneider shot the gas cylinder in the shark’s mouth in Jaws man!”
Emergency services were on the scene within minutes, resources were stretched to the limit as it called for ALL the king’s horses AND all the king’s men, but unfortunately they couldn’t put Strafford together again. Updates as they arise…
Bobby Knutt was seen leaving his house, with tears streaming down his face “I’ve not laughed so much since my granny died” he grinned. He did highlight a serious side to this development “We all know Lee has fought a life long battle against the pies, and now he finds himself out of work he has two choices, he can either spiral downwards into a pastry filled chasm, or, he can knuckle down, tighten his gastric band, and get on with finding another business to destroy”
Local police are well aware of the dangers that may be associated with Strafford’s departure from the football club “Pie addiction can be a very serious matter, and in Lee’s case it is all consuming. We are putting on extra patrols on, in the Parsons Cross area of the city, over the next few months, in anticipation of an increase in pie related crime. We are issuing advice to local residents, asking them to take extra care when locking doors, windows and outbuildings. We are particularly focussing on people leaving pies on the window sill to cool; previous issues of the Beano and the Dandy make it quite clear that such an inviting target can be irresistible to the determined pie addict.”
Lee is also notorious for his rhetoric, public outbursts, criticism and praise of local fans, and incessant rambling about season tickets, using any public platform. He has sought help for this constant mouthing off, with support group On-And-On Anon. A spokeswoman said “Lee has been rather quiet over the last 24 hours, but that may be because he hasn’t stopped eating, the only noise we hear from him is a strange creaking and twanging noise from his abdomen, which we’re at a loss to explain”.
*********BREAKING NEWS********************
A security incident has sparked an evacuation of Meadowhall shopping centre; an explosion has apparently devastated the Oasis area of the mall. Our man on the scene interviewed a spotty faced, blubber covered fast food employee “YOU DON’T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN’T THERE!”
“I know, that’s why I’m asking you”
“Well man, Lee was sat there, tucking in to a minced steak and onion family size, when there was this almighty TWANG, I can only think it was his gastric band that gave way. Then he just… he just, it was like when Roy Sneider shot the gas cylinder in the shark’s mouth in Jaws man!”
Emergency services were on the scene within minutes, resources were stretched to the limit as it called for ALL the king’s horses AND all the king’s men, but unfortunately they couldn’t put Strafford together again. Updates as they arise…
