I think we will leak a couple of names of decent targets, table ludicrously inadequate bids way below market value - and then claim we did everything possible to bring the players in. And then we will bring in a couple of unknowns from Dumbarton reserves and Derby County U15's.
Game changing.
This. ^
All sorts of half-rumours, Phipps-spin and blatant cock-waving.
Everyone - make sure Wikipedia is tagged as a favourite in your menu. You'll be needing it.
"Barry Oddnob? Who's he?"
*fires up Wikipedia*
"
Barry Oddnob
Barry Oddnob is a 32 year-old central midfielder, recently signed for League One outfit Sheffield United
Oddnob started his career as a YTS trainee for Cleethorpes Athletic. The team signed him as a semi-professional after coach Mick Twatflap saw him playing keepy-uppy during a lunchtime break from his job at Cliffs Tyre and Exhaust (special offers) in 1991.
Oddnob played 18 games for Athletic in the North Lincolnshire Lillet League scoring one goal, unfortunately a header that rebounded off his melon into his own net as goalkeeper Mick Meatus booted the ball clear following a corner. Athletic were suspended from the Lillet Legaue when treasurer Steve Areolae ran off with kitman Terence Terry's wife and £60 of the club funds, putting Athletic into receivership.
Oddnob was then snapped up by Hessle FC as substitute lino, running the line for 80 senior pro matches. His highlights included an iffy 'active play' offside decision in the game versus Flixborough Angels which kept the score down to 8-0 to the Angels. Oddnob resigned from his position, 'fuckin' fucked off with this fuckin' palavor!' He moved to Worksop after his mate Dangerous Des offered him a job delivering pop. Oddnob still has his lino's hanky.
Whilst in Worksop drinking in the now burned down Angry Cock pub, Oddnob was offered a position as box-to-box gameplaying midfield dynamo for the pub's struggling football team. It was thought that Oddnob's aggressive, often drunk style would fit in well with the rest of the municipal park-style cloggers. Besides, the only other midfielder was now pregnant. Oddnob played his first game for the Cocks against The Blue Ball pub, with the Balls beating the Cocks 2-1. Eight players were sent off in the game, including the landlord of the Cocks. Oddnob played eighty games for the Cocks, before being spotted by South Yorkshire Conference side Nahden United whose coach, Sid Phyllis saw great potential in Oddnob. In his debut against Oreyt Borough, Oddnob scored his first career goal, a 65 yard clearance which was picked up by the blustery conditions at Concord Park, carrying the ball upwards, rebounding it off the fuselage of a passing Airbus and down into Oreyt's net. That season, Nahden narrowly emerged as champions and promoted from the two-team league, upward to the Sheffield and Hallamshire Regional Borough County League, with Oreyt as runners up.
In his ten games for Nahden, Oddnob scored twice, was sent off three times and substituted twice. He also ran off the edge of the pitch into a bush once and was not seen for the remaining eighteen minutes of the first half, only noticed when the ref did a head count on kick off. Of his two goals, one of them was a penalty. A severe tackle by Deepcar Dynamos fullback Ryan Bryan left Oddnob with a bruised pirenium, ruling him out for much of the remainder of the season. Without a contract, and unable to piss without a wince, Oddnob left on a Bosman.
At the start of the 2012-13 season, Oddnob found himself back at his old club Hessle. The club was shut that day mind, so he went to the pub. In there just having a slash was Sheffield United assistant coach Chris Morgan, whom Oddnob had changed the front offside tyre on his Bentley for back in 2003. Chris recognised Oddnob (mistakenly, he thought he'd laid him out in a West Street prick's emporium bar for looking at his missus) Anyway, the two got talking and exchanged mobile phone numbers.
Nothing happened much for a few months, so Oddnob moved to Sheffield to fit tyres for an Asian bloke called Ali's lock up (Ali's Asian Attercliffe Tyres) in Handsworth. Whilst playing for Alis Asian Tyres in the Attercliffe and Handsworth Sunday League, his ability came to the attention of League One Sheffield United and he was signed for an undisclosed fee on 31 Jan 2015 at 10:30pm, after Nigel Clough's rumoured bid to lure Cesc Fabregas from Chelsea collapsed. Oddnob will fill the vacant shirt left by departing teenager Louis Reed who was sold to Manchester City for an undisclosed fee. Oddnob's arrival was met with huge joy from the Blades fans, who threw their shoes at the Cherry Street boardroom windows in jubilation, shouting "McCabe is our saviour!" and "What a great board we have here at happy Sheffield United!" and "We're gonna win fuck all!""
pommpey
