Sean the Blade
Member
Kevin McCabe has, in a break from tradition, released his clubs plans for the squad in the coming season. Speaking, with his fingers crossed behind his back, outside the club shop, in front of a ‘SALE NOW ON’ sign, today, McCabe lied “As I’m sure you are all aware, we at Sheffield United are an ambitious club, we are also a modern club, and we are facing difficult financial times. As a result we are going to take an innovative direction next season.” McCabe’s double glazing salesman smile catches the light of the gathered photographer, as he changes in to the sparkly game show host jacket “Yes folks this closed season I am going to sell every, yes EVERY player on our books, except the donkeys, and Ched Evans” The gathered crowd of two reporters, and a Jack Russell, gasp “I know this is a bold move, but this is revolution, not evolution”
“So you’re going to rely on loan players?”
“No, the money we raise by the sale of our squad will be, as father Ted put it, ‘resting’ in my off-shore savings account, and we will start the season with a team of Ched up front and Morgs as the back-one, and Monty on the bench”
“But you are supposed to field a team of eleven Mr McCabe”
“Correct, but as you all know, Morgs is ‘ten men’, so Morgs plus Ched is eleven. In fact I’m expecting a communication from the league because last season we fielded Morgs and another ten men for the majority of our league games, so effectively we played with twenty men! So there”
“What about the goalkeeping situation?”
“I was in Rotherham last week, and I can categorically deny that we have any interest in Andy Warrington. I was in fact visiting Howard Webb’s mum; she has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the laws of the game, after preparing Howard for his refereeing exams. I have consulted her, in depth, with regard to the ‘goalie when needed’ rule, and, it is still acceptable in the professional game, so either Ched or Morgs can fill-in between the sticks when they are needed”
“How are you preparing the ‘squad’?”
“I’ll have to hand you over to Blackie for that, he’s in charge of training, Kev…”
“Well it’s simple really, we just increase Morgs’ raw meat intake as we get closer to the season start, then we get him on the training pitch daily, strap a pole his head and dangle a picture of Iain Hume from it, then release him. That keeps him chasing round for a few hours, then we just corral him in to one of the goals, untie the picture and let him have it to rip up. Ched is a different matter. We anticipate him doing most of the running, and we accept it will be difficult for him to beat ten men for ninety minutes. So we bought a bunch of fake Rolex watches, and some shiny costume jewellery from Primark. We dress him in one of the Rolexes and a chunky chain, then set him off on a run from Ecclesfield through Parsons Cross, and pick him up on Halifax road. If he can get along that route without being mugged, robbed, murdered or raped, it’s a good session. His times have been improving steadily, the biggest improvement coming after he was gang raped outside the shops on Chaucer Road.”
“What incentives are there for you and the team Kev?”
“Well, we know it is going to be a long hard season, but Mr McCabe has promised me that we will get new singings throughout the season, based on our results. If we start poorly, there will be no more players coming in to the club, it is a case of points mean players, so Morgs and Ched are going to have to work hard to get some results otherwise it will be a long and lonely season”
“A question to you again Mr McCabe, What about season ticket sales?”
“We’ve done all we can to con, con, con...vince people to renew their tickets, and I am astonished how gullible Blades’ fans are, once again they have turned up in their thousands and they can take pride in paying the ground rent for my holiday villa for another year”
“Isn’t relegation going to be a risk?”
“Definitely, but every cloud has a silver lining. We are a family club, and what could better than a day out in, say, Brighton or Southend, or a weekend in Torquay, along with a game of football, so relegation shouldn’t necessarily be seen as a step backwards, simply making our club more family friendly”
“Mr McCabe, Mr McCabe…”
“I’m very sorry, I’ve got some books on a low heat that I have to see to, so if you’ll excuse me. If you need any further information, see my E-bay shop”
“So you’re going to rely on loan players?”
“No, the money we raise by the sale of our squad will be, as father Ted put it, ‘resting’ in my off-shore savings account, and we will start the season with a team of Ched up front and Morgs as the back-one, and Monty on the bench”
“But you are supposed to field a team of eleven Mr McCabe”
“Correct, but as you all know, Morgs is ‘ten men’, so Morgs plus Ched is eleven. In fact I’m expecting a communication from the league because last season we fielded Morgs and another ten men for the majority of our league games, so effectively we played with twenty men! So there”
“What about the goalkeeping situation?”
“I was in Rotherham last week, and I can categorically deny that we have any interest in Andy Warrington. I was in fact visiting Howard Webb’s mum; she has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the laws of the game, after preparing Howard for his refereeing exams. I have consulted her, in depth, with regard to the ‘goalie when needed’ rule, and, it is still acceptable in the professional game, so either Ched or Morgs can fill-in between the sticks when they are needed”
“How are you preparing the ‘squad’?”
“I’ll have to hand you over to Blackie for that, he’s in charge of training, Kev…”
“Well it’s simple really, we just increase Morgs’ raw meat intake as we get closer to the season start, then we get him on the training pitch daily, strap a pole his head and dangle a picture of Iain Hume from it, then release him. That keeps him chasing round for a few hours, then we just corral him in to one of the goals, untie the picture and let him have it to rip up. Ched is a different matter. We anticipate him doing most of the running, and we accept it will be difficult for him to beat ten men for ninety minutes. So we bought a bunch of fake Rolex watches, and some shiny costume jewellery from Primark. We dress him in one of the Rolexes and a chunky chain, then set him off on a run from Ecclesfield through Parsons Cross, and pick him up on Halifax road. If he can get along that route without being mugged, robbed, murdered or raped, it’s a good session. His times have been improving steadily, the biggest improvement coming after he was gang raped outside the shops on Chaucer Road.”
“What incentives are there for you and the team Kev?”
“Well, we know it is going to be a long hard season, but Mr McCabe has promised me that we will get new singings throughout the season, based on our results. If we start poorly, there will be no more players coming in to the club, it is a case of points mean players, so Morgs and Ched are going to have to work hard to get some results otherwise it will be a long and lonely season”
“A question to you again Mr McCabe, What about season ticket sales?”
“We’ve done all we can to con, con, con...vince people to renew their tickets, and I am astonished how gullible Blades’ fans are, once again they have turned up in their thousands and they can take pride in paying the ground rent for my holiday villa for another year”
“Isn’t relegation going to be a risk?”
“Definitely, but every cloud has a silver lining. We are a family club, and what could better than a day out in, say, Brighton or Southend, or a weekend in Torquay, along with a game of football, so relegation shouldn’t necessarily be seen as a step backwards, simply making our club more family friendly”
“Mr McCabe, Mr McCabe…”
“I’m very sorry, I’ve got some books on a low heat that I have to see to, so if you’ll excuse me. If you need any further information, see my E-bay shop”
........ is that a joke?
