Sean the Blade
Member
“BOSS! BOSS! L-look at this!” Howard’s secretary nervously, with shaking hands, handed the gold trimmed envelope to him; the postmark was the Vatican City.
“Have you got an audience with the Pope?”
“Dunno, if you check them DVD’s in the box it might be there, I know I’ve got the Billy Connolly and Victoria Wood ones…”
“No, your letter, is it an invite to an audience with his holiness?”
“I dunno, I’ve not read it yet, if it is I hope it’s better than that Ken Dodd one, he went on for ever!”
Howard studiously read the letter “Well blow me!” said Howard, the secretary blushed “Not that Monica, the Pope wants to hold an outside mass, here in Britain, and one of the proposed venues is Hillsborough!”
“Wha…”
“We’re going to need some help, I’m not a catholic, get Strafford on the phone”
“But he’s C of E!”
“I know, but he’s spent plenty of time on ‘The Cross’. Tell Dave Allen as well, he’s been playing God, well, this fella is best mates with God!”
The nation’s press were packed into the car park portakabin, camera shutters clicked as flashes illuminated the three empty chairs, behind them a hastily erected Sheffield crest. The activity intensified as Howard, Strafford and… Kevin McCabe took their seats.
Howard addressed the reporters “Good afternoon everyone, thank you for coming. Your briefing pack tells you all about the proposed visit of his holiness. We at Sheffield Wednesday are in need of a miracle, and the financial injection this, possible, visit may bring could be that miracle. But, this is a bid for SHEFFIELD, not just Hillsborough, so we have, in the sprit of unity, invited Mr McCabe to help us with our bid, Kevin”
“Thank you Howard. This could be a momentous occasion for OUR city, this could be the start of a very prosperous relationship. Sheffield United already has strong Italian links, I have a holiday Villa there, one of my yachts is moored there and all my suits are made there. But there are opportunities for development. When I see St Peter’s square I have a vision. I have a vision of a Hotel, luxury apartments, retail outlets, fast food chains…”
“Thank you Kevin” Strafford interjected “We have submitted a comprehensive bid to the Vatican selection team and we’re waiting to hear the verdict, but key to this bid is ticket sales. It is imperative that the people of Sheffield get together and back this bid, we need the ticket deposits to make the necessary improvements to the stadium, for once we REALLY DO hope the flood gates open at Hillsborough”
A Journalist stood “Question! Who is going to pay for policing this event, can South Yorkshire Police cope?”
“There will be zero cost to the local or national tax payer, his holiness will be bring his own team of Swiss Guards to cater for security”
“So we will see the guards in all their colourful glory?”
“Err, yes and no. They will be wearing their famous uniforms, but they will be covered by our stewards’ match day hi-visibility match day coats, and of course, hard hats”
The colourful crowd cheered as the Pope-tram swept into Hillsborough tram stop, as the doors opened a young boy and girl, both decked in Wednesday and United gear stepped forward and presented the Pope with a bouquet. He placed a hand on their heads and blessed them, as they walked away the boy said “I’ve been touched by the Pope!”
“No-one will believe you” said the little girl “My daddy was touched by a priest and no-one believed HIM”
Both club shops were doing a roaring trade in re-pope-li-kits, with the name Benedict and the numeral XVI on the back, despite the late delivery at Bramall Lane.
The crowd fell silent as the Pope spoke “I will now perform THREE miracles” He turned to Howard “What miracle would you like me to perform?” Asked his holiness.
“I just want this club to be debt free”
“I am a man of great influence and power, your club WILL be debt free by Monday!”
He turned to Lee Strafford “Your miracle heir Strafford?”
“If I’m honest, I just want Sheffield Wednesday to be the massive-est club in the world” The pope prayed, and prayed, and prayed “If your faith is strong and your heart is true, by tomorrow your team will be the largest” he turned to Howard “and most solvent, club in the world” The crowd cheered.
The Pope turned to McCabe “Your miracle?”
“All I want is to see Strafford run naked round this stadium, if he does, I’ll invest every penny I have in this club, making it the largest, most solvent club in the world”
Immediately Strafford rips off his clothes and begins jogging around the stadium. McCabe leans towards Howard “How old is Lee?”
“43”
“And he still believes in miracles!?”
“Have you got an audience with the Pope?”
“Dunno, if you check them DVD’s in the box it might be there, I know I’ve got the Billy Connolly and Victoria Wood ones…”
“No, your letter, is it an invite to an audience with his holiness?”
“I dunno, I’ve not read it yet, if it is I hope it’s better than that Ken Dodd one, he went on for ever!”
Howard studiously read the letter “Well blow me!” said Howard, the secretary blushed “Not that Monica, the Pope wants to hold an outside mass, here in Britain, and one of the proposed venues is Hillsborough!”
“Wha…”
“We’re going to need some help, I’m not a catholic, get Strafford on the phone”
“But he’s C of E!”
“I know, but he’s spent plenty of time on ‘The Cross’. Tell Dave Allen as well, he’s been playing God, well, this fella is best mates with God!”
The nation’s press were packed into the car park portakabin, camera shutters clicked as flashes illuminated the three empty chairs, behind them a hastily erected Sheffield crest. The activity intensified as Howard, Strafford and… Kevin McCabe took their seats.
Howard addressed the reporters “Good afternoon everyone, thank you for coming. Your briefing pack tells you all about the proposed visit of his holiness. We at Sheffield Wednesday are in need of a miracle, and the financial injection this, possible, visit may bring could be that miracle. But, this is a bid for SHEFFIELD, not just Hillsborough, so we have, in the sprit of unity, invited Mr McCabe to help us with our bid, Kevin”
“Thank you Howard. This could be a momentous occasion for OUR city, this could be the start of a very prosperous relationship. Sheffield United already has strong Italian links, I have a holiday Villa there, one of my yachts is moored there and all my suits are made there. But there are opportunities for development. When I see St Peter’s square I have a vision. I have a vision of a Hotel, luxury apartments, retail outlets, fast food chains…”
“Thank you Kevin” Strafford interjected “We have submitted a comprehensive bid to the Vatican selection team and we’re waiting to hear the verdict, but key to this bid is ticket sales. It is imperative that the people of Sheffield get together and back this bid, we need the ticket deposits to make the necessary improvements to the stadium, for once we REALLY DO hope the flood gates open at Hillsborough”
A Journalist stood “Question! Who is going to pay for policing this event, can South Yorkshire Police cope?”
“There will be zero cost to the local or national tax payer, his holiness will be bring his own team of Swiss Guards to cater for security”
“So we will see the guards in all their colourful glory?”
“Err, yes and no. They will be wearing their famous uniforms, but they will be covered by our stewards’ match day hi-visibility match day coats, and of course, hard hats”
The colourful crowd cheered as the Pope-tram swept into Hillsborough tram stop, as the doors opened a young boy and girl, both decked in Wednesday and United gear stepped forward and presented the Pope with a bouquet. He placed a hand on their heads and blessed them, as they walked away the boy said “I’ve been touched by the Pope!”
“No-one will believe you” said the little girl “My daddy was touched by a priest and no-one believed HIM”
Both club shops were doing a roaring trade in re-pope-li-kits, with the name Benedict and the numeral XVI on the back, despite the late delivery at Bramall Lane.
The crowd fell silent as the Pope spoke “I will now perform THREE miracles” He turned to Howard “What miracle would you like me to perform?” Asked his holiness.
“I just want this club to be debt free”
“I am a man of great influence and power, your club WILL be debt free by Monday!”
He turned to Lee Strafford “Your miracle heir Strafford?”
“If I’m honest, I just want Sheffield Wednesday to be the massive-est club in the world” The pope prayed, and prayed, and prayed “If your faith is strong and your heart is true, by tomorrow your team will be the largest” he turned to Howard “and most solvent, club in the world” The crowd cheered.
The Pope turned to McCabe “Your miracle?”
“All I want is to see Strafford run naked round this stadium, if he does, I’ll invest every penny I have in this club, making it the largest, most solvent club in the world”
Immediately Strafford rips off his clothes and begins jogging around the stadium. McCabe leans towards Howard “How old is Lee?”
“43”
“And he still believes in miracles!?”
