Sheffield United on Dragons Den

[Bladepicker]

That fat lass on the end needs to spend some of her millions on her finger nails , they look like some chavs off Stradbroke. Theres a few dozen Chinese nail shops in Worksop next to all the pound shops if she cant find one.

Sarah Willingham?

Definitely would.

 

[wizadry]

KM - Good Morning everyone, my name's Kevin, I'm Co-Chairman of Sheffield United and I'd like £30'000'000 for a 10& stake in the club.

Sarah Willingham - Hi Kevin. How do you explain your astonishing turnover of managers during your tenure?

KM - Sarah is it? You must be Toukers P.A, Coffee, white, two sugars please sweetheart.

Nick Jenkins - My speciality is the Online world, if I was to invest the money, what improvements would you make in this area?

KM - Well Nick, at the moment we have a Drinking Bird hitting random keys for the ticket booking, all it costs is a bit of water to top up it's cup. If I get the money I'd be willing to buy a 2nd bird.

Touker Suleyman - Kevin, you say you are Co-Chairman. Who is the other party involved?

KM - Morning Touker, any reason why Sarah is still sat there and not getting my coffee? I've been sitting on a fucking Megabus for 6 hours next to someone who is going to the fucking X Factor auditions. The worst part is it's one of those "joke" ones, she says she's 35, course she is, in a pink dralon suit, baseball cap on the wrong way round, and fucking mirrored sunglasses. Touker, it's as dark as a David Lynch script and it's been pissing it down all the way so why the fuck is she wearing them? Anyway, chop chop Sarah, my throats as dry as a Saudi Toilet roll. Speaking of Saudi Toilet Rolls, I've copped for the only skint Saudi in existence. Not so much a sleeping partner, this ones got fucking Narcolepsy.

Peter Jones - Kevin, slowly but surely, you have sold your better assets and replaced them with gradually worse ones. Why should I invest?

KM - Gradually worse? Fucks sake Peter I bought Dean Hammond, I haven't spent that much since I bought a Costa Coffee and a Cheese & Ham Panini in Brussels Airport.

Deborah Meaden - You always say there's no bigger Blade than you, but Mark Labett is quite a bit bigger than you isn't he?

KM - Morning Debs, Mrs Mcabe loved you on Strictly, to be honest I thought you had all the grace and movement of a Wardrobe falling off a cliff, how's your Coffee making? Looks like I'm going to get fuck all out of Sarah, you really need to sort her out Touker.

The Dragons - Fuck this, we're out.

I can't believe all the Dragons were out after this pitch, it was really well put by our Kev.

 

[sitwell]

Sarah Willingham?

Definitely would.

You would struggle in a Fiat

 

[Bladepicker]

You would struggle in a Fiat

Thankfully I drive an estate these days

 

[sitwell]

Thankfully I drive an estate these days

Whereas she lives on one

 

[Bladepicker]

Whereas she lives on one

So do I! But I'm guessing hers isn't a load of 2 and 3 bed new builds next to social housing

 

[Gimli]

That's an easy one Debbie, you obviously don't know about football.
Assets is a loose term, player valuations are like the stock market, constantly fluctuating and sometimes not based on the here and now but potential of what might happen in 3 or 4 years time.

Sheff United are currently in league 1 so don't have the finances to take risks and gamble on the future.
The fanbase want and expect promotion THIS SEASON so we focus on improving the squad for THIS SEASON.
We've recently brought in over 3 million on 2 young players but neither were first team regulars so the squad is actually much improved since these sales.

Ah yes thanks for clearing that one up Kevin, and how has this policy worked out for you over the last 10 years?