Sean the Blade
Member
Jarvis and Eli planted their elbows on the parapet of the Metropolitan Centre car park and gazed out at the post industrial landscape, tracing the streetlights of Pontefract Road until their eyes rested upon Oakwell football stadium, hiding sheepishly behind the dawn haze of smouldering stolen cars.
“Tha can see Oakwell from ‘ere” said Jarvis
“I should bloomin ‘ope so, cos tha can see Oakwell dahn theer!” Eli pointed at Jumble Lane crossing fifty feet below “Yer grett balm-pot. Are tha gooin ter’t Yoo-neye-ted match?”
“Dunno, our lass sez she wants some new shoes, sez she wants sum posh uns… Jimmy Choos”
“Tha wants ter tell ‘er, if tha dun’t get ter’t match she’ll be lucky ter gerra pair er penny chews!”
“Ahhh, I can’t argue wi our lass”
“Why not? Tha’s man er’t ‘ouse aren’t tha?”
“Oh aye, but she’s bigger than me, an’ if she sez it’s Friday, it’s bloomin Friday!”
“So tha not gooin ter see’t big banner unferled then?”
“Doubt it”
“Ahl tell thi what, why dun’t tha tek ‘er ter Medderall an’ leave ‘er in one er’t posh shops fer a couple of hours while tha goes ter’t match”
“That’s a reyt idea that Eli, I’ve ‘eard stories that there’s a Primark in theer that’s big enough ter get lost in!”
“I’ll meet thi at Trackies at eleven then?”
“Bus!? We’ll push boat aht, an goo on’t train!”
“Why are yoo pair tekkin thi snap tins and dudlies ter Madderall?” asked Eli’s wife, suspicion in her eyes.
“In case we get ‘ungry Doris” Offered Jarvis.
“Aye flower” said Eli “we’re not gunna pay Madderall prices fer that foreign muck”
“Yoo two are up ter summat, that snap tackle ‘asn’t seen light of day since yer last worked in 1987, same as yer chuffin redundancy money… Well let me tell thi, if thi snap tin’s avin a day aht, so’s thi money” Eli gulped.
The foursome toured the shopping mall, awestruck, they dared each other to ride the escalators “They should ave these at Wath feast!” cried Jarvis as he was hauled to the first floor.
As two-o-clock approached Eli suggested they have a look around Primark “Well, I’ll tell thi what ladies, yoo loook rahnd Primark, an’ me an’ Jarv’ll goo an ave a look at some fishin tackle, we’ll meet thi in’t Oasis at half five eh, an’ we’ll even treat thi to a cuppa”
As the referee blew his whistle and drew a veil over the game, Jarvis and Eli took to their feet in the South Stand of Bramall Lane and peered towards the away stand, anticipating the unfurling of the great banner. Suddenly all eyes were on two men in the crowd, struggling to get a bundle from a Lidl carrier bag.
Then they began to unroll a pair of large ladies Evans knickers revealing a skid mark that bore a stunning resemblance to Billy Casper, and ‘Sithi’ scrawled in green crayon. “Look at the size er them clarts!” exclaimed Jarvis. As the hem was unwound the legend ‘Doris’ in shaky lettering was revealed “Eli!” yelled Jarvis “They’re not your l….?”
“Aye, they are, our lass ad an ‘accident’ after a night on’t Magnet, she asked me ter throw em away, but that skidder were just class, I spotted it!”
“She’ll kill thi”
“Only if she finds aht!”
As Jarvis and Eli walked down the High Street towards the Oasis, they spied their spouses sat beside a mountain of Primark bags watching the news headlines on the massive TV screen. The Oasis hushed as Look North’s Harry Gration addressed the camera “And, memorable scenes at Bramall lane today as a massive pair of soiled pants, belonging to someone called Doris, were unveiled by the Barnsley faithful….”
“ELIIIII!!!!!!”
“Tha can see Oakwell from ‘ere” said Jarvis
“I should bloomin ‘ope so, cos tha can see Oakwell dahn theer!” Eli pointed at Jumble Lane crossing fifty feet below “Yer grett balm-pot. Are tha gooin ter’t Yoo-neye-ted match?”
“Dunno, our lass sez she wants some new shoes, sez she wants sum posh uns… Jimmy Choos”
“Tha wants ter tell ‘er, if tha dun’t get ter’t match she’ll be lucky ter gerra pair er penny chews!”
“Ahhh, I can’t argue wi our lass”
“Why not? Tha’s man er’t ‘ouse aren’t tha?”
“Oh aye, but she’s bigger than me, an’ if she sez it’s Friday, it’s bloomin Friday!”
“So tha not gooin ter see’t big banner unferled then?”
“Doubt it”
“Ahl tell thi what, why dun’t tha tek ‘er ter Medderall an’ leave ‘er in one er’t posh shops fer a couple of hours while tha goes ter’t match”
“That’s a reyt idea that Eli, I’ve ‘eard stories that there’s a Primark in theer that’s big enough ter get lost in!”
“I’ll meet thi at Trackies at eleven then?”
“Bus!? We’ll push boat aht, an goo on’t train!”
“Why are yoo pair tekkin thi snap tins and dudlies ter Madderall?” asked Eli’s wife, suspicion in her eyes.
“In case we get ‘ungry Doris” Offered Jarvis.
“Aye flower” said Eli “we’re not gunna pay Madderall prices fer that foreign muck”
“Yoo two are up ter summat, that snap tackle ‘asn’t seen light of day since yer last worked in 1987, same as yer chuffin redundancy money… Well let me tell thi, if thi snap tin’s avin a day aht, so’s thi money” Eli gulped.
The foursome toured the shopping mall, awestruck, they dared each other to ride the escalators “They should ave these at Wath feast!” cried Jarvis as he was hauled to the first floor.
As two-o-clock approached Eli suggested they have a look around Primark “Well, I’ll tell thi what ladies, yoo loook rahnd Primark, an’ me an’ Jarv’ll goo an ave a look at some fishin tackle, we’ll meet thi in’t Oasis at half five eh, an’ we’ll even treat thi to a cuppa”
As the referee blew his whistle and drew a veil over the game, Jarvis and Eli took to their feet in the South Stand of Bramall Lane and peered towards the away stand, anticipating the unfurling of the great banner. Suddenly all eyes were on two men in the crowd, struggling to get a bundle from a Lidl carrier bag.
Then they began to unroll a pair of large ladies Evans knickers revealing a skid mark that bore a stunning resemblance to Billy Casper, and ‘Sithi’ scrawled in green crayon. “Look at the size er them clarts!” exclaimed Jarvis. As the hem was unwound the legend ‘Doris’ in shaky lettering was revealed “Eli!” yelled Jarvis “They’re not your l….?”
“Aye, they are, our lass ad an ‘accident’ after a night on’t Magnet, she asked me ter throw em away, but that skidder were just class, I spotted it!”
“She’ll kill thi”
“Only if she finds aht!”
As Jarvis and Eli walked down the High Street towards the Oasis, they spied their spouses sat beside a mountain of Primark bags watching the news headlines on the massive TV screen. The Oasis hushed as Look North’s Harry Gration addressed the camera “And, memorable scenes at Bramall lane today as a massive pair of soiled pants, belonging to someone called Doris, were unveiled by the Barnsley faithful….”
“ELIIIII!!!!!!”
