FOOTBALL ‘RUINED’ BY DIRTY NORTHERNERS
The game of football was last night left reeling after an independent tribunal ruled that West Ham United broke the laws of the game in fielding Argentina international Carlos Tevéz, and in doing so, contributed to the relegation of Sheffield United.
MOCKERY
The ruling, which means that nothing will ever be the same in football ever again, leaves the London club liable for a payout to their northern rivals of up to £30m, and makes a mockery of the idea of footballing matters being decided on the pitch.
SENSATIONAL
The lovable Cockney club avoided relegation on the last day of the 2006-2007 season as Tevéz sensationally scored the winning goal against Manchester United, to whom he later transferred. Whinging Sheffield United, who lost against Wigan at Bramall Lane, were relegated in their place, because they just didn’t get enough points, regardless of whether West Ham United broke the rules or not. Which they didn’t anyway.
VOMIT
However, the arbitration ruling, which made every true fan of the sport the world over literally vomit with rage, means that the unfortunate West Ham United are now being punished for a crime which either didn’t happen, or did happen but accidentally, or did happen but it made no difference, dependent on who you listen to.
UNFASHIONABLE
That Sheffield United – an unfashionable northern team whose supporters all have shaved heads and are unemployed – can take on a team as large and untouchable as West Ham United – and win – has dire consequences for the sport. As everyone agrees, except those who don’t, footballing matters should be decided in one way, and in one way only – on the football field, between 22 men, at least 21 of whom should be legally registered to their club. That a matter as large as relegation can be decided off the field of play has disgusted true fans of the sport up and down the nation, and indeed the world.
CHEATED
Dave Jelliedeels from London said ‘it makes you sick. We never cheated, and anyway we were punished for cheating, what we never done. Them Blades should have just accepted it, like we’re not going to do what with this applying to the Court of Arbitration in Sport and all’.
ELIGIBLE
Another fan, Mr Kneesup Mavverbraan from London said ‘so what if he wasn’t eligible to play. He did anyway, and kept us up fair and square. Sheffield United should play by the rules’.
HUSBAND
Miss Stephanie Noknickers from London had this to say. ‘My husband reckons that this team should just accept that they went down, just like we accepted a fine and then broke the same rule again in order to stay up’.
NORTHERN
We tried to talk to some Sheffield United fans, but couldn’t understand their northern accents.
‘RIGHT’
In other sports news, Reading scored a goal that wasn’t a goal, Manchester City were bought by the richest man in the world and instantly hiked transfer fees up by millions of pounds, and John Terry was let off rugby tackling another player just because he’s England captain. However, none of this mattered a jot, because Sheffield United have ruined the game by ‘standing up for what’s right’.
NEWS IN BRIEF: Sportswear tycoon Geoff Sheard has seen his attempt to take over ailing Sheffield Wednesday take another blow, as it was revealed that his mother has stopped his pocket money after she caught him saying a rude word.
The game of football was last night left reeling after an independent tribunal ruled that West Ham United broke the laws of the game in fielding Argentina international Carlos Tevéz, and in doing so, contributed to the relegation of Sheffield United.
MOCKERY
The ruling, which means that nothing will ever be the same in football ever again, leaves the London club liable for a payout to their northern rivals of up to £30m, and makes a mockery of the idea of footballing matters being decided on the pitch.
SENSATIONAL
The lovable Cockney club avoided relegation on the last day of the 2006-2007 season as Tevéz sensationally scored the winning goal against Manchester United, to whom he later transferred. Whinging Sheffield United, who lost against Wigan at Bramall Lane, were relegated in their place, because they just didn’t get enough points, regardless of whether West Ham United broke the rules or not. Which they didn’t anyway.
VOMIT
However, the arbitration ruling, which made every true fan of the sport the world over literally vomit with rage, means that the unfortunate West Ham United are now being punished for a crime which either didn’t happen, or did happen but accidentally, or did happen but it made no difference, dependent on who you listen to.
UNFASHIONABLE
That Sheffield United – an unfashionable northern team whose supporters all have shaved heads and are unemployed – can take on a team as large and untouchable as West Ham United – and win – has dire consequences for the sport. As everyone agrees, except those who don’t, footballing matters should be decided in one way, and in one way only – on the football field, between 22 men, at least 21 of whom should be legally registered to their club. That a matter as large as relegation can be decided off the field of play has disgusted true fans of the sport up and down the nation, and indeed the world.
CHEATED
Dave Jelliedeels from London said ‘it makes you sick. We never cheated, and anyway we were punished for cheating, what we never done. Them Blades should have just accepted it, like we’re not going to do what with this applying to the Court of Arbitration in Sport and all’.
ELIGIBLE
Another fan, Mr Kneesup Mavverbraan from London said ‘so what if he wasn’t eligible to play. He did anyway, and kept us up fair and square. Sheffield United should play by the rules’.
HUSBAND
Miss Stephanie Noknickers from London had this to say. ‘My husband reckons that this team should just accept that they went down, just like we accepted a fine and then broke the same rule again in order to stay up’.
NORTHERN
We tried to talk to some Sheffield United fans, but couldn’t understand their northern accents.
‘RIGHT’
In other sports news, Reading scored a goal that wasn’t a goal, Manchester City were bought by the richest man in the world and instantly hiked transfer fees up by millions of pounds, and John Terry was let off rugby tackling another player just because he’s England captain. However, none of this mattered a jot, because Sheffield United have ruined the game by ‘standing up for what’s right’.
NEWS IN BRIEF: Sportswear tycoon Geoff Sheard has seen his attempt to take over ailing Sheffield Wednesday take another blow, as it was revealed that his mother has stopped his pocket money after she caught him saying a rude word.
