Letter From America (2)

[A Good Yank]

Hi y’all!

Well it’s been little while since I introduced myself to my ‘fellow’ Sheffield Blades, and my first post seems to have pleased some of you guys, and upset a few too, but you can’t please everyone, as my momma always says “ELMER GET OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER!”

I read on the internet that the world series of sacker is due to start next month, in the south of Africa. At first I had mis-read the page and I thought it said the south of America, and then I saw pictures of smiling black folk and thought there’s no way that is Alabama! As you know the world series of baseball is held in the US, but we don’t invite anyone else. We asked the Japanese once, but they lost. They were pretty sore losers and bombed Pearl Harbour! We ended it all by dropping a couple of magic mushrooms on two of their cities and as a result none of those Japs can now pass the drugs test… or something like that.

I’m a little confused as to what to do in the World Series of sacker, as I am an American, so the word ‘United’ is in my blood. United Blades are an English sacker team. The U.S. and England have been drawn in the same group for the opening stages of the series, so I now find myself a little divided as to who to support, especially when we play each other. You guys don’t have any long range bombers do you?

I have been on to the Sheffield Blades official web-site and I have had a look around your on-line store. I gotta say that the prices of your merchandise is real crazy. I can buy a whole ‘home’ shirt for just ten English pounds, but if I wanted to buy a mug, or a baby’s bib, they’re like fifteen English pounds??? But I bought a home shirt and an away shirt, a few novelties and I got my momma some new Sheffield Blades underwear, for her to wear in the titty-bar… that’s free advertising boys!

I’m getting real excited about the coming season, but, is it just me, do we need to hire some guys?! I see that Sharp is coming back from Doncaster Rovers, but I guess Sean Bean is a little old for sacker now isn’t he? No wonder we want to off-load the guy, it must be real hard for him to juggle his acting and his ball games at the same time. Mind you he still seems to have scored an awful lot of goal points for Doncaster, so perhaps he can make it work. I’m sure it’s not always easy to run a sacker club and I see that our owner, Mr McCabe has put fifty million English pounds in to our club. That’s real generous of him, and for that kinda money I’m expecting to see some real fancy football when I make it over to Sheffield England!

I’m still learning about English culture, and I’m spending every spare minute watching the Discovery channel. I saw something advertised called ‘Henderson’s Relish’ that is made in Sheffield England. I ordered some off the internet and when it arrived I tried it with some grits, some ‘gator tail, some filé gumbo and some goldfish pie, all I can say is you guys eat some weird shit man!

I applied for my passport this week, but there could be a problem. They read my certificate of birth and in the box that said ‘Father’s Name’ it said “some soldiers”. Problem is they filmed Southern Comfort, Platoon and Full Metal Jacket in these parts, so it could in fact be some actors. Until they can sort that out I’m stuck in limbo. I asked my momma, but she says she was high on payote at the time and seems to only recall kissing the sun(??????????????).

I gotta go for my ‘Bible and Banjo’ session now, so I’ll write again soon.

Missing you already

Elmer

 

[Big Mart]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, even more boring and unfunny than the first pile of shite

:gallop:

 

[Bramley]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, even more boring and unfunny than the first pile of shite

:gallop:

Didn't realise he'd praised Montgomery somewhere in there...

 

[JohnDenver]

All of which reminds me... Where's Benito Blanco posting these days?

 

[shorehamview]

Problem is they filmed ........ Full Metal Jacket in these parts.....

One more problem added to the bit about it not being funny.

Stanley Kubrick directed "Full Metal Jacket". Kubrick lived in England, and hated flying.
So he shot the film in England: in Cambridgeshire, on the Norfolk Broads, and at the former Beckton Gas Works, Newham, East London. You can see the road markings in the marine base are clearly British road markings. Whereas I'll accept that in parts of Cambridgeshire they are a little strange, it's not in America. It's not even close. Plus, the folk in it weren't really soldiers, they are what's known as "actors".

So that's pissed on your chips. Or fries, supersized or not.

 

[gavtheblade]

I wonder if his banjo`s tuned. diga ding ding ding,me banjo`s only got one string,
praise the loward.

 

[Linz]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, even more boring and unfunny than the first pile of shite

I was unaware that we had the phrase "set up to please the whims of Big Mart" in our raison d'etre nor that we had hired ex-SAS to stand over your shoulder and ensure that you read every thread on the forum.

I will offer the same advice as I have offered other people. If you know you aren't going to like a thread, don't read it in the first place.

And sometimes, if you haven't got anything nice to say, it is better not to say anything at all

 

[Sean the Blade]

Plus, the folk in it weren't really soldiers, they are what's known as "actors".

Shorehamview, you quite obviously only skimmed over 'Yank's' text, as he quite clearly says, a very short time later:

so it could in fact be some actors

And if I am honest I would echo Linz's reply, if you don't like it, don't read it. There's plenty of vacuous, inane chatter out there, about completely unsubstantiated transfer rumours, that never will, and never were, ever, going to come to fuition, to keep you busy, frustrated and misled during the closed season.

At least this guy is trying to come up with something a bit creative, maybe not original but different, and he's trying to put a smile on some faces.

Now go to the back of the class and don't come back until you can play nice with the other boys and girls!

 

[SheepdipBlade]

Well I enjoyed both of "Yanks" posts - even read 'em out to the Missus. Makes a refreshing change from endless whinging about how we'll be playing against Corrinthian-Casuals in the Isthmian League unless we get rid of Blackwell, McCabe, Monty, Evans, Stewart, Taylor, the big screen, Peters Pies et al.

You keep on posting, me old colonial inbred mate!!

 

[Big Mart]

I will offer the same advice as I have offered other people. If you know you aren't going to like a thread, don't read it in the first place.

And how exactly would you know you weren't going to like it unless you'd read it? Apologies, I don't have your powers of extra sensory perception but there ya go

Personally I find these kind of threads a sack of shit, it's an opinion, it's my opinion and it's based on a thread posted on the forum so keep skitting, it doesn't bother me, if I don't like what I see I think I'm within my rights to say so? Yes? Is that what a forum's for, or is it just a jolly boys and girls club where everyone is obliged to laugh at the same jokes and all share the same opinions? How twee that would be :fishbowl:

:easy::easy:

:gallop:

 

[shorehamview]

Still doesn't alter the fact that "Full Metal Jacket" wasn't filmed any nearer America than "Eastenders", so he'd need to be watching through a fucking huge pair of binoculars. You obviously didn't read the bit of my posy where I pointed out that it was filmed over here. Nor does it make the original post any funnier. I thought his first missive was pretty good, but this one is like the NASL, to give it an American analogy. A pale imitation of a fine English invention.

 

[Sean the Blade]

Shorehamview,

I didn't 'challenge' your assertion that Full Metal Jacket was made over here, as I simply don't know and I'm more than happy to accept your evidence that it was (I've never seen it, I like my war fims in black & white!).

What I can't understand is why you, and indeed Mart, read a post which you knew, in advance, you weren't going to like. This guy has obviously taken some time out of his day to try give us a laugh, a bit of light relief from the everyday turmiol that is being a Blades fan/supporter... are you one of those elderly people who walk out in front of children, so they bump in to them, just so they can have a tut and a moan about unruly brats?

 

[A Good Yank]

Just to try and clear up this film mess I seem to have created. I ain't gonna fly in the face of someone of Shorehamview's stature, he's obviously a film buff. You guys caught me out, there's no way in hell I was born as a result of a liaison between my momma and a Full Metal Jacket actor, I was just trying to earn some respect.

Although there were a whole lotta soldiers in our valley at the time I was conceived, somethin to do with some real bright lights in the sky???????

 

[shorehamview]

.......What I can't understand is why you, and indeed Mart, read a post which you knew, in advance, you weren't going to like.......QUOTE]
I didn't know in advance that it wasn't going to be funny. I don't have any idea about any posts' hilarity quotient before I read them, I'm not psychic. I liked his first go, I just thought that this one fell wide of the mark. It's well known that the other chap's humour threshhold is quite low, but I thought the Yank chap's other one was good. Alas, while whimsical, this one was not particularly funny.

I do like funny shit though. As others on here can tell you I like to take the piss. A lot. This wasn't really that funny though. Sorry.

 

[Sean the Blade]

Must agree Shorehamview that this contribution wasn't as good as the first, perhaps because it had lost the 'originality' (although I did point out on the first that it seemed to be a steal from the 'Dear Bill' letters in The Mail during the 80's), and perhaps it should have been left a little longer to make another contribution, to allow Yank to gather more material.

Either way it makes a change from laughing at the oinkers!

Anyway I'm off to sit in the garden and pissed for two days, have a good weekend all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[raul]

What I can't understand is why you, and indeed Mart, read a post which you knew, in advance, you weren't going to like. This guy has obviously taken some time out of his day to try give us a laugh, a bit of light relief from the everyday turmiol that is being a Blades fan/supporter... are you one of those elderly people who walk out in front of children, so they bump in to them, just so they can have a tut and a moan about unruly brats?

Yes they are, which is why they can remember all the way back to the first time someone did Yankee-isms of football...

 

[beightonblade]

yer all fookin mad !

 

[gavtheblade]

when im cleanin windaz

 

[BornOnShorehamStreet]

Just to try and clear up this film mess I seem to have created. I ain't gonna fly in the face of someone of Shorehamview's stature, he's obviously a film buff. You guys caught me out, there's no way in hell I was born as a result of a liaison between my momma and a Full Metal Jacket actor, I was just trying to earn some respect.

Although there were a whole lotta soldiers in our valley at the time I was conceived, somethin to do with some real bright lights in the sky???????

Your posts are very funny so ignore Big Tart please!

 

[Bladesway]

Its cinders isn't it?