Portsmouth 3-0 Blades - 20/4/13

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PeterNdlovu081

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Can anybody find the hilarious report somebody on here wrote of this match?

Been using the search function but having no joy.
 

So funny at the time that I saved it; just took time to find it again. Enjoy!!

I wrestled with writing up today's game. To be honest, what do you need to know that you already don't? We were SHIT. Anyone who counters that can firmly take this from me - 'what the fuck game were you watching?' or 'you don't know what you're talking about.'

For starters, I hope every one of the almost two thousand Unitedites who had travelled from all over the country (mainly the 220 miles south to pay for hotels and savour our hospitality) got home safely tonight. As I understand there may be a lot of you who attend a lot of these away games who spend their hard earned supporting a heartless, wasteful shower of fuckpipes we currently call 'Sheffield United'. There have been worse examples of this team in the past, but even my limited memory causes me problems to recall an example. Possibly the McEwan era was not particularly splendid, maybe even Blackwell. I dunno. But I'd like to credit you people, and the poor fuckers who turn the stiles at BDTBL every other weekend to help pay for these wankers to play football. Like being married to a complete bitch but loving her for it, there is no question of divorce, is there? We are stuck with them.

From kickoff we pushed forward and the first attack almost resulted in ...

No. Lets tell it like it is, eh?

We had fuck all to offer, readers.

Instead of giving you a writeup, here's what I think. You can read stats all you want, but in a nutshell, I don't remember going 'Oooh!' all afternoon. I have said this before on here and today's match bore me witness. Pull on a United shirt = play like a wanker. Don't agree? Okay. Square me this:

1. McMahon. Picks ball up five yards forward of the corner of the 18 yd box. Lumps ball 50 yards aiming for Kitson. Porter, McDonald, Flynn - likely aim points for the second ball nowhere to be seen. Ball ricochets off Kitson's melon and possession is lost. Three times he did that.

2. Flynn (oh, dear God). Gets ball in advantageus right-wing position but, on miscontrolling the pass and scuffing back possession, cuts inside to two of their players closing him down.

3. Hill. Cross field pass, one bounce, into the crowd. No pressure. He also (twice) turned an advantageous phase of possession on it's head by going backwards.

4. Higginbotham. 'Ooh. We need experience.' Do we fuck. Give me a semi-fit, pissed-from-the-night-before Maguire anyday over this lavatory bowl. Where was this dopper for two of the three goals? Smoking a fag behind the Fratton end? Having a shit?

5. Murphy. Plays for Sheffield United. Not the team we support. Another Sheffield United, in his head.

6. Doyle. Apparently this bloke got on the team coach. That's the fucking last they saw of him.

Okay. To some, criticising your own team for playing badly is tantamount to kid-fiddling. Booing the shower of well-paid choppers for the serial disappointment of an unarrested slide from PL to Third division laughing stock with any sort of humiliation in between is like dry bumming your own granny. It's nothing of the sort. Sheffield United are failing to manage my expectations now. I don't expect them to win the Champions League, I do however expect them to convincingly beat a football team already relegated, with a makeshift playing staff most of whom won't be at FP next season. I also expect them to be in a better position than those teams around them - Doncaster and Bournemouth ... both fighting re-election once upon, Yeovil Town ... fucking hell Dronfield is bigger than Yeovil, and Brentford ... hey ... they play in our strip don't they? I also expect United to be above teams like Watford, Milwall, Burnley, Peterborough, Bristol City, Barnsley and Sheffield fucking Wednesday.

Today summed up where we are in a nutshell, as if we didn't know from Tuesday after shitting away a clear tactical, numerical and scoreline advantage. Pompey had a day out in the sun, kept the ball well, took their chances wonderfully and showed us up for what we all know we are. I left Fratton Park around 62 minutes, disgusted and ashamed at the bastards pretending to be associated with me out on that pitch. They all deserve their wages docking for what was one of the most spineless, abject performances I have seen them offer, and by that I gauge the playoff final last year and in 2003 as well. As a footballing lesson it was comprehensive ... not so bad if you are playing Man United, piss poor if you are playing a team on the canvas. And don't fucking give me 'they were pumped because they won their court case' either. We should be pumped because we have pissed points away and are needing to dick teams like Pompey so it puts the fear into our playoff contemporaries. Pompey could have all stayed in the dressing room for thes econd half and the score would have remained 0-3. It was that bad.

Out of ten (as if it matters)

Long. 6/10. Can't remember if he actually did much except watch the ball loop past him for the first, flash past him for the second and the ball bobble across the area for the third. Nice jersey. There you go.

McMahon 3/10. Fucking clueless. Wild shots into the crowd or anywhere else. Punts up the pitch. Shit corners.

Collins 6/10. Our best player. (yep. six out of ten) Great ball control. (joke)
Higginbotham 3/10. No comment

Hill. 4/10. Square boots. Positionally wank. Billy backwards.

Flynn. 2/10. He's shit, guys. Please ... just put down your arrows and begrudgingly agree with me.

McDonald. 5/10. Poor McDonald. Talented, rangey, tactically adept and playing with berks.

Doyle. (fell at the first fence and was shot by the vets)

Murphy. 4/10. Where exactly does this bloke want to play? Is it actually at Sheffield United?

Porter. 5/10. Sometimes today (you're not gonna believe this) he actually looked like he wanted it. That was when the lumped forward hoofism wasn't straight over his head.

Kitson 2/10. Great chance to show his old club what they were missing. He did just that today. They were laughing their bollocks off at him. And us.

Robson. 4/10. Okay ... less than that. I didn't see him do anything constructive, except almost pick up a booking. Yes. he was that good.

Forte 3/10. Peederundluv-peederundluv, peederundluv, peederundluv. Only without the good bits.

Summary. Lucky to make the playoffs. Luckier to come away from round one undicked.

Officials. Good

Crowd. Pompey - noisy. Blades - undeserving of such pathe
 
So funny at the time that I saved it; just took time to find it again. Enjoy!!

I wrestled with writing up today's game. To be honest, what do you need to know that you already don't? We were SHIT. Anyone who counters that can firmly take this from me - 'what the fuck game were you watching?' or 'you don't know what you're talking about.'

For starters, I hope every one of the almost two thousand Unitedites who had travelled from all over the country (mainly the 220 miles south to pay for hotels and savour our hospitality) got home safely tonight. As I understand there may be a lot of you who attend a lot of these away games who spend their hard earned supporting a heartless, wasteful shower of fuckpipes we currently call 'Sheffield United'. There have been worse examples of this team in the past, but even my limited memory causes me problems to recall an example. Possibly the McEwan era was not particularly splendid, maybe even Blackwell. I dunno. But I'd like to credit you people, and the poor fuckers who turn the stiles at BDTBL every other weekend to help pay for these wankers to play football. Like being married to a complete bitch but loving her for it, there is no question of divorce, is there? We are stuck with them.

From kickoff we pushed forward and the first attack almost resulted in ...

No. Lets tell it like it is, eh?

We had fuck all to offer, readers.

Instead of giving you a writeup, here's what I think. You can read stats all you want, but in a nutshell, I don't remember going 'Oooh!' all afternoon. I have said this before on here and today's match bore me witness. Pull on a United shirt = play like a wanker. Don't agree? Okay. Square me this:

1. McMahon. Picks ball up five yards forward of the corner of the 18 yd box. Lumps ball 50 yards aiming for Kitson. Porter, McDonald, Flynn - likely aim points for the second ball nowhere to be seen. Ball ricochets off Kitson's melon and possession is lost. Three times he did that.

2. Flynn (oh, dear God). Gets ball in advantageus right-wing position but, on miscontrolling the pass and scuffing back possession, cuts inside to two of their players closing him down.

3. Hill. Cross field pass, one bounce, into the crowd. No pressure. He also (twice) turned an advantageous phase of possession on it's head by going backwards.

4. Higginbotham. 'Ooh. We need experience.' Do we fuck. Give me a semi-fit, pissed-from-the-night-before Maguire anyday over this lavatory bowl. Where was this dopper for two of the three goals? Smoking a fag behind the Fratton end? Having a shit?

5. Murphy. Plays for Sheffield United. Not the team we support. Another Sheffield United, in his head.

6. Doyle. Apparently this bloke got on the team coach. That's the fucking last they saw of him.

Okay. To some, criticising your own team for playing badly is tantamount to kid-fiddling. Booing the shower of well-paid choppers for the serial disappointment of an unarrested slide from PL to Third division laughing stock with any sort of humiliation in between is like dry bumming your own granny. It's nothing of the sort. Sheffield United are failing to manage my expectations now. I don't expect them to win the Champions League, I do however expect them to convincingly beat a football team already relegated, with a makeshift playing staff most of whom won't be at FP next season. I also expect them to be in a better position than those teams around them - Doncaster and Bournemouth ... both fighting re-election once upon, Yeovil Town ... fucking hell Dronfield is bigger than Yeovil, and Brentford ... hey ... they play in our strip don't they? I also expect United to be above teams like Watford, Milwall, Burnley, Peterborough, Bristol City, Barnsley and Sheffield fucking Wednesday.

Today summed up where we are in a nutshell, as if we didn't know from Tuesday after shitting away a clear tactical, numerical and scoreline advantage. Pompey had a day out in the sun, kept the ball well, took their chances wonderfully and showed us up for what we all know we are. I left Fratton Park around 62 minutes, disgusted and ashamed at the bastards pretending to be associated with me out on that pitch. They all deserve their wages docking for what was one of the most spineless, abject performances I have seen them offer, and by that I gauge the playoff final last year and in 2003 as well. As a footballing lesson it was comprehensive ... not so bad if you are playing Man United, piss poor if you are playing a team on the canvas. And don't fucking give me 'they were pumped because they won their court case' either. We should be pumped because we have pissed points away and are needing to dick teams like Pompey so it puts the fear into our playoff contemporaries. Pompey could have all stayed in the dressing room for thes econd half and the score would have remained 0-3. It was that bad.

Out of ten (as if it matters)

Long. 6/10. Can't remember if he actually did much except watch the ball loop past him for the first, flash past him for the second and the ball bobble across the area for the third. Nice jersey. There you go.

McMahon 3/10. Fucking clueless. Wild shots into the crowd or anywhere else. Punts up the pitch. Shit corners.

Collins 6/10. Our best player. (yep. six out of ten) Great ball control. (joke)
Higginbotham 3/10. No comment

Hill. 4/10. Square boots. Positionally wank. Billy backwards.

Flynn. 2/10. He's shit, guys. Please ... just put down your arrows and begrudgingly agree with me.

McDonald. 5/10. Poor McDonald. Talented, rangey, tactically adept and playing with berks.

Doyle. (fell at the first fence and was shot by the vets)

Murphy. 4/10. Where exactly does this bloke want to play? Is it actually at Sheffield United?

Porter. 5/10. Sometimes today (you're not gonna believe this) he actually looked like he wanted it. That was when the lumped forward hoofism wasn't straight over his head.

Kitson 2/10. Great chance to show his old club what they were missing. He did just that today. They were laughing their bollocks off at him. And us.

Robson. 4/10. Okay ... less than that. I didn't see him do anything constructive, except almost pick up a booking. Yes. he was that good.

Forte 3/10. Peederundluv-peederundluv, peederundluv, peederundluv. Only without the good bits.

Summary. Lucky to make the playoffs. Luckier to come away from round one undicked.

Officials. Good

Crowd. Pompey - noisy. Blades - undeserving of such pathe
I remember that post finding its way onto Blades Mad too. Not from Pommpey, someone who posts on both boards C&P'd it.
 
Looking at that list, how many would you have in today's team? Murphy probably (playing to his potential under Wilder, replacement for Done?). McDonald might have done but a) I don't think he'd dislodge the current midfield three on their form and b) he's not one for showing like he's putting the effort in which probably wouldn't sit well with the current management.

Reading through that team list sends shivers down my spine. But then how would pommpey have reacted to the news that 3 years later we would be even worse? :eek:
 
An elderly gent I think we picked up from an Aberdeen nursing home. He used to potter around our midfield as part of our Help The Aged campaign at the time. Harmless really. And by that I mean fucking useless.

I thought he was packaged up and sent to us on a container ship from Vancouver, and when assembled again in the UK seemed to have several parts missing (legs and heart be the key ones). His shouting and pointing functions were fully operational though.
 
I thought he was packaged up and sent to us on a container ship from Vancouver, and when assembled again in the UK seemed to have several parts missing (legs and heart be the key ones). His shouting and pointing functions were fully operational though.

We packed him back up and sent him north of the border though.
 
It's funny how he correctly saw it then but now he's saying that we sold him off because that's what fits in with his obsessive anti McCabe agenda.


Oooooh. Yeah. You're right yer know!

Maybe its because the team actually fucking deteriorated worse than that, and Murphy became our best player.

(here it comes) If Bert was there, then Bert would have seen how shit Murphy was that day. Etc. #Massive Blade

Eh?

pommpey
 
Looking at that list, how many would you have in today's team? Murphy probably (playing to his potential under Wilder, replacement for Done?). McDonald might have done but a) I don't think he'd dislodge the current midfield three on their form and b) he's not one for showing like he's putting the effort in which probably wouldn't sit well with the current management.

Reading through that team list sends shivers down my spine. But then how would pommpey have reacted to the news that 3 years later we would be even worse? :eek:

Only Murphy and McDonald would get in the team now. What a bag of bollocks side that was. When you think about the shit Weir, Clough and Adkins poured on top of that it's a miracle we are where we are now.
 
Oh my, why have you brought this up again!? What an utterly inept performance this was, I stayed until the end too! Barry Robson, forgot he even played for us.

One thing I will ask, how was Danny Higginbotham not the lowest scoring out of the team. I would have given him a maximum of 2, most of the rest 3, with a couple of 4/10's thrown in.

I think this game was the lowest low that we got, then hung around being better, not much better, for a couple of years
 

Oh my, why have you brought this up again!? What an utterly inept performance this was, I stayed until the end too! Barry Robson, forgot he even played for us.

One thing I will ask, how was Danny Higginbotham not the lowest scoring out of the team. I would have given him a maximum of 2, most of the rest 3, with a couple of 4/10's thrown in.

I think this game was the lowest low that we got, then hung around being better, not much better, for a couple of years

Are you forgetting our trip to "already relegated" Yeovil?
 
I really hated McMahon. Even more than I hated Keith Curle when he played for us.
 

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